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Love him, but not completely happy with him
I've been seeing this guy for about a year. I care about him a lot, and he feels the same about me. However, he is a little sexist, and pretty self-centered in bed.
We are exclusive, and dated for about 3 months but are currently on a break (still exclusive!) because we fought so much and titles just stress him out and make him feel obligated (and I must say I'm happier being what we are now than when we are in a relationship). But it still bugs me because I feel I'm not good enough for him, but he still calls me his girl. He knows it bugs me, but he doesn't like talking about it.
Also, he has kind of sexist views, he asks me to cook and clean, although I only do the cooking part every once in a while and he usually helps out. Cleaning is too much, but I clean up after myself. Note: we don't live together.
In bed, he is selfish. Its all about him. He doesn't kiss me, no foreplay whatsoever unless its on him. He won't perform oral on me, he said the thought of it grosses him out (I have great hygiene!), and where he's from guys get made fun of for doing that. He knows I don't orgasm from sex, but don't get me wrong I still enjoy it. I just feel like he doesn't care. And I've told him what I like, but he doesn't do it.
I'm not sure what to do. It's not a deal breaker, in all other aspects he's pretty much perfect. He respects me, he's proven he cares about me time and time again. But sometimes I do feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I guess I feel some resentment toward him. But I do genuinely enjoy making him happy, it makes me happy, and he also makes me happy in other ways. What do you think I should do?
We are both in college. And yes even though we aren't officially together, we are still exclusive and committed to each other. He is NOT using me for sex, trust me on this. And I don't cook for him that often either.
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Reading your question just made me shudder. If he's this bad now, after only three months of dating, he'll only get worse with time.
The "no oral" thing isn't so much of an issue of respect. Some guys just don't do oral, just like some girls don't. Now, the fact that he doesn't really care enough to do what you like to make sure that you're enjoying yourself, that is worrying. Great sex is an important part of a relationship, and if it's all one-sided, there will be issues.
The stuff that confuses me is how a guy who you don't live with feels entitled to ask you to clean up after him and cook for him. If he's that bad now, what would it be like if you lived together? Be prepared for him to refuse to do anything for himself. That's a very real possibility.
I also don't quite get the whole "on a break, but exclusive" thing. You're good enough to cook for him (even if you don't actually do it, he's still asking), clean for him, have sex with him, but not to be his official girlfriend? That doesn't fly with me. Some people are against definite labels on a relationship, but if the word "girlfriend" is that scary to him, he just isn't ready for a real relationship. Maybe the reason he isn't ready to call you his girlfriend is because he wants a mom instead!
I know you say he respects you, but none of this really points to respect. In a respectful relationship, both partners are equals. In a respectful relationship, both partners work to make each other happy. It sounds like you're doing all the work.
In the end it's up to you. Maybe you're happy to be a housewife, or to take a more traditional role. It doesn't sound like it, though, from what you're saying. Just make sure he doesn't let you feel like anything less than you are. If you find yourself being pushed into a role you don't want, run.
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Hi,
I think you need to make him listen to you. Not forcefully or anything, but tell him when he does something nice and tell him what you would like him to contribute to be happier in the relationship. If he expects you to do more than him, it isn't an equal relationship (at least he helps you clean a bit).
As for your relationship in bed; he should at least give you kisses! If he doesn't want to show you the love, then he doesn't fully love you. Your guy should be willing to make you happy too when it comes to sex. He must be selfish (as you said) if he doesn't want to give foreplay and only wants the pleasure for himself. Your guy is obviously turned off by the idea of oral and if you want him to do it, you have to encourage him to try it once and see if he does like it. How does he know he wouldn't like it if he has never tried it? Besides, if he does do it, he shouldn't be telling his friends or anybody anyhow. He cannot be judged by them if he doesn't tell them. Maybe it is just his conscience telling him that it is wrong.
I think you should let him know that you appreciate it when he does help you (encouragement will help him want to do that task more), tell him that you would like it if he tried new things in bed (such as oral), and see if you can work out the kinks that make you feel the resentment. In the end, if he doesn't want to try new things or continues only wanting to make himself happy.. it would likely be better for you to find someone else. I'm not saying he cannot change, I just mean that there is probably going to be someone else who can fufill your needs and desires better than what he can. You said he is perfect in every other way... Ultimately, if you do feel unhappy with the way things may continue to go, it will be your decision to stay or leave <3
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These small things, if bothering you now, will only bother you more as time goes by. You have 2 choices;
1. You talk to him, and be very blunt about whats on your mind, or
2. You stop seeing him and seek greener and more comfortable pastures.
All relationships have their problems, but when it's that gnawing thing deep inside you that sends red flags, you should always listen. Your heart will seek reasons to stay but your head will lead the way to better relationships.
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