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Is This a Normal Marriage?
I am 19 years old. My husband is 23. We have 3 children. The problem is we fight all the time. If i try and talk to him about stuff we just stop talking he wont say anything to me and he says it is because he doesnt want to argue. At night he ignores when the kids get up so that i always am the one the get up with them even if i have the flu or something i have something wrong with my stumoch and i have to have an ultra sound done he told me i am not going if it is going to take a long time because im not going to sit there and wait. he doesnt work when or if i get him a job he works for like a week then quits I feel like he hates me it bothers me he hardly showers he doesnt brush his teeth or wear deodarant but i love him. Is this a normal marriage or am i just pretending its normal.
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You shouldn't just up and leave the guy or give him some crazy ultimatum like you're the only person that matters in this marriage. Many times ultimatums are just as one-sided and immature.
You need to sit down and have a mature, one-on-one, adult discussion with him.
He may be feeling overwhelmed. Not many 23 year olds are married and raising 3 children. He could be depressed or feeling neglected himself.
It could be that he has no idea what duties should be his. He may no have any idea what his role should be in this sort of partnership. If you're aggressive and always take the plunge forward first then he may be sitting back saying, "Well, if she's doing all of this then...wow, I'm completely worthless. I don't know what I can do to help..." It's enough to drive a person mad, sometimes, and it isn't anyone's fault. It just happens. Sometimes some people need a set guideline of things they need to accomplish, even.
The truth is, you aren't ever going to know what's really up if you don't open your mouth. No screaming, cursing, ultimatums, scare tactics, fighting, bickering, finger-pointing, or anything. A normal, adult discussion about a serious matter.
It's time to talk with him and see if you can come to some sort resolution. Tell him you feel like things are one sided many times. Tell him you think that the way things are going will end up destroying your marriage before long. Tell him you're worried for your partnership because you love him and you want to make things work but you're simply not happy.
Suggest you two seek marriage counseling.
You need to let him know that these things, the exact things you wrote here, bother you. I highly suggest you go as far as to print off this very question you've written here and take it in to the counselor with you. If he never knows there is a major problem then he cannot change or try to fix the issue(s). He isn't a mind reader and neither are you. You have no idea what is going through his head.
Therapy can help if you're both willing to work on things. Your husband may be mentally ill and not want to divulge his dirty little secret to you that he's feeling overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, or at the end of his rope. For you and him both, the past few years sound like they have been fast-paced and hectic. He may just be scared to suddenly wake up as a grown adult with a wife and children.
So, sit down with him first and have a discussion. A serious discussion. Ask for his attention for a period of time. Spill the beans. Tell him you're unhappy and you are thinking this sort of marriage isn't normal. Tell him this isn't what you want in a marriage.
Tell him if you want to salvage things before they go completely sour. Encourage him to help you fix this marriage. Seek a good marriage counselor together. Make the phone calls. Seek help.
Do not, DO NOT, just walk away. That isn't how adults handle these situations. That isn't mature or honest. You have to try. You made vows and you can't just pretend you can overlook this sort of broken promise by walking out of the door.
Talk with him.
Find help.
If things cannot be resolved then you know you at least tried and gave it your all. It could be as little as a few months and you could see complete changes. You could see a whole different man after some therapy together. Or maybe you'll see that you made a bad decision in being partners with this man. Everything will come out, eventually, but it's up to you to give this marriage a chance before kicking him to the curb. He's human, too, and sometimes we don't do the right things when we don't feel good about ourselves or our situation.
23 with 3 children and a wife is enough to scare any man. It's enough to weigh on you. It's enough to suck you into a depression and make you feel worthless or hopeless. It's enough to cause you enough stress that you cannot cope with a steady job. It's enough to merit therapy.
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You need to make him step up or leave because this man is not good enough for you. If he loves you he should take care of you when you're sick and take turns with you when it comes to the kids. Give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't try harder, then you are taking the kids and spending some time away from him. It seems like he is too immature to be married with 3 children, and you are young and still have your life ahead of you, you don't want him holding you back with his negativity. You don't deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you feel loved, you shouldn't have to do everything while he doesn't even try. You need to confront him about it and don't take any of his crap, don't let him interrupt you and shrug you off. Tell him that he needs to get a job, take care of his kids, and get himself a shower. This is not fair to you and you can't take it, show him who's boss. Good luck!
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