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How to break up.
I have been with this guy for 2 years.
We have been through a lot, for a year we had to sneak around because my dad didnt like him.
He made me so happy though and I had so much fun with him.
He even told me his deepest secret-that he was raped when he was 4.
He smokes weed a lot and never seems to be able to quit. He has a lot of problems. I used to not mind the weed thing, but now I have outgrown it and it annoys me he depends on it...
He is also not legally allowed to get a job. This frusterates me a great deal that I always pay, then I feel bad because I know its impossible for him to get one...
Anyways we fight a lot now. I love him, but I do not believe I am still "in love". I promised him I would stay with him forever and help him with his problems.
I have kept thinking about seperating but I always second-guess if I should...
If I decide I am trunly unhappy, I will...I just do not know how....he is soo sensitive and has even told me he would kill himself if I left him. He is madly in love with me and I am the only one that gets him...
What should I do? What do I say to the poor guy if I leave him?
:(
I'm so unhappy and lost right now....
20/f
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Poor guy, he just needs some help. Maybe take him to a therapist so he can solve out his problems and talk about it.
This guy probably needs you a lot more than you need him. So just stay with him. If it keeps making you unhappy then I suggest you say that you aren't interested anymore and you've had a fun time with this guy but it's time for you to move on and break it off with him. But for now just stay with him.
For his job since he can't get one right now...He could shovel snow and make money. Or fix things if he's good at that mechanical kinda stuff. Mow lawns in the summer. Those are just some examples on making some money.
And you shouldn't really be paying for him since guys are supposed to pay for the girl. So I completely understand that problem. I would be really frustrated myself.
But yea I see where your coming from...stay with him for a few weeks or a month or two and see where it goes. You've dated for 2 years so you have a lot of history. If not you need to tell him your feelings and honest thoughts and say it's time I move on, and I don't think this relationship will work out with us so we should depart our own ways.
Just say those that and hopefully this guy will get better and succeed in life.
I wish you luck though because it's hard breaking up with a guy that needs you a lot :)
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It sounds like it's time to step away. If you are questioning being with him and you no longer feel the spark of love then maybe your relationship has burned out.
"It feels like you are constantly choose marijuana over me and our relationship. You can dish out money for your pot habit but you won't dish out a penny to take me out and have a nice time with just me. It makes me feel worthless."
I dated a guy who told me that if we broke up then he'd kill himself. It scared me. It was his way of controlling me though. When I realized that we weren't suitable for each other and tried to break it up he threw the suicidal thing out there at me so that I would feel bad and go along with what he wanted to do. That relationship was really hard on me. I stuck through all of the insane things he did because I feared he would end his life if I left. In the end, he was the one to leave me. Ironic, isn't it?
And when the truth came out some time later, he never was suicidal. He never would have taken his life. It was just a way of being able to control what I did. He knew I believed him and feared he would die. Nobody wants to see somebody else die. He never meant a word of those threats.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is not being honest about his intentions but I am saying that it's possible he won't actually make those threats come to reality. I can tell you that you should never stay with someone because you feel they depend on you. If you don't have the same feelings for them as they have for you then you just aren't suited for each other after all. Your boyfriend may need psychological help--you, just being you, will never make him better, and, unfortunately, if you stick by him now out of fear he will harm himself then you might as well figure the rest of your life with him. He is seeking refuge in YOU and WEED. That is about as unhealthy as it gets. He needs to talk to a therapist to get the trauma out there, open, and dealt with. Bottling it up inside and relying on you and pot to take those feelings away is extremely unhealthy for the both of you.
That being said, honesty is the best policy.
The above works, along with:
"I think it's time you talked with a professional about some of the things you told me. I know you're depressed, and it worries me. Turning to weed all of the time to 'fix' the feelings isn't going to make them go away. You need to learn to confront them and deal with them appropriately. I want you to get help."
and
"I once felt like you were my world, and I loved you very much, but the passion has burned out. I don't really feel that spark any more. It's bland between us. I almost feel trapped in some monotonous cycle. It's time for us both to move on and move forward."
If you sugar-coat things then he may get the wrong impression of what is happening. Being upfront, straight-to-the-point, and honest can actually encourage him to get help and work on himself.
When people are broken like this and they refuse to fix it then sometimes they just aren't ready for real relationships. They may not even know how to love another person. They may never, ever know how to treat another human being properly without actually getting real, professional help. He isn't "ready" in this stage of his life is what I'm saying.
If you break it up then do so completely. No flirty-flirty text messages or anything that encourages him to hold onto what is broken. Don't make other promises like, "If you get help we will get back together." Be honest. If he asks if you'll take him back after he gets help you should be honest-- "Yes, probably," "No, probably not," "I'm not really sure right now. It depends on what happens and if you get some things in your life sorted out. It really isn't a yes or no thing for me right now. We would have to talk about it after you got help."
If you break up with him and he threatens suicide, and you legitimately think he's going to go through with it, you can legally call 9-1-1 and not get in trouble for saving his life, even if he was bluffing. If you feel the threat is serious then you do the appropriate steps to get him help without becoming his tool. Calling 911 is the right thing to do if you break up with him and he makes the threat. In the worst case scenario, the ambulance arrives and takes him into the psychiatric facility for help.
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He's holding you as an emotional hostage. You need to leave. Don't let him make you feel like you are abandoning him, if he tries. You are not responsible for his happiness. He is. Obviously he has a lot of issues to work out before he can contribute to a relationship. Explain to him that this relationship has become all about him, and you have needs too, that aren't being met. Just because he is miserable and unhappy doesn't mean you should be too. Yes, you will feel bad and guilty and sad. Stick to your guns. You've managed to get hooked up with a person who is broken and hasn't been fixed yet. Encourage him to get help, then cut your ties. Don't give in to his threats of violence against himself. Most of the time it is more a cry for help then a serious threat. I've seen it before. Some people will even go so far as to make an attempt, but generally, if someone doesn't die in a suicide attempt, they didn't really want to. Everything you've said seems to be all about what you do for him, how you make HIM feel.. what about you? Get out now before it gets REALLY messy. And consider it a lesson learned - Dad isn't just a jerk, he actually knows what he's talking about sometimes, and he knew from the start this guy was bad news. Its not your bf's fault that he is messed up, but its not yours either, and yet you're the one paying for it. Do your best to walk away. Don't take calls or emails for a while from him. He'll need time to heal and so will you. Good luck.
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I don't have advice for you, but as far as food for thought/general confusion and curiosity...
How is it that he can afford marijuana and yet you're always stuck paying for both of you? Doesn't make sense to me. Enlighten?
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