|
Insanity
Alright, this may be very long but I will try to shorten it as much as possible.
My life right now, kind of confusing and very frustrating. I'm going insane! It has to do with a lot of issues.
First and foremost, my ex boyfriend. He took a lot out of me. He was 8 years older than me (im 19) and even though we loved each other it was a bad relationship.
I dont know if any of you know about "The Secret", a film about happiness, but I was a strong advocator and supported of the belief that we all need to be happy. Ever since 10th grade I have been a happy, upbeat, smiling person. Nothing phased me, I gave lots of advice here to others about happiness. Then I met him and my days and nights revolved around him. He made it that way. He was a broken person and I have the kind of personality that I need to help people. So I stayed with him and took so much shit to the point where it was an emotionally abusive relationship to me. Finally, about 4 weeks ago, I ended it. It was much needed and very very hard, and I am recovering. I lost my zest, I lost part of my personality. I started dating him when I was 17 and I never got to experience young love. I was thrown into a mature relationship with no experience. Its so incredibly f***ed up that I did that to myself. And I do take blame for it.
Anyway, now I'm in recovery and I'm trying to bring the old me back, but I'm starting to realize that that person may already be far gone. I will never be the same and now I have to figure out the new person that I have become. Which is confusing. I know what I want in life, and my future, I'm a dreamer, but I don't know why I cant bring my old spark and happiness back. I'm not exactly unhappy. But I'm not happy either.
Then there's another issue. One of my best friends. Our history goes something like this:
Weve been friends since 8th grade, and now were in college and weve gone through a lot. we were literally polar opposites on the surface but intellectually we matched perfect. The thing is, I was always the preppy, kinda girlie one, and she was the dark, gothic one. never really cared about her looks. she even called herself manly. In 8th grade that was our style. Weve both changed a great amount since then. I used to be very shy, now I am very outgoing. I became girlie, I played soccer and enjoyed Spanish music and was very positive and always happy. She changed as well. Her style became girlie, and she did away with all her darkness. But the problem is her changing was influenced by me. which would be fine, except shes adopting not only the style of music and clothes that I liked, but also my personality. It drove me crazy. She saw me do or wear something, and she did the same thing. I couldnt really say anything i mean it seemed very petty but it became more than a superficial thing. She copied my mannerisms and my reactions, all my tastes and dislikes. She becoming me. This was in high school. The only thing she couldn't have that I did was a boyfriend. But imagine not being able to be unique or tell someone you do anything without having someone else say yeah I do that too.
Now we went to college and I distanced myself from her. I wanted her to become her own person. I mean she even chose the same major as me even though it didn't fit her personality at all. It was ridiculous. The first semester in college she wanted a relationship while I was secretly struggling to get rid of mine. She got one now, with a man that is 10 years older than her....The point is now shes becoming her own person because shes spending more time with him, thank god! But i feel guilty for not wanting to share every aspect of my life with her for fear she will try to adopt it. For example, modeling. Its something I have always been into, and kind of doing but not really. I am a tall girl and have every opportunity to model. She is not, but she is very beautiful and decided she wanted to model as well and is now doing it. It really is driving me insane to the point where I don't feel like I exist on my own. I don't feel unique, or like anything. I don't know what to do with myself or my life. I need some serious advice! Thank you so much for reading all of this!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
i have an idea that might sound kind of scary, but it'll all work out in the end, trust me. you said you're in college? i'm guessing you'll be finishing your sophomore year. if i'm wrong, forgive me. anyway, here's my idea:
when you finish this year, move to a completely different state. could be a border state, could be two states away, just somewhere completely new to you. doing this, you'll move somewhere where no one knows you. you'll be able to start all over. and you'll get the chance to come together with who you want to be, emotionally, personally, etc. you can create a brand new you, or keep the "you" that you are, that no one knows.
this is a bit drastic, yes. but you sound like you need change. your best friend is copying everything about you. theres no possible way that you could renew yourself with her being a shadow. you just got over a bad relationship. starting at a new school may be a bit difficult, true, but you'll get through it as long as you're strong enough. and i believe that you'll obtain that strength with getting the hell away from wherever you're at.
its just a suggestion, but think about it. and take care!
]
More Questions: |