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What do I do now: I'm paralysed by my own apathy
I have a pritty complex problem. Jist is i'm 22, female and live in the UK, yet have no idea where to go from here. When I was 15 i was diagnosed with depression and OCD and have been struggling with it ever since. I was quite bright and really wanted to go to uni, though I could never make my mind up what I wanted to do and bcos of my depression and OCD I found it impossible to keep up with my studies or be on time for anything so I dropped out. Whenever I went to seek medical help, I was put on a waiting list and finally got appointments which I could never then make on time so they kept discharging me and I never got help. I dropped out of education and have since had a few dead end minimum wage jobs which I have consequently been sacked from for being late. I now have one where I just manage to get to on time, but its a huge struggle to do so and is only a few hours a week. My self esteem is now zero and I still can't make up my mind what I want to do and am afraid if I enter education again, I wont be able to keep up with it as I'm a severe perfectionist, can't make another job or classes on time and I still don't know what I want to do. Also because i'm 22, I now need to pay for all ed, which I can't afford on this terrible pay packet. I want to study many things at once and don't have enough money to do so.
Also, I have been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and a half and a few months ago found out he liked someone else - basically after an argument I said we were over and so he went out with mates I said I wouldnt be at The house (I moved in living there for about 6 months now) so he came back with them plus these girls I had never met and didnt expect me to be there. I didnt want it to be over and was really upset and he basically spent the whole time with a particular girl and crashed with her on the sofa. Then a few days later, we had made up but were on shaky ground by then, he went out with friends again got drunk and rang my phone by accident after I text him and left a voicemail saying about him fancying this other girl and calling me a psycho. I left him again but he begged me back, I said only if one you stop getting rat assed drunk and never even see her again at all. He agreed to these. This though has destroyed what little trust I had left. He would hide girl mates from me, all of which would be hitting on him. Even one time we were in pub he had made an effort that night had been there once or twice before and disappeared to toilet for like 20 mintues so I was like where were you - petting a dog. Bascially he had actually been hit on by this girl and gave her his number then proceeded to lie to me about it and then text her for the remaining night - I was livid bout it. I also said never go near her if you want to be with me. So no contact until this month where I go away with mates and leave him in town and he spends all night with this girl and then lies about being with her. I have no trust left no and am so heart broken cos I fell in love with him and he tries to say he loves me but I don't understand how you can fancy someone else if you are in love with a person. I cant do it. Trouble is I live at his house and want to move out yet have no where to go. I feel stuck in this crap relationship just cos i am stuck living here. I just want to go. I still love him and being here is too painful. Since Jan this year there has been problems with other girls and I cant take it anymore. I use to trust him and let him do his own thing, but it seems I was never enough. This has made me feel even worse, so the other day I got hold of the shot gun he legally owns and tried to kill myself, but he caught me before I could pull the trigger. He just took the gun off me yet didnt even try and be there for me when I just needed someone. How is that love on his part?
Now basically the only time I leave the house is to go to the 20odd hours a week job. I have basically shut myself away and given up on life. I dont know how to get out of all this. I feel anxious of people when I leave the house as I feel they will just ruin me. I have only a few friends left, but they are not ones I can depend on or turn to. I cant depend on my boyfriend/ex as he freaks out if I ever talk about how i'm feeling. Is it possible for me to become an inpatient somewhere where I can perhaps get some intensive treatment and get away from here because I just dont see the point in waking up each day, have no clue where to even start sorting my life out and so just want to end it because dying has got to be better then living in misery every single day. Is there any other agencies, funding or anything that can help me to get my life back on track, help me get into education again or just get well. Please help x
Also my parents are getting divorced and have sold the house, so I cant go stay with them. I don't know where they will go. Sorry this is really long, I just thought detail would be best
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I do know where you are coming from, as someone who has bipolar disorder and OCD, is 23 years old and has failed out of school repeatedly for the last 5 years.
First, you need to understand that your life is not irretrievable. Just because you are mentally ill does not mean that you can't live a relatively normal, productive, happy life doing what you want to. It takes a whole lot of effort, but you can turn your illness around and make it a positive thing.
If you feel that you are a danger to yourself, you need to go to the hospital emergency room and tell them so. Ask to be checked in to a psychiatric ward until you are stable again. I did it, and it kick-started my recovery like you wouldn't believe. It gives you time to rest and rebuild from the very beginning. You have nothing to focus on but getting treatment and getting better.
This is where you will find that your OCD can be a huge gift, oddly enough. I have problems with serious perfectionism myself. If I missed taking a pill, I would just stop, because it was all ruined and the imperfection made me anxious. However, you can spin this, as I've learned. Once I figured out how to channel my OCD, things got a lot better.
Go out and get yourself a daily planner. Stick to it like your life depends on it. Set alarms if you need to. I have an alarm that goes off when I need to take my meds. I haven't missed them in 3 months. I track everything in my planner... whether or not I exercised, what my mood was like, how much I slept, whether I took my pills or not. I write down everything that I need to do. Once it goes in the book, it is law.
I know that with depressive periods, it gets hard to leave the house, or to make it to appointments. It's a matter of forcing yourself at first. If it means scheduling the time up until it happens, then do it. Break it up into small, easily achievable tasks like showering or eating breakfast. Then just put one foot in front of another until you're there. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to do it for yourself.
Don't try to change too much at once. I know it's tempting to try and sort out your entire life in one big go, but it's not reasonable to expect that of yourself. Start small. If you shower every day, that's an achievement. If you get to work on time every day, that's another. If you get to an appointment, bake a cake, because that's a huge achievement. Celebrate everything that you do, because when you're depressed it IS a big deal.
You do need to talk to your parents. Let them know that your boyfriend has cheated on you, and that you're leaving him for the sake of your mental health. Ask both of them what their plans are for after the divorce, and see if you can stay with them so that you can save money for school. Be prepared to make definite plans, like setting aside a certain percentage of each paycheck, or even paying a little rent.
As for your education, it is possible. I'm not sure about student loans, or how much it costs to go to school in the UK (I'm in Canada) but there are options. I had to make the choice to switch to college instead of university because I couldn't afford a university tuition, especially the way I kept failing out. Go talk to the schools' financial offices to see what your options are for financial aid. You might be surprised. I know my school offers a work-study program, where you can work for the school for a pretty good wage.
I know you want to do everything, but you have to make choices. Again, OCD is a good thing here. Write out an organized, detailed comparison chart. Compare schools by programs, cost and whatever other factors. Find out what you're most passionate about and what will enable you to move out of the minimum wage level. Be realistic. A four year degree in arts won't get you much of anywhere on its own. A diploma in office administration will give you a bit of a salary bump, won't take too long and will get you out of the retail grind. That sort of thing. It might not be your dream job, but sometimes your dream job isn't exactly feasible. There's only room for so many beer tasters out there :P
One thing that has been a godsend for me over the last year is the discovery that mental illness is counted as a disability by schools. It means that as long as I am in treatment and under doctor supervision, I get certain accommodations to assist me in my studies. For instance, my absences are covered, in case I miss a test or a lab period due to a flare-up in symptoms. I also get extra time to write my exams, and I write in a different room. This helps me with my need to reread and rewrite answers. I also am eligible for extensions on assignments, for the same reason. This really helps when it comes to trying to juggle treatment with living.
Whatever you do, stay alive. Nobody, and no amount of failure is worth ending your life. There is always a chance to redeem yourself and to do things right.
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First of all - get out of that relationship and his house IMMEDIATELY. That situation will not help you deal with your own issues but will only make them worse.
Where to go? Hmmm......your parents are divorcing? Are you close to either of them? That's the one you should try to stay with.
The fact that you tried to take your own life with a gun speaks volumes and you actually provided your own answer in your second to last paragraph. Granted, I'm no doctor/counselor but you sound like a definite candidate for inpatient treatment and you should have been sent there right after the gun incident. (Thank god your bf found you when he did!) Please investigate that possibility.
Since you live in the UK and I'm in the US, I'm not familiar with what services your country can provide for you but I'm certain there's some sort of government or social service entity you can go to who can direct you to the right place. Please promise me you'll make that call today!
You sound like a nice, intelligent gal and the world needs more people like you! Don't give up on yourself.
P.S. Are you taking any meds for the depression/OCD? If not, you might want to look into that as well. If you are, you might want to see if your dosage needs changing. (Which is quite normal when taking psychiatric meds.)
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Leave. Just go. Leave everything behind and travel the world. See if you can find yourself on the way. Meet new people, be around a new setting, expeirence life. It's what you need to do. Your stuck, the only thing to do is get unstuck right? Just go place to place. Just get enough money so you can go to the next place and go adventure. Live a little. Sooner or later you will find what your looking for. You can take all your belongings to one of your parents house and just leave it all. Experience the unexpeirenced and you shall live a life of wonder and adventure. You could become a photographer as a side job, take pictures of where you travel. Theres always something better to do with your life than ending it. Always. Some how, some day, you will find your way. Promise. (:
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