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Caring about myself hard is hard with so much pain.
I have a severe physical condition that causes my joints to dislocate very frequently (between 5 and 50 times a day depending on the joint). This causes me a hell of a lot of pain, as you can imagine. I was on morphine for 2 years to deal with the pain but with pain management therapy I learnt to deal with it. I also have severe depression that's worse in Autumn and Winter, as is the pain. Back in March, I started to make myself sick to lose weight. I know I wasn't (am not) fat but I love the control over my weight. I can't control my joints but I can control that scale dropping a point.
I know it's stupid, I know it's not going to help, I know I'm making myself unhealthy but I really can't seem to care. I'm concerned that this is the way I've learnt to deal with my pain, by not caring about my body and I'm scared that I won't be able to get better because I don't know how to learn to care about my body again, and if I do, I won't be able to cope with the pain.
I'm seeing a psychotherapist, I'm having mental health workers come to my house every few days, I'm taking my antidepressants, I'm trying to keep myself busy to stop myself dwelling on things. I'm trying not to make myself sick.
I just really can't see any possibility of me getting better seeing as I've got all the help available to me and it's not working, and even if I get better this time, I'm only going to get ill again next Autumn. I'm really really struggling to see the point in bothering any more.
I've been suicidal before and it's never really had a reason or thought process behind it. Now I have a thought process that says "I don't think the plus sides of being alive (friends, hobbies) outweigh the negatives (pain, depression) and while I know my family would be upset if I killed myself, I think they would understand"
Please tell me why that's not right.
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Hi,
It would not be right to kill yourself for you think your family would understand, because: even if they would understand, that would not prevent them from being in their worse pain for years to come. That's more pain than what you are feeling right now.
Just think: Every time your name comes up they will be in pain. Every time they look at a picture of you they will feel pain. Every time they look at themselves in the mirror, glance into a photo album, try to speak, look into the sky, spend time with someone, stare into space... That's every time someone asks about your parents daughter: "where is she now?", "Why would she do that?", "Oh... I am so sorry", they will feel pain. Its a pain that burns deep into their chest. A pain that makes a hole in their soul, tears apart their lives, makes them cry every night, wish that they were better parents, pray that it never happened, and have their heart stabbed a thousand times over.
They will hold eachother tightly, try to live but won't be able to and always think of what they could have done to prevent it. If you listened closely, they would sob tears of grief in thier sleep. Nothing would be able to make them feel better. They would say 'you don't know what its like' and 'it was all our fault' no matter what people would tell them. There wouldn't be a little light at the end of any tunnel. Your Moms life, your Dads life, your fiances life, your brothers lives and any of your friends lives: would never be the same. Remember this <3
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Your sucidial thought is not right because your family wouldn't understand. They love you very much and you there makes them happy. I may not know you, but i can tell you are a great person.
The most important thing to have, and I know it is going to be absolutely hard, but you need to have faith, love, hope and healing. If you have 3 out of 4 of those things....you will make it. I have sever depression (and bipolar disorder) so i can understand where you are coming from. It is hard to do things, but if you push yourself forward, you will be rewarded someday.
Much <3
xx
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