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Disappointed, out of place
So i'm pretty unhappy right now. I'm in college and I'm not necessarily finding it hard to make friends but I'm not happy with my situation now. In high school, I despised my social situation. All I've ever wanted was to fit in like a puzzle piece in a group of friends that I love to death. I had a few good friends and a best friend (another bad situation, story for another time) and that was pretty much it. I know, you're thinking quality, not quantity but there was not much quality either and neither is there at this point. There's this girl, Julie who is one of my best friends. At first I thought she didn't have much interest in me but then we all of the sudden became really close. I was ecstatic. She's way cooler and more fun than any of the friends I had in high school put together and it made my confidence go way up that she liked me so much and I could make a friend I actually liked and respected (I would never tell her that though, I try my best to act confidently). We're in the same circle of friends and we're all in the same residence building and they're all really cool, fun, and pretty as well. I was a dork in high school and before winter break and during I felt so proud that these people showed a strong interest in me. Well, my confidence has gone down exponentially over the past week. Julie has been paying a lot less attention to me and more to our gay friend Dan and a couple other people, which she has every right to do but it's crushing me. I can tell she's not as excited to be around me anymore. And this isn't just a paranoid vibe. I'm painfully jealous of the awesome relationship they are forming while I'm not really a part of it. It just makes me think that it was too good to be true. I'm not cool enough and I never will be. For a while I actually thought I was becoming this cool, fun person that people admired but now, I think that was too good to be true. I'm friends with all of them but now I feel like I don't totally fit in. The main thing is Julie. I'm trying to tell myself not to let one person bring me down but I'm disappointed. I think back to how happy I was when she started becoming really close with me and how jealous I am of the same thing that's happening with another person. I'm back to feeling like an unintelligent dork again when for a couple of months, I actually felt funny, fun, and likeable. I've always, always, always just wanted a group of friends. Not two or three here and there, a GROUP, who loved me as much as I loved them. My social life has been my number one priority since college and I try so, so hard for it not to be that way but I can't change it. I need acceptance. I need to be loved, and not but awkward people I don't like but the ones I do like. And trust me, I don't act clingy and needy to any of my friends. I'm good at concealing my emotions and needy is the least way I'd ever want to come off as. The whole Julie thing is the main thing that's absolutely crushing me. Talking to her about it is a bad idea. She's not doing anything wrong and if she's truly not interested in me, I can't force her really like me. I'm just extremely disappointed and insecure and I feel like everything has been reset to the way it was in high school. I just want a solution to this disappointment. I know, I can make new friends but it's not the easiest thing in the world and it doesn't resolve my disappointment about Julie. I want the happiness I had two months ago back. SORRY SO LONG
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
This question really sparked my interest, so I hope you don't mind the long read! (That's what you get for writing a long question! :P)
If the situation has followed you from highschool, in my humble opinion, it tells me that you may need to change your view on how you see friendship. It's safe to say you're not alone on this subject. Many people feel this way, and all of it really comes down to is your thoughts. If you always think of yourself as "not cool","doesn't fit in", and "uninteresting"- you will indeed become all of these things. It sounds like you need to work on yourself, your own confidence. Negative thoughts show in actions and facial expressions- even if you're hiding your emotions. Now that you know this, don't be paranoid about your every move. Instead, change how you think :)! At all costs, every time you think of a bad thought- Breathe, count to 3, and say to yourself a VERY reassuring thought of what you want to be.
For example:
"I am becoming more and more confident."
and
"I am comfortable being myself around others".
and most importantly
"I love and accept myself"
Don't second guess this, if you try to, just shake your head, and repeat the thoughts. Repeat them until you're calm. (I'd advise doing this alone, or in a mirror. Anywhere else- may get a bit odd :P)
I really want you to just take a step back and look at your past situations, mainly your most recent onces. Look for one thing you find in common with all of them. Is it, that you're paranoid they don't want to be around you? That you think, you're not worthy of their time? If you've ever thought that about anything, please realize this is most definitely NOT the case. It's simply you backing out of a new experience, because you might be afraid that you'll lose friendship. That's understandable but you can't fear losing someone. People come and go, but don't be afraid of human nature. Don't be afraid to be the one to go either. Keep trying new things.
As for the "jealously" aspect. This grips everyone as well. But calmly think that this new girl, Julie- is it? Yeah, Julie and Dan are just creating a bond. Don't shy away from their bond, but rather embrace it! You're all friends, and maybe you and Dan can hangout alone eventually and have a good time. If you read that and thought "No way!" - This may mean you need to calm down around new people, that you may just be a bit shy and that's okay. It takes some adjusting, especially in college. Julie still likes you, there's nothing you're doing wrong. But I'd say, don't leave yourself to just Julie as a designated "comfort" friend. Find other people, have them join you all. It's always better to include people, than to seclude them from a good time. People will be drawn in by your ability to be comfortable around everyone. This takes practice, but don't worry, as long as you try it out it'll get easier :}.
And it's good to open up to people. Don't be afraid to say something no matter how you feel. Everyone also feels very left out at times- but that's then your chance to ask people if THEY want to hang out, or do something fun. If they're not down, find people who are. Don't fall into a hole and stay there. Keep moving, have you're own opinions, and stand your ground. It get's easier to realize these things if you've been through it before, I hope I've opened your eyes to some new things :). Good luck with your college experience and just have fun! No stress~
xkisakissx
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I think part of your problem is that your desperation to form lasting friendships is showing through, and desperate people are not attractive people. You may think you hide it well, but people can pick up on signals in ways you don't expect. My feeling is that Julie really does like you, but maybe is annoyed at your vibe that you're putting out, so she avoids you sometimes. But the fact that she is still around tells me she really does think of you as a friend, and likes a lot of things about you. Your main issue is insecurity, which you are already aware of. The best cure for this is to become involved in things around you. An interesting person always has something to talk about, and always attracts other interesting people. the way you become an interesting person is to have experiences. So start by getting involved in some extracirricular activities at school. Join a club, group, etc. Doesn't matter, as long as its something you LIKE to do, something you enjoy. Right there you've won half the battle, because you'll be around others you already automatically have things in common with. The key is to get to know lots of different types of people. When you're self-worth isn't totally invested in just one or two people, you'll be less likely to feel disappointed when friends like Julie start to pull away from time to time. Better yet, friends like Julie will enjoy being with you more because they see you enjoy life, enjoy activities, and you have interesting things and experiences to share, and you're not just depending on her for validation and fun. Expand your horizons a little. Remember, the key to being well liked is to like yourself first. No one likes to be around someone who is unsure and always down on themselves. But everyone likes a person who is confident and assured. You don't have to be that person overnight, but you can start now by figuring out who you are, what you like about yourself, and what you have to offer the world around you. good luck.
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