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And, so
I don't quite know where to start with this. I'm actually so confused, I'm having difficulty just fabricating sentences. Sorry if this sounds confusing. I'm just hoping someone will listen. It's long, so if you don't feel like reading it a story, skip to the next question.
I feel that for the past few years (from freshman year highschool , to senior year) That over the course of the months, half of the year, what have you- I'll be extremely depressed- then the next half of that year, I'll be completely fine. Or, it'll be like that for 3 months, then the rest I'll be functional, ect. ect. . Trying to figure this out myself has been the hardest thing, but I also know not to be foolish and complain to people. I'll be myself one day, then suddenly feel indifferent and have serious social difficulties (or, just not feel like talking to people). Nothing I can think of actually triggered these events. I'm wondering, if it's from trauma of my past? (As a child, my family was abusive- verbally,mentally, physically) Years ago, it was much worse. My mother suffered from severe depression with the fact that my father had developed psychotic aspects to his personality. He became delusional, schizophrenic, angered and an alcoholic. She watched him change, and from what I can conclude worst really did come to worst. They devorced, and he's now a lot better- as is she. To say the least- I feel like I've forgotten a lot of my childhood to the soul fact of saving my mind from the stress of being so little. I only remember memories of some friends. So after that messyness, needless to say , I believe it's the reason these past few years have been so hard on me. I feel like something is coming back to haunt me, something I can't even remember. I wouldn't be typing this if I were fine. I honestly just can't grip how I can be happy- then suddenly feel blank nothingness. I feel like a black void is just in my head. It's too stressful, I really just want to give up all together. But, I could never voice this out to anyone- I don't know how. I try to tell my mom how I feel "nothing", I can't think of anything, and I'm just generally upset for no reason- but it almost seems as though she doesn't care. She just tells me it'll pass. I don't know what to do, how I can be helped, or where to turn. If you haven't guessed, I have no real connections in my life. I guess I'm just looking for some peace, some story you have for me, something to believe. Some kind of help, any kind. Thanks
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Hey there,
You never mentioned how old you are, but thats alright. I think you need to get away from all the stress in your home life for a while. I believe being in this place where you don't feel as if you are being heard, feel as if you should be finding something better, and having things that bring you down, makes you feel depressed. You cannot change things in the past such as your mother suffering and your parents divorcing. It is not your fault and just because your mom went through it, doesn't mean you have to feel the same way she did. I know it is hard to keep moving day by day when your past is still with you. There are many things you can let go of... but others will still stick with you, and perhaps that is a bit of a good thing.
You learn from your past and I know this because as yourself, I have had some things that brought me down because of it. I have seen my parents divorce because of alcohol, I have felt depressed on and off, I have lost all my friends, and sometimes I feel/felt like giving up because it seems like the easy thing to do or it seems hard to move on. The only thing you should do though, is learn from these things, grow from it, and know that what you have gone through makes you a much stronger person.
It is what is inside of you that is hurting, so you need to fill your heart and time with all the things that make you smile. It does not matter what others say, you are your own person and you should follow yourself. Turn on your favorite music and dance around your room, soak yourself up in a nice bubble bath, take a walk around the park with your favorite stuffed animal, eat ice cream, wear your favorite clothes around the house just because you can, and if you want to hang out in your house wearing your comfy pj's all day... go right ahead :) You know what will make you smile, so start doing those things today.
You seem as if you just need someone to talk to about your problems. Someone who will listen and someone who will understand. There is always time for great things to happen in your life, if you give them time and allow them to do so. Never lose hope. You are a great person and none of the things you mentioned are your fault. Everyone needs to be heard, sometimes it is just hard for people to hear. If you want, you can inbox me anytime and/or e-mail me. I can help you have a connection <3
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