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Toxic Grandma
I was never married to my son's father. My son is now 15 years old. Father doesn't want anything to do with son- when they do spend time together - Dad is always hyper critical of son (who is really a good normal teen). My problem is Grandma is toxic. She makes us feel guilty no matter how hard we try to please her. She used to bug son about going to orthodox church with her to the point that son no longer wanted to spend time with her. Since then I have tried to foster relationship out of respect for her but it always fails. Son now dreads seeing her. She has no respect for our busy schedule. When we do get together she only complains about lack of visits. Nothing is ever enough. I am tired of trying to reason with her. She makes my son feel bad and he doesn't want to be left alone with her. Neither of us feel like we can stand up to her because you usually respect your grandma. bad situation but I need to end it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated - thanks!
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It just so happens I am going through this as well! It is my own mother, not my grandmother...
I am happy to say our issue is nearly resolved but it has taken a lot of hard work (emotionally) and has caused tears that you may need to get prepared for.
I dont want to tell you what to do. What I will do is give you some information that you can use to make your own decisions. And this happens to be the very same advice I got a month or so ago from a friend of mine at church whom I have tremendous respect for...
My mother is the sweetest thing. Almost everyone who meets her thinks she is so nice and would do anything for her. For a number of reasons that are too personal to share... this is only true if you dont know her as well as I do. She is manipulative. She is a liar and will tell you what SHE thinks YOU want to hear. She was "bad" enough that she wasnt even permitted by the court system to raise me. We were estranged for 22 years until I had kids and now she wants to be in their lives.
I have a big heart and did not want to tell her no. However, I am a responsible, overprotective, loving mother who is more concerned with my kids safety than anything else so I have permitted occasional supervised visits. Last summer she moved only a few miles from us. She has been calling us almost every day, generally wanting something. She has asked to borrow money. She wants me to be her taxi service. She has visited my church to scheme charity from them. When she doesnt get what she wants, she cries to her friends. They in turn started calling me telling me "she's your MOTHER!! You owe her!
At the advise of my (incredibly intelligent-smile) husband, my pastor, and my church friends I have come to the realization that I am responsible for 5 people; me, my husband, and our 3 kids. Not her. Her involvement in our life is toxic. I had to tell her she was not to call me more than once or twice a month. She was not to ask for money or for me to drive her places. If she wants to see her grandkids once or twice a month for an hour or two we can meet at a neutral location. That is where it ends. We will have nothing more to do with her.
If you want your relationship with her to be better she needs to have a clear understanding of how you feel. She may or may not understand that she is causing such hostile feelings in you or your son. If I were in your place I might have a conversation something like this "Grandma, we do not like the way our current relationship is going. You do not make our visits enjoyable. If you want to continue to spend time with us it is going to have to be on our terms, or we will have to stop visiting altogether. First: Johnny (your son) will not be visiting you on Sundays, at least not until you are home from church. Second: We have busy schedules so we can only visit you the first Saturday of the month unless you want to find a way to Johnny's football game."
Another effective communication tool is the "I feel" statement: when you ... I feel... because...
"when you complain about our lack of visiting I feel irritated because you dont respect we have busy schedules and when we do visit you make us feel guilty. We will not tolerate this any longer.
You are responsible for you and your son. Not letting her tell you two how to live your lives.
Obviously I dont know how you talk to your grandma so some of this may sound cheesy. I think you will find though that if you set your mind on a time and date, practice what you want to say in the mirror, and then hold your breath, close your eyes, and just DO it... at the end of the day you will feel a million pounds lifted off of your shoulder. I just want to caution that if you want to continue having her in your life... whatever you choose to say needs to be done letting her know that you love her and want her to cooperate because you would be hurt if she didn't want to be around anymore. I didnt have this problem. I was a bit nasty with my mother because I dont care if I see her again. I didnt see her for 22 years. I grew up in a wonderful home, married a great man, and have a very happy life... then she showed up so couth was not somthing i was concerned about.
I hope this helped... family relations can be tricky and we dont always want the outcome to be that we are estranged.
Best of luck.
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