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Can't get over Ex-Girlfriend
Well, to start off, my (ex)girlfriend and I had been going out for over 2.5 years. She was my first serious relationship. We're both freshmen in college now, and we broke it off about 2 and a half weeks ago.
I loved her with all i had to give, and she had been my best friend for most of the time we were together. We knew nearly everything about each other all the time. I had no problem devoting an hour or more every weeknight to talk to her, and I spent every weekend with her since school started this year.
The only issues we had was that I kind of had an addiction to pornography, and her attitude tended to make our disputes much worse than they should have been. We would have manageable fights over smaller things, but when i would admit to her that i viewed porn recently, things would get out of hand and escalate. Fights got worse and worse the more we had, and eventually they got to the point where we hit each other.
About a month ago, we got in one such fight that went further than they had ever gotten, and I decided to tell her that it was destructive for the both of us to continue doing this. I seriously tried to break up with her for the first time. Consequently, she threatened to kill herself that night if after I left, so i spent the night and skipped classes for that Monday.
After that weekend, I just didn't feel quite the same. I felt like what she had done was selfish, but i didn't mind giving us another chance. Talking to her on the phone simply got extremely boresome to me after a half hour or so, and things just didnt feel right to me when we talked. I can't quite explain how i felt- i just got repulsed by talking to her after a certain amount of time into the conversation. I used to love talking to her- this felt so strange.
We spent thanksgiving weekend together and things felt better again. I wanted to talk to her and be with her, but she was uncomfortable with the way our conversations went the week before. By the end of the weekend i wholeheartedly decided that i would love her again and try my best to be hers, and we promised to help each other work through our disputes and such. We were even comfortable enough with each other to have sex that Saturday night.
that Monday evening, i picked up the phone to talk to her and after 15 minutes or so, I simply didn't have any interest in talking, once again. I felt like a totally different person from the one who promised to devote himself to her from now on. I told her straight up how i felt and we decided that i might be able to use a break. She doesn't believe in breaks, so it took a lot of convincing, but we decided to go no-communication until that Friday. I talked to her that night, and felt the same exact feeling, and we broke up later that night.
My problem is that i can't "get over" our lack of a relationship. I just don't feel like its hit me yet or something. I by no means hate her, and I don't think about her enough during the day for the lack of her being there to affect me. I'm still taking care of a bonsai tree she gave me as a gift, and i forgot to take down some pictures of her for a week. Neither seeing these objects, nor thinking about her bothered me. Even the break-up went easy for me.
I visited her last week to receive some of my belongings she still had and, to my surprise, I couldn't stop crying. I saw her, and everything came back to me. She told me she had cried about the break-up for days afterwards, and it seemed like she had come to terms with it and was fine with seeing me. Yet I couldn't talk to her or even be around her without feeling completely miserable. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything will be alright, but i knew i couldn't.
Again, the strange thing is that once I got my stuff and headed back to school, i felt fine again. Once i got around my friends again i never thought twice about it. I haven't shed a single tear about this breakup except for when i encountered her to get my things that last weekend.
I feel like i'm two different people: One who cares deeply about everything i used to have, and Another who couldn't care less about it if he tried. I don't know if i should be thankful that the break-up went easily or if i should be worried that I'm not over this yet. How can I go from using her gifts and seeing her picture every day and feeling nothing to seeing her in person and falling apart? I've TRIED to feel sad about breaking up with my Ex, i remember everything and tell myself it will never be that way again, its like i can't convince myself that I lost something important. Its like i forgot how to sense my feelings when i'm not with her.
I just don't know anymore... How should i feel? this just doesn't seem normal. :(
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What you're doing is grieving the loss of this relationship. And you're doing what most grieving people do - compartmentalizing. You "wall off" those feelings of grief, and you only experience them at certain moments or under certain circumstances (like going over to her place). Then when you experience the feelings, it's super-intense because you're not letting it out a little at a time, all the time.
So yes, this is "normal," in the sense that a lot of people do this. But it will take longer for you to get over her if you keep those feelings locked up. Talk to a friend or maybe a therapist about it, let yourself cry some more. It'll speed up the process.
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Firstly, I hope you weren't personally hurt by her nagging about porn. It is EXTREMELY common for people to watch porn. That never should have been a huge issue for your relationship. It's one thing if you can't leave your house without watching multiple hours of porn, but viewing some is COMPLETELY normal for males your age.
Secondly, your reaction after the break up is also normal, though the situation seems so dificult. It's like you never got to say bye to the 'real her' the girl you fell in love with, because she changed so much, and was a completely different person after all the fighting.
Lastly, I think you are completely on the right path. The questions are going to seem un-answered, 'loose-ends' and going to seem un-tied, everything is just going to suck for a while. In a month or two, when you begin to move on, and meet other girls on campus, and remember what it's like to be single, I think you're going to be very very happy with where you are and the decisions you made.
Being friends with her a few months down the road isn't out of the question, but I think you should distance yourself from her for a while, and both get healthy on your own. Good luck..
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Two and a half years is a long time to be with someone. You're conflicted. On one hand you recognize that things have changed and it's time to move on, but on the other hand you cherish what you once had with this girl. There are several unhealthy behaviors going on here. Your possible addiction to porn,her feelings of betrayal because of it, abusive behavior on both sides and most importantly her suicide threats. Yes, she could be threatening suicide in order to control you, as suicide is a very selfish act, and the threats shouldn't be taken lightly. None of this is healthy for either one of you. In my opinion the relationship is an unhealthy one. The fact that you feel fine when you're back at school and with your friends shows that it's the relationship that is causing you so much grief and stress. If you went back to school and stayed in bed missing classes all day that would indicate that you're taking the break up hard, but this isn't the case. I've seen this scenario unfold many times when one person goes off to college and the other one is left behind or attends a different college. Your life is changing and expanding. I think it's time to let things end once and for all with this girl. If she threatens suicide again the best thing to do would be to report it to someone. I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!
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