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i dont know if i was sexually abused as a child?
ohkay so lately ive been thinking that i might have been sexually abused as a child..alright, well lately when me and my boyfriend have been doing sexual things ive felt kinda guilty afterwards not because of anything he did or i did. idk its just a feeling. and when i think about it i dont have any memory of like younger than 10ish. when i was little i used to always wanna play "doctor" with my friends but like with clothes off, wed usually hide in a closet or something. and as from when i was little till a couple years ago i used to hump things like anything i could find. when i was little i used to hum hampers and beds and couches and my parents would catch me and tell me to stopp. and as i got older and still humped i felt guilty afterwards. i dont know why im feeling this way. i dont understand it. i even had a dream a couple months ago that my dad was trying to "touch" me but he would NEVER do soemthing like that. i just dont know what to think. any help would be appreciated. thanks.
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it sounds like when you parents cought you and told you to stop you must of thought that it is wrong to feel that need and you should not be doing it. did your parents ever have that talk with you to tell you about what you are feeling?
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Your childhood sounds a lot like mine. That's kind of awkward to admit, but being curious is normal. From what you described, you weren't forced to participate in that kind of behavior. It seems like you chose to do it because it is what you wanted. Honestly, I don't think you have been violated as a child considering I have a similar past and don't feel bothered by it.
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A lot of children want to explore other bodies. It's human curiosity. With the way parents express concern over always needing to be clothed it's natural to want to know what other humans look like without clothes on. A lot, lot, lot of children go through these sorts of phases. Who thinks it's acceptable to let a child run naked through a supermarket, right?
As the body grows and hormones fluctuate, especially with our genetically modified this-and-that and hormonal injected cattle, children may find pleasure in things like humping inanimate objects. Most of these children have absolutely no idea why it feels pleasurable or that it has anything to do with sex. It also may stem from trying to teach a child to stick to the clothes-on norm and also teaching them not to touch themselves inappropriately. If you've EVER been around a 3 year old for any sort of extended period of time you'll probably hear the mother having to correct the child for touching their genitals. They mean no harm. It's just another part of the body--and when Mom keeps saying not to touch it, children do become curious about what is "down" there. Who thinks it's acceptable to let a child run around a store touching themselves, right?
And dreams are, of course, just dreams. You know your father and sound like you are very sure he would have never touched you. I wouldn't be concerned over the dream too much.
The guilty feeling after humping for pleasure is probably stemming from parental correction you received when you were younger. They would catch you humping something, which felt good to you, and tell you that it was bad and not to do naughty things like that. It's what parents say to correct children in these instances. Anyway, as you grow older you may subconsciously recall them telling you that the behavior was wrong and unacceptable. The problem is that it does feel good, even to children, and so you get those mixed emotions.
So, everything you describe is in range for a healthy adult. Now, if you have memories of, say, somebody touching your genitals when you were younger and being afraid, unhappy, embarrassed, or degraded then things might be different. As it stands now, it really sounds like you just grew up like a normal American girl. Your parents didn't mean any harm in correcting you, but you were a growing child so curiosity gets the better of you at times. If you are still having further concerns you can speak to a counselor or therapist about it.
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