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Abusive Boyfriend?
I'm junior girl in high school. One of my very best friends is going out with this guy. He's in a couple of my classes and i've gone to school with him since elementary school so i know him pretty well. But he gets in fights all the time and gets suspended; he's kind of violent sometimes. He's really funny and nice, but he's scary when he's mad. I sometimes think he might do drugs or something, and i'm scared for my friend because she's the most innocent person i know. She would never hurt anyone or do anything bad. The other day, i was joking around and i didn't know he was mad, and he got pissed at me and shoved me really hard almost knocking me down. He then screamed in my friend's face and ran off. She was so embarrassed and kept apologising to me, even though i wasn't hurt at all, just shocked. I didn't think he would ever hit a girl, even if it was just shoving me. I've been worrying ever since then that maybe he hits or shoves around my friend too, but she won't tell anyone, and even if he doesn't, i don't think she should be going out with him. He's just bad news. I talked to my other friends and they said they have seens him scream at her before and curse in her face. What should i do? Do i ask her to break up with him? Should i talk to him? should i tell someone else? i'm so confused and scared for my friend :( Help me!
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Damn.
First, that sucks. The things you described set off alot of the "abusive" alarm bells I have to set off. Apologizing for him is a major sign that, if there were actual physical abuse going on, that she would keep it quiet. If his temper is explosive like that and you've seen him yelling in public it happens alot more in private, so you just pretty much established verbal abuse.
First steps is your parents/a school counselor. I don't take for granted on this site that parents might just not want to get involved, so if you don't think it would help choose the school counselor instead. Talk to them. Tell them what you've seen and heard.
From there, talk to your friend. I've got something for you to show her, I'll post it in a second. Express your concerns. Tell her that you want her to talk to you about what's going on if there's something, and that she needs to talk to people about some of the negative in her relationship, because it's very easy to lose perspective and think things are fine when they aren't.
Here's that bit of info.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
Abuses drugs or alcohol.
Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
Has a history of bad relationships.
Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends.
You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.
Does the person you love...
• constantly keep track of your time?
• act jealous and possessive?
• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?
• discourage your relationships with friends and family?
• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?
• constantly criticize or belittle you?
• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)
• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)
• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?
• have affairs?
• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?
• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?
• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?
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oh my gosh. ok you need to talk to your friend about it. alone. tell her that you don't like his attitude and the way he treats people. tell her exactly what you told us. that you've seen him swear at people and shove people and abuse people. tell her that you think he's a bad influence on her and that you really care about her and don't want to see her get hurt. ask her "truthfully did he ever abuse you?" also, you HAVE to understand that this is HER choice. not yours. you can't change her mind. you can't force her to break up with him. what you CAN do is let her know you care, that you'll always be there for her, and that your OPINON is that she should break up with him. dont tell her "you really should". just simply say "i think you should because i feel like he's a bad influence on you and i really care about you and dont want to see you get hurt"
if she gets mad for some reason, calmly tell her that you're not trying to control her, but rather let her know what you're thinking and let her know that you're there for her.
then i think you need to talk to him about it too. calmly ask him if there's something wrong, if he needs someone to talk to. don't be bitchy about it like- what is wrong with you? you need an attitude adjustment. that will piss him off. just ask him if things are ok with him and ask him why he's been in a bad/weird mood lately. tell him "i know you've changed because your attitude shows that something is wrong". also, let him know that you're there for him. let him know that you care about him and if he needs to talk that you'll be listening. most abusive people are abusive because they lock up all their emotions because they dont have anyone to talk to about them. if you let him know that he can talk to you, he wont have to bottle up his emotions, therefore wont be abusive.
i would also suggest telling someone else. a parent. a teacher. counselor. anyone who is older that can help. if this is how he is acting right now.. who knows what could happen if he's really ticked off.. i've heard about people bringing weapons to school because they were so abusive. make sure you tell someone. you dont want to think that "if i would have told someone than this woulnd't have happened.."
good luck and inbox me if you have more questions.
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