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The Idea of Closure?
My ex boyfriend text me today, apologizing for everything that he did to me and he told me that he's glad that I found someone new and that he misses me. Basically we dated for five months and he broke up with me in August through an instant message conversation, he was my first real boyfriend and my first sexual partner. Before we dated I had known him for almost half my life, and I guess that I was his first “love” although it's complicated because he did a lot of things towards the end to dick me around.
I decided that I miss our friendship but I don't know if I can have in my life after the way that he treated me, so I asked for closure. Closure to let go of someone who was a big part of my life.
Well since we've broken up I've met someone new, and in my eyes he easily towers over my ex boyfriend. I've been dating this guy for about a month and I think that we have a real future together. I just feel this comfort around him, like I can totally be myself, he doesn't insult me and I felt like my ex started to. I can open up to him and when I feel insecure about something, I know that I can tell him.
I made plans to hang out with my ex for closure but now I feel like it's a stupid idea. I'm really afraid of messing up what my boyfriend and I have together. He's going to be there when I get my closure, but I just feel like seeing my ex again will be a bad idea.
Maybe it's because when I saw my ex, he used me for casual sex. I'm a little bit worried about feelings reigniting somehow, I don't know. Like I realize that my ex and I were never meant to be, and my current boyfriend is really great for me. It's weird, are these feelings normal and is it really a bad idea to get closure from the guy that I previously dated for five months, have known for years, and whose friendship I miss? Or am I right to want closure and just worrying over nothing?
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Sometimes the best way to seek closure is to simply cut all contact whatsoever with the person. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Seeing him again will cause you more pain and make it a hell of a lot harder for you to move on. Do you really want to backtrack and hurt yourself again? If you see your ex that is exactly where you are heading. Keep what you have now, Focus on your current relationship. Do not do anything to put that in jeopardy. Guess what, Your ex likely envy's the fact that you moved on with your life and him feeling happy for you is his way of gaining sympathy. I'm not saying this IS the case but more than likely he is trying to get you to feel guilty . My advice? Ignore him. Do not give him what he wants, It's likely his kind words to you were his bait way of luring you back to him. It's the new year lets keep the past the past. Like one of the columnist said below...You don't owe him anything.
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my advice is simple. you really dont owe your ex-boyfriend anything. if you really feel like you need closure (face to face) then go get it but if you can manage without, then just save yourself all these feelings your having and forget about him and dont go. i personally had something similar once. i chose to just block that person out of my life completely since he really brought nothing but pain in my life. so it wasnt worth it. i didnt feel that he deserved any attention or for me to waste any of my time on him when i could be doing something better. another thing if you really think that there is any possibility that you'd get any feeling or doubts back by seeing him face to face, i'd advise you not to take the risk hes not worth it obviously. and you can just get a closure over the phone just like he broke up with you ( he didnt give your relationship importance then, so you should just do the same dont make him feel important). i am pretty sure that you wont miss much about him. and your current boyfriend sounds awesome :D and you shouldnt take any risks of loosing him if you feel there is any in this (face to face meeting) hope that helped abit.
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I don't mean to be rude here but, honestly, what do you think is magically going to happen by seeing your ex face-to-face that will allow you to close the doors from the past relationships?
You two broke up. You don't really communicate. He apologized for treating you badly. Do you really need to see his face to be able to let the entire thing go? What do you feel you will gain by seeing him in person? What do you feel it will truly end, and why are you hanging onto something right now that you feel you need closed and ended?
I had a friend who "needed closure" on relationships. The truth is, every time she sought "closure" she was really trying to open the doors back up in case the guy wanted to be with her again. It was VERY obvious that she was not seeking to truly CLOSE the past relationship, but, rather, to spark something up again. She is not the only person I've seen do this, and I feel it's a pretty common thing. Closure, in my opinion, is absolutely a made-up idea that somebody started so that they could make an excuse to see their ex again, even for just a few moments.
The relationship has ended, you were apologized to, and you have moved forward with another person. There is no reason to even need to see your ex in person unless there are loose ties floating around--and if you have truly moved on then there shouldn't be any more questions that need answers from him.
I, personally, think this is a bad idea that could end up going sour and ruining your current relationship. I can't tell you how many people I've encountered that have seen their ex (with or without their current partner present) and it ended up stirring some hard feelings in the new partner to the extent of ruining what the couple had together.
If the relationship has completely ended for you, and you have truly moved on, then you shouldn't even think twice about your ex. If you are "a little bit worried" that sparks may begin to fly again then you're taking a completely unnecessary risk.
Decide what you feel is not closed.
Ask yourself why it isn't closed.
Figure out why you think seeing your ex person will close the issue.
Question your true feelings for your ex if you think "seeing him one last time" is honestly going to close the doors to the past.
And, lastly, if there ARE questions that you feel need to be answered then why can't they be answered in any other situation (phone, email, letter, etc.)?
The past is the past. It'll always be there. You'll always carry some baggage from it. Seeing your ex could just start trouble, and do nothing for magically forgetting what has been done. The past will never be forgotten just because you wish it didn't happen.
Once a relationship, which is such a strong bond, had formed and broken off then you can't just go back to being friends. It's too complicated, brings too much baggage forward, and can cause a wide variety of issues for both parties. While you may have been great friends before dating, it really could just be asking for trouble to attempt it now.
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