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partner with a split personality?
My boyfriend of a two years is a wonderful, funny, considerate man. (We live together, have lots of mutual friends and interests, and generally get along great.) However, I'm concerned about his past. Many friends have told me that he was a "playboy" before I knew him, and he openly admits to cheating on many past girlfriends. I've even -- ahem -- stumbled on old emails between my boyfriend and his male friends, in which they traded naked photos of women and said generally rude, dirty, abusive things.
This is a man who is always there for me, cooking me dinner and putting my needs first. He has given me no reason to distrust him in all the time we've been together. He swears that, since meeting me, everything is different. We're both nearing 30 and have started to talk about marriage. But knowing what I know about his unsavory past, I am having trouble believing him - and frankly I'm a little creeped out. Am I nuts to consider a life with this man? Is the cliche true - that people can't really change?
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Everyone has a past and everyone does things they're not proud of.
Like you say yourself, he's given you no reason to distrust him. Why throw a perfectly good relationship into doubt because he has a past?
Of course there's no way of guaranteeing that he won't cheat on you but then again, he has no way of guaranteeing the same for you either.
The fact that he's been so open about his past should reassure you. If he planned to do the same to you, it's unlikely he'd be so honest with you.
Put these doubts aside and see him as the man YOU met, not the man he was before he knew you.
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I don't think you're nuts to consider a future together. You obviously love him and you've said he's given you no real reason to distrust him. However, given your apprehension about his past, I think its best to just sit on this one for a while and see how things shake out. You shouldn't marry unless you are absolutely clear about him and how much you trust him. Marriage is forever. Its huge, so don't do it if you're not sure. I'm a huge believer in women's intuition. I think a lot of women train themselves to ignore their intuition because a lot of times it tells them things they don't want to hear. Listen to yours. Trust yourself.
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PEOPLE can change, but we're not talking about people, we're talking about a man. now, not all men are the same, but a vast majority of them have cheated/are planning to cheat. all men think about sex, thats a given. but that saying is true, especially when it comes to cheating or having a dirty past. if they cheated once, they'll cheat again, most likely. my boyfriend cheated on me once and now i watch him like a hawk to make damn sure it doesnt happen again. talk to him. ask him to prove to you that he won't cheat on you. when he asks how, just say that if he loves you like you think he does, he'll think of a way.
if you still have some doubts, it doesnt hurt to keep a close eye on his emails ;) if you find something in there that really disturbs you, call him out on it. if he gets angry for looking at his accounts, boohoo.
i'm not trying to scare you out of your relationship, but love can blind you. i'm just trying to keep you aware of things that can happen. now, he may actually have looked upon his past and thought "thats bullshit" and actually succeeded in changing his ways. there are some guys out there that can do that, but its a small percentage. like i said, talk to him, keep an eye on his email, and try to keep a communication level up with him as much as possible.
take care :)
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