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Helping out Mom, who can not help herself
I am 27, female and live in the San Francisco Bay Area. A year ago I worked at a stable job and moved my Mom and sisters in with me because my mom was unhappy in her marriage, and I was concerned for the psychological, emotional and spiritual effects that environment was having on my two younger sisters (both minor teens). About a month living together, I was laid off. Since that time I have been on unemployment, struggling to make ends meet. Fortunately, I was able to. Now the lease is up in a month or two and my unemployment is also expiring as well. I will not be able to continue to care for them, and when I have told my Mom this, she just gave me the cold shoulder, refuses to talk to me and gives this tantrum. It is not only very frustrating, but it makes things more harder on me to have to deal with everything. She told my older brother that I was abandoning her, which is completely untrue. She also blames my significant other (my girlfriend) for me “wanting to abandon them,” and it just creates more issues. I told my Mom that I would have to move in to my gf’s place because I will not have a means to support myself. I feel limited and can’t talk to my sisters, because they are too young and do not want them to get involved in this, and do not want to talk to my gf about this because she knows my mom blames her, and I already feel bad about that. My family, except my sisters, blame me for “abandoning them” and see me as selfish and inconsiderate. This makes me feel outraged, frustrated and quite resentful after the generosity I have shown to my mom, when this was not my responsibility in the first place. Granted, she is still not divorced, and I suggested she stop teeter-totting between me and her husband and she needs to figure out what they are going to do.
Basically, what I want to know is what do I do here? I am torn between feeling very guilty for not being able to care for them and doing more, and feeling very resentful towards my mom for not being more understanding and making things easier for me. I just want to live my life, but my Mom makes me feel guilty when I try to…. Please help!!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You do whatever you have to do to keep YOURSELF afloat. I see no reason why you should be supporting a family.
It was good of you to give mom a place to go during her separation. She should have taken the opportunity then to make a new life for herself. She didn't do it.
You are not abandoning her. She is taking advantage of YOU. The most loving thing you can do for her right now is make her get on with her own life, as you must do for yourself. She needs to get a job and a place of her own. Do not feel guilty. You did what you could and now it is time to move on. She WILL get over it.
Don't even argue it with her. Just say I love you mom but this is the way its got to be.
Good luck.
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What you are experiencing is very rough and unfortunately a harsh reality for many people in this economy. What you have to realize is it is not your fault, and you are doing what is best for you.
You can't be held responsible for your mother and two sisters. You are young and don't have a stable job, it isn't fair to make you the provider and supporter. Explain to your mother that you are not abandoning her, but you do not have the means to care for the whole family let alone yourself. She needs to see you don't have a choice.
Don't let her make you feel guilty. There isn't anything you can do in this situation. If the money was there you know you would help, but you need to get back on your feet first.
Try talking to your mom calmly and not in a tense setting. Explain your financial situation as she can understand it, and tell her how guilty you feel that you can't help and how you wish you could.
If any feelings of resentment are still there, it isn't your fault. Once you all move forward from this hard time, you can begin to mend your relationships. Until then, stay strong and keep your head up.
Good Luck,
-Abby
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