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Heartbroken
18/f
I was in a relationship with Dave, for six months and we just broke up yesterday. Before going out he promised me the world and he said I was his dream girl. I wasn't over my ex so it took us awhile for us to get together [he tried for a year] but after getting together I realized he was everything I ever wanted in a guy. He could make me laugh like no other and he wanted me as badly as I wanted him. And most of all, he showed me what it felt like to truly be in love. Over the span of our relationship I caught him in multiple lies. Early on he messaged girls and called them beautiful but he apologized and I knew he truly meant it then. However, as our relationship grew, and my love for him grew, his lies became worse. He started using pot again, and I don't like it at all! But he still did it. And two nights ago he complained about being extremely tired, yet he left my house and texted an old crush and asked her to get high with him. He never told me, someone else did and it took him hours to admit it. Then he started yelling at me because I wanted to be friends with an ex, and broke up with me. I'm so heartbroken. I feel like he lived a life I didn't even know about and I was in love with someone I never knew. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should move on. I don't exactly know what I'm asking, other than what would you do in this situation? I love him so much. But he's hurt me so many times. I don't want anyone else but I want to be happy too. Please help me figure out what's the best thing to do.
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Julie hit the nail pretty squarely on the head. He wants to be someone you don't like, you want him to be someone he doesn't like. Either way, neither of you has the right to ask the other to change and if neither of you is willing then the relationship is over.
Funny thing about getting older. When I was younger my list of "everything I want in a woman" was a hell of alot shorter than it is now.
Relationships come down to compromise. If he won't and you can't, or he can't and you won't, things won't work out.
Though, I will say, that from the "promised me the world and said I was his dream girl" says you've got some pretty unhealthy views as to what relationships really are. A companion is someone who accepts you.
I'm not perfect, neither is my wife. But the areas she wants changed in me are areas I want changed in myself, and vice versa. She accepts my flaws because the ones she has a serious problem with are ones I have a problem with too, and compromise comes from her tolerance of my mistakes and my efforts to improve.
This isn't something he wants to fix, or that he thinks needs to be fixed. It's up to each person to decide if they're willing or able to compromise on each issue, but you've got his answer, and it sounds like you've got yours. Call him in a few days and tell him you enjoyed the time you spent with him, and say you're sorry for your part in things not working out. Let the relationship go on the best terms you can. Maybe you can be friends later.
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I'm afraid you're in the classic situation of "you want your cake and eat it too". You want your guy and you want all the other stuff that he can't give you. I'm sure he cares for you but not unconditionally like it should be. I believe he may want you if you were able to live his pot smoking life but you've made it clear you don't approve of that life style. So he was able to seek out another companion who approves of his actions and leave you behind. You should not have to change who you are or what you believe in to make someone happy. In the same respect, you can't expect him to change just to make you happy if it makes him unhappy. If he was truly in love with you, he would not only stop smoking pot and talking to other girls but most men who are in love would die for that person. That's the kind of relationship you should be in. I'm sorry to say but you should let yourself heal from this relationship and then try to move on and find a new one. I hope the best for you and I hope this helps.
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