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Unfaithful Husband?
Hello, for starters, i love my husband very much but he has hurt me badly. I have caught him in the past 7 yrs. being overly flirtatious, sending secret texts, receiveing suspicious text(im getting in the bubble bath now tee hee). hiding one girls number in his phone, hiding video cameras around our house(for sexual reasons), trying to force me to "go out" with girls, lately he sent an email to a girl that was innapropriate, i asked him not to speak to her anymore. For 3 months..nothing. Then i found out he set up a secret email account to speak to her. He calls her cutie and tells her he will "punish" her. They play poker on monday nites. I LOST IT!! I have had enough!! He cried and told me he is sorry. I told him he is a SEX ADDICT!! through lots of i hate u's he told he me he NEVER kissed or had sex with another woman. Do I believe him?
He called up a therapist yesterday and admitted he needed help for a sex addiction. He said he couldnt live without me and would do whatever it takes to fix things. Im putting a stop to the monday poker, he takes a trip to vegas with the boys every march and swears he never cheated there either, do i believe that?? He went as far as soliciting a girl to friend me on facebook and act like a total stranger only he was talking to her on craigslist to try to get her to sleep with me.. totally behind my back. I have been friends with this girl for months, not knowing they were trying to make a "lesbian" out of me. He is 45, i am 33 and everyone tells me i am gorgeous. WHY am i not enough?? i am a great wife who is totally devoted to him! HELP! what if therapy doesnt work! thanks, Kimmie
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The advice you got from Razhie was excellent, I'm not going to try and top it!
There has to be a dramatic change, or you start walking. If I were you, I'd start to jettison stuff now so packing is easier. Sorry to be so negative, but the attempts to try and manipulate you on top of the fooling around is really rotten.
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If therapy doesn't change his dishonest, sexually controlling behaviour, than your marriage is over.
I'm sorry to say it so plainly, but that is sort of the answer to your question.
Inappropriate flirting and texting is one thing, but trying to trick or coerce you into sexual activity with another woman is abuse. Plain and simple, that is abusive behaviour. He hasn’t just been unfaithful; he has also actively abused you. It’s one thing to discuss different sexual interests with your partner – it’s another thing entirely to try secretly bullying them or pressuring them into things without open, respectful discussion. That is abuse.
If you still love him and want to work on your marriage, be supportive of therapy AND see a therapist together, to work on healing your relationship with one another, at the same time as he as an individual sees someone to addresses his problematic behaviour.
You need those two things to happen together to really work through these issues.
How can you believe him when he says he never had any contact with other women?
Well, if you love him and want to work on your marriage, than you sort of need to give him the benefit of the doubt, even if he doesn’t really deserve it. Hopefully, through therapy and the tough conversations a professional can help you have together; a fuller picture of his behaviour will come to light.
Finally, this is something I just hope will help you in finding a good therapist and get a bit more information:
Sexual Addition is an inaccurate phrase to use. Well informed doctors and people who study psychology are aware that it should not really be referred to as an addiction. Substances, like cocaine, are addictive. Sex is behaviour. Behaviour is compulsive. Sexually compulsions or sexual dependencies are definitely HUGE problems, but it’s important not to think of them as ‘addictions’ because that simply isn’t what is going on and it makes excuses and justifications for the ‘addicts’ behaviour that aren’t deserved. People don’t get addicted to sex like they might get addicted to cocaine. Sexual compulsions normally arise from other mental health issues (obsessive compulsive disorder or manic depressive disorders often) and important not to label SEX as the problem, but to address the underlying issues that sex is being used as a tool to address and control. You should do your best to recognize that your husband’s problem is more like anorexia or people who cut. It’s a HUGE serious behaviour problem, but it’s more like those mental health issue than it is like a drug dependency.
Of course, just because it’s not technically an addiction doesn’t mean its okay. It’s still completely and totally wrong for him to lie to you and abuse you, whether you call it an addiction, or a compulsion.
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You have a lot of strength to go this far in your marriage, if i was to catch my husband doing this he could kiss me and my children good bye about living with him. You are still very young and dont deserve to deal with someone who treats you so wrongly. Chances are his trips to vegas are no good and he should stop them as well comsidering they are temp tation. I would even go as far as getting rid of your internet. If it doesnt work I think you should seperate let him no you have had enough of this maybe he will relize what he screwed up and try harder to change for you. I wish you luck.
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