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I'm a prostitute but I don't want to be one any more
I'm the mother of 2 beautiful little girls, ages 2 and 4, and they are really the light of my life. I've been single ever since I got pregnant with my first baby girl and have been working hard for my girls to support them completely. Here is where my mess comes in at:
After I got pregnant with my first girl I've been alone. The guy that got me pregnant skipped town and I haven't really heard from him since. I'm strong though and I've done very well without him. I was laid off from my job a few months after my first was born. I couldn't find a job around here and couldn't relocate.
There's this guy down the road here that said if I gave him oral sex then he'd give me a little extra cash. I took him up on it. It was money to feed my little one. Things got deeper and we ended up doing a lot of things together and he would give me some money for my time.
Things led on and he kind of referred me to a few of his friends. After awhile I made enough money to pay rent and support me and my little girl. Then I found out I was pregnant again. It's so shameful but I have no idea which one might have gotten me pregnant. I'm not proud of not knowing but I was doing the best I could do. Don't get me wrong though, I love her to death, but it hurts me that I won't ever get to tell her stories about her dad.
One night recently I was with one of the guys and he asked me how many kids I had. I told him 2 and we got on the subject of the youngest one. He ended up saying something like
Well, when you're a prostitute I guess things like that happen.
I never thought of myself as a prostitute. I never have stood out on the streets looking for men to have sex with for money or something like that.
The problem is that I don't want to be a prostitute, but, apparently, I am. What should I do? There's no way I am going to find a job here that pays enough to support me and my girls. Where do I go from here? Should I keep doing this? I'm totally lost.
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The words that were spoken to you may have been hard to hear, but it showed you how others view your lifestyle. A lot of our self esteem comes from how others view us. It makes us feel good about ourselves to know others have a high regard for us. The thing to think about is what will your children think of you when they get old enough to understand what is going on. You ask if you should continue doing what you are doing. I think you already know this is not the life you want for yourself and your children. The material things you may have acquired have clouded your vision. You never meant for things to snowball into the situation you now have. It just progressed from one stage to the next. There are ways to make a living to support yourself and your children without losing your self respect. I would consider tapping into the resources in your community. Going back to school is a good option. You can actually get paid to go back to school. you can also supplement this income by applying for public assistance. There is no shame in accepting help until you can get on your feet to support yourself. There are some programs that only take a year or two. Radiology techmicians make a really good wage and the training is not that lengthy. I would also see a guidance counselor to have your strengths and weaknesses evaluated so that you can be directed to a career that complement your strong qualities. Just make up your mind that you will not return to this lifestyle, no matter what. No turning back. Stay focused and good luck!
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Do a google search on local shelters, support groups, churches or programs that help single mothers like you, who are trying to leave an undesirable lifestyle. I happen to believe you CAN find a job to support your girls, but you may have to make a lot of sacrifices. Maybe you have to give up expensive cell phones, cable, new clothes, or spacious apartments. But there is welfare, foodstamps, and lots of other aid available to single mothers who work low wage jobs. You can use these things to help you while you work for a better life. Its not easy, but the right thing never is. You have some tough choices to make, but I know you don't want your girls to grow up knowing you're a prostitute, and you wouldn't want THEM to get into that either. You can do this. Its going to take some planning. Its going to take setting some goals for yourself, and deciding the best, safest way to reach those goals. It helps to be in a religious community of people who understand your struggles and can help you by being good examples and supporting your particular needs. So find a church, synagogue, somewhere you feel comfortable and welcome. The good news for you is - you sound really smart, so there's no doubt you have a lot of skills and ideas to offer the world, with the proper education and opportunity; AND you have to beautiful girls to keep you grounded and keep you focused on your task ahead. You can do this! Will it be hard? YES, but nothing worth having is ever easy. Don't give up. Don't be afraid of sacrifice, and don't sell yourself short. You're the only YOU in the world. You are special and you have something special to offer. Find out what that is, then go do it. Good luck. I know you're scared, but there's a better life out there for you. I promise.
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