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I'm 24 and am still a virgin. Actually I have never done anything...read on
This is difficult to admit. Usually on when posting this on a different website. I will expound on my past life, and explain how depression and social insecurity have plagued my existence from an ealy age. A lack of social contact leads to a lack of social contact. A pattern emerged where in my younger and more formative years I was focused more on not committing suicide that I was figuring out how to date or having sex. Essentially, thats what happened. When I left for university I burnt all of my bridges at home in the hopes for a better future in another state. I spent the first semester getting drunk with my fraternity. I had to leave the next semester due to dropping out of the fraternity; the story is complex. The old pattern of depression and isolation of high school repeated itself. To say that I hated the dorms would be an understatement. I succeed in moving out last year. Its a year that has been good to me; to say nothing of my anti-depressant prescription and yet. I am still a 23 year old who had never had a girlfriend and totally and utterly inexperienced at the arts of courtship or intimacy. I feel like I have to pack what should have been 10 years of learning into 1 year. Keeping in mind that in the dating marketplace I am horribly undervalued due to my inexperience. In essence: I realize that my life has been rather unusual for a scion of upper middle class parents who is attractive, well off, and (frankly, thank you books!) highly intelligent. I've coped by burying my past; all of it. While continuously not satisfied by my present conditions. Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations? Perhaps I don't have any idea what happiness, or normalcy, or satisfaction mean? But I want this, this simple one thing. I want a relationship. I deserve one. I want to kiss, fondle, love, stare into the eyes of another human being...the things that I deserve just as I deserve my scared dignity! But how?
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Hi, I am someone who is old enough to be your grandfather. I'm hoping that the wisdom that comes with my age may offer you some help.
Let me start by saying that I too suffer from depression and have suffered from it for many years undiagnosed; so I think I might be able to identify with you somewhat. I was also very introverted during my youth most likely from my undiagnosed depression. While I did date it was within a very closed circle of friends as I felt very awkward around people I didn't know, especially girls and later women. The funny thing about my life is I spent 30 years in sales & Marketing where I had to actually force my self to talk to strangers many of whom where women. I was very successful in my career. I point this out to show you that your situation is not as hopeless as you may feel; things do change.
One thing I noticed is you are taking antidepressants. You do not say who is administering them, be it your family doctor or a psychiatrist. You also did not mention if you are in any type of therapy for your depression.
My thoughts and suggestions are: If your family doctor is prescribing the antidepressants you should seek out a qualified psychiatrist; no you are not crazy. Since most depression is caused by the lack of two enzymes secreted in the brain a psychiatrist is the best qualified doctor to diagnose, treat and prescribe for depression. Talk therapy with a qualified counsellor, usually is recommended to help find the stressors that bring on the depression and deal with them.
Just judging from what you have written one of your stressors may be the social awkwardness you feel you have. A good psychologist can be of a big help to you here with both the depression and social awkwardness. Most important with finding a psychologist is finding someone you are comfortable with. If you are not comfortable you will not work well with them. Don't be afraid to change psychologists if you are not comfortable with him/her. You can also seek help from a licensed Social Worker they have the letters ACSW after their name.
As for being 24 and a virgin: I would not put a lot of thought or value into this. A recent survey puts you in a majority of people your age who have remained virgins. The reasons vary from religious and moral values; to the fear of the growing AIDS and STD problems.
You write as if things are hopeless; they are not. I am living proof that things change. All it takes is the right type of help and some effort on your part. There is a women out there for you. I will offer one other piece of advice; get to know the person underneath the outer layer of skin. What I mean is that Beauty is only skin deep. There is a person under that beauty or lack of beauty. Body features is what attract us to one another but it the person who lies just below the beauty that has feelings, knowledge, thoughts and nurturing that you will be wanting in the women you will wan to spend a lifetime with.
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You need to get your life sorted out before you can include someone else in it. I know from experience, having dated while dealing with mental illness. It worked out by a fluke, but I am not the general rule.
Burying your past is not coping. It's surviving. It's saying "I don't want to deal with this, so it never happened". Thing is, it did happen, and it molded you into the person you are today. We are the sum of our past experiences. You can't cut out a 4+ year chunk of your life and expect to be a whole person again.
Yes, those years were terrible, and we would all prefer to forget them. It won't do you any good. You're on antidepressants, but those are maybe 25% of the entire treatment. You need to find a good counselor to help you learn how to deal with the fact that you have a mental illness, not just learn how to deal with it. It's hard for us, because we drop out of society for a time and have to find ourselves again. There's no shame in needing help with that. Your school should provide counselling services.
As for courtship and intimacy, that isn't something that everyone is an expert in at 24. I know a lot of people who are about as good at courtship as your average 13 year old, with a bevy of failures under their belts. Inexperience can be a good thing. It means you haven't had time to develop bad dating habits.
How are you on the friends front? Try focusing for the time being on making friends. It's a lot easier than finding your soul mate. Talk to girls, talk to guys, build relationships. That will help ease you into intimacy on a limited level. Then you can move on to the more complex stuff. Dating relationships take a lot of work and energy. It's not something you want to leap into when you're on a shaky foundation.
It's not like dating circles are this mystical secret society that you can only get into once you know the handshake. Once you're ready for it, intimacy will come to you naturally. Finding the right person is just a matter of talking to others with the goal of finding out about them (not the goal of dating them).
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I'd start out by finding a great person, the type of person that you would love to be with, but be able to be yourself with. You're going to have to be honest. You need to be able to trust the person because it's okay to tell the story there's nothing wrong with that. I understand it 100%.. You need the person to understand too. When you find the right person, you'll know, you'll feel comfortable, be able to tell everything.. Plus have the sexual part. Take that slow though. Even though you're 24, it only happens once. I hope I helped some, and if I can help anymore let me know :)
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