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How do I deal with a rumor started about me by a coworker I don't know?
I’ve been working at this place for a long time now and there’s this guy on another shift that has given me really vicious, hateful looks almost everyday since he’s started there, which has been only a couple years. Now, I have absolutely no idea at all who this guy is, I’ve never worked with him, and have never even spoken a word to him. I didn’t even know his name, at first. Sometimes he’ll pass by me and if I happen to look at him I’ll politely nod my head in a friendly gesture at him, but still receive a hateful glance in return. Also, there have been a few moments on some days when I’ll pass by him and he’s standing around with some other coworkers and I happen to notice he is staring at me and talking about me to the other folks, and I know this because they will all stare back at me and all them are wearing sly grins on their faces. Plus, almost every time he comes into work he seems like he tries to avoid me while giving me those hateful glares. Naturally I blow it off, not that big a deal. But recently, I have just discovered the source of his hatred toward me: he has been telling people that I am gay and that he would love to beat me up. I had finally asked someone from the next shift (the one he’s on) if they knew what his problem was with me (which is how I found out his name) and this person told me this. Now, I’m not offended as I have a few gay friends, but it’s simply not true. Like I said, it’s no big deal, I have no idea who this guy is, never spoken to him or anything, therefore he doesn’t know me, and as far as I know I’ve never given him or anyone else a reason to think I’m gay, not that that matters as I don’t care what other people think anyway. Most people I work with know me well enough anyway, so that doesn’t bother me, it’s a pretty grade school thing happening here. So, I can blow off a rumor, yet because it’s something that has been started and a vague threat has been made, I would hate for this to escalate to something worse, such as me ending up being a victim of some misguided hate crime or something outside of work, let alone one or both of us losing our jobs over something so pointless and immature. I know that may sound extreme but it could be a possibility and if there’s a chance I can prevent any further complications from this, how should I deal with it? Continue to blow it off and let it run its course, or should I confront this guy about it?
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Go straight to your boss.
Spreading rumours counts as bullying, and that's what this guy is, a bully. Well done for rising above it but you're right, if this did escalate it could cause unecessary trouble for you.
You will not get into trouble for speaking to your boss and any conversation you have with him/her should be in confidence.
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This guy is obviously a huge jerk, and if he's willing to jump to conclusions without even meeting you, then I highly doubt that he's willing to come to a reasonable, adult agreement.
Don't confront him one on one, because that COULD lead to you getting in serious trouble, especially if the situation escalates. Since this is a workplace issue, your boss or HR manager is required by law to step in if you complain about being sexually harassed (which is what this is). Most workplaces have a zero tolerance policy.
Let your boss (or the appropriate person) know that this person who you have never met has taken offense with you, and that they are spreading rumours about your sexual orientation and making threats against you. You cannot be penalized for complaining.
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If what you want is me to re-affirm that you should blow it off, then this answer will be of no use to you. What would I do? I would confront him, but heres a step by step guide as to what I would do, feel free to use the advice, or simply ignore it:
1. Get in close with the people he is telling these rumours to - the people who looked back at you with sly grins. Talk to them. Are you interested in sport? As stereotypical as it sounds, Men do enjoy talking about sports. Talking about sports - a testosterone filled activitiy, will give the contrary impression of what he is saying about you. Now of course, this is not true- Straight men may not enjoy sports, and Gay men may do. But asking "did you see the game" or whatever, will not only give the impression of "manly-ness" it will also start friendly conversation.
2. Once you are close to his 'allies' so to speak, confront them about it. He's new, You've been working there for longer, other co-workers would have seen you around a lot more, and so may be more comfortable with you. Ask "what's **InsertHomophobesNameHere** problem? i see him giving me these wierd looks". If they dont tell you, forget it, dont pressure them.
3. If they tell you, you have solid proof. If not, dont worry, your friend still told you, but it would be better confirming it with the rest. Confront him, when its just you and him. Dont do it when he's with his group of friends, where he may try to impress them by starting a fight or something. Just ask him "What's your problem? i heard that you've been spreading rumours about me?" Now, at this point, it would be useful if there would be only 3 people in the room. You, a friend of yours, and the homophobe. The friend can break up a fight, or act as a witness.
4. If he resorts to violence, its your friends cue to come in and break it up. Dont approach him with your friend next to you. You friend should ideally be atleast a car lengths away, pretending to look busy, and mind his own business. Because you have a witness, it lessens your chance of being in serious trouble if there is violence. But dont initiate the violence. Talk clearly, but not loudly, as to intimidate him, or initiate violence.
5. Hopefully you will get an answer as to the rumours, and the fact that you approached him, may intimidate him.
6. These types of people who are very against this tend to be violent, so be careful.
7. maybe he spread the rumour because of something else. Because if there is nothing you have done to make him think your a Homosexual, why would he spread something like that? I dont know. Maybe he's jealous
Remember, this is what i would do, and not neccessarily what you should. Use your judgement as you know the full situation.
Hope i helped, if you have a follow up Question or whatever, just ask. :)
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