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betrayed by my pervert bff roommate and now i'm stuck here with no idea wha
I found a video my roommate took of a friend of mine, taken from a hidden camera in a vent in my bathroom. I am disgusted & hurt he took advantage of her this way. I love him very much but can't stand knowing what he did. We've been so close and do everything together. But now it's all ruined. I'm afraid of him now, even though I know he won't do anything to me. I don't know why I'm afraid but what's sure is I no longer trust him and I'm questioning if our friendship was ever real. He helped me through some really hard times, was there for me unlike anyone I've ever known before. Before I found this, I trusted him completely. He went out of his way to help me for a long time while I dealt with major chaos in my life. NO ONE has ever been so good to me, but now I found this. I'm heartbroken and disgusted and no idea what to do. The video he took was of a really close friend of mine who I love. She is exceptionally beautiful and I guess he couldn't help himself. This lack of control and invasion of privacy is sick. I told him to seek help immediately before I decided what to do with this information. He didn't hesitate, and found a psychologist the same day. He's been telling me repeatedly how he wants to die and hates himself, how ashamed he is. He cries everyday. Says he's never felt this way before & is disgusted with himself, as he should be. What do I do? I hate him but love him. I hate to see him in so much pain but cant be there for him like he was for me. My biggest torture is how can I look at my friend in the face and not say anything? She and I have never had any filter and talked about anything and everything. But now, I feel if I tell her it would cause more harm than good. She is a happy positive person despite extreme hardships in her life. I admire her because I'm opposite & give up easily because EVERYONE I've loved my whole life has hurt me in big ways. Cheating, stealing, beatings, lies...now I'm alone again but have to live here for I am broke from unemployment and can't afford to move. I have nowhere to go. He offered to leave but I can't stand the thought of living here with a stranger. Prior this I never had a roommate before. I'm ill & it's difficult to find someone understanding. He's very close to his mother so I gave him an option. Tell his mother, my friend or the police. His choice. And I will live with the burden of hiding this from everyone else. Am I doing the right thing? I miss him so much but I don't know him anymore.
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To be blunt you aren't thinking with your head on straight if you believe it's okay to hide this from the victim. Then again, who could expect you to be in the right frame of mind when something like this happens.
There's no precedent on how someone tackles this as it's unusual for people to find themselves in it. What you have to do is tell your friend (the victim) that you have something very troubling to tell her that could be life-altering for both of you.
Next tell her that you caught someone who you thought was a friend with a video that he recorded secretly of her in an intimate situation and want her to know the truth. This way she doesn't suspect you of wrong doing and can take action with the police herself as is her right. Imagine if it were you. Telling her the truth is the ONLY thing to do.
Although your male friend is someone who helped you and that you loved you have to understand that he's got a serious problem and is quite sick to be doing this. He can go to jail for it and perhaps needs to.
You have to cast him out of your inner circle though and realize that you shouldn't feel a shred of guilt over this as long as you tell her. Tell him not to contact you and to continue getting professional help.
What he's trying to do is lay a guilt trip on you so you don't tell anyone and will be there for him. He's not apt to hurt or kill himself but even if that did transpire it's not your fault and you have no influence on his actions. You simply must do what is right.
The thing is and this is true of most situations like this that this is NOT the first time he's done this or victimized other women and even if it were he would likely re-offend. You also can't take his word that he didn't try to do this to you either. People who do this have a long pattern of behavior. It may just be his first time caught.
If he lives with you kick him out unless he's on the lease and find another person you know to share the apartment or appeal to friend's parents, your parents or anyone who can help once you tell them why he's moved out and what he did. TRUST ME people will bend over backwards to help once they know your story.
It will be okay but first step is to TELL HER RIGHT NOW. Let me know what happens. You owe it to her much like someone would to you if roles were reversed.
Will it affect her life and positive attitude? Perhaps and perhaps not. That's something you can't gauge. But, I will tell you something you'll do irreversible harm if you don't tell her and one day she finds out some other way. Think of her as you.
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