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Boyfriend and Future Mother-in-law Financial Issues
I will be moving to another city with my boyfriend in a couple of months, and right now, he is constantly being manipulated by his mother for money. She will say things like "we can't pay our bills this month" or "we really need the money" but most of the times, she will take the money from his account without any acknowledgment at all. He works full time, and 75% of his paycheck goes to her; he is still living at home.
He refuses to talk to her about it, and when I try to talk to him, he gets upset and says that no matter what, she's his mom, and when she asks him for something, he'll give her anything.
He needs to start saving money for when we'll be living on our own, but no matter what I try to do, he will give all the money to his mom.
We know that she has a gambling problem; she also treats him unfairly. He has three other siblings, and they are given generous birthday presents, while my boyfriend has not received acknowledgment of his birthday for the past 3 years. Also, he is given almost no Christmas presents, while his siblings, again, are give generous gifts.
I know that he is being treated unfairly, and he knows it, but will not do anything about it.
What should I do?!
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
I agree with Karenr and Dearcandore do not move in with this guy until he can say no to his mother.
What I find hard to understand is he knows he is treated unfairly by his mother in respect to how she treats his siblings. Yet he continues to supplement or be her source of income. Why he feel he has be this way will be something that if left unresolved will always come between the two of you and you will end up supporting his mother as well.
I have a couple of suggestions as to how to help him. First close out his current bank account(s) and move them to another bank. If your boyfriend will allow, only you and he should have access to these account(s). His paycheck should be direct deposited to his primary checking account. You pay his bills and give him an allowance. (My mother in-law did this for my father in-law and they were married for over 50 years.) He still has access to his money and he can still give money to his mother but it stops his mother from accessing his account on her own. If you boyfriend fully allows you to control his finances his mother will have to come to you for financial assistance. You can cut the ties cold turkey or you can wean her off by giving her some of what she asks for and telling her that she has to find another source as her son’s assistance is soon coming to an end.
Next you boyfriend need to see a psychologist to help him find out he feels is the reason he can’t break his financial support of his mother. Offer to go with him. I believe it is a good idea that you go with him as If you are taking care of his finances and ending his mothers support there is going to be some turmoil ahead for the two of you that the psychologist can help you with.
Your boyfriend has to break his mother’s financial ties to him if the two of you are to succeed as a couple. What I have suggested is the only suggestion I could think of, you may find or have others. The one thing I am certain of is that unless and until your boyfriend is willing to break from his mothers’ dependence on him you should not move in with him.
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I agree with dearcandore. Do not under any circumstances move in with this guy until he talks to and can say NO to his mother. If he doesn't do it now, he will not do it later, no matter what he may be telling you. If you move in together, you will foot the bills while he continues to give his money to mommy.
Instead of arguing with him or getting upset you need to have a talk. During this talk, do not listen to excuses etc. Have your say first. Make it VERY CLEAR to him that you will not move in with him until he can keep the majority of his money for himself. Not until mom is taken off his bank accounts and no longer has access to his money. Not until he can grow up and act like a man.
After that just stand back and see what happens. Be prepared for him to do nothing to change things. You need to set a time limit in your head for how long you will continue to put up with it.
I hope it works out in your favor, if it doesn't though don't spend years waiting. Sooner or later it will destroy the relationship.
Before you take that step to move in with him, know the situation has changed. Don't just take his word for it.
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You need to put off moving in with your boyfriend until this is resolved. This is SERIOUS. DO NOT move in with him unless you want to be paying all the bills all the time. Why would things be any different just because he lives in a new place? His mother has access to his account?! I'm sorry, that's not normal, healthy or advisable. Your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with his mother that has nothing to do with you. You can't change it. The only thing you can do is keep it from hurting you too deeply, and you can only do that by not getting yourself tangled up financially with this guy. I'm sure you love him, but if you make this move now you will almost surely regret it in the not so distant future. He's not helping his mom. Your boyfriend is letting his own feelings of guilt and his desire to please his mom run his life, and his finances. Look, he basically told you he'll give his mom ANYTHING. Picture yourselves depending on each other financially soon, for rent and bills, and you need new tires on your car and his mother needs $1000 for the casino. Who is he going to help first? He's already given you the answer. You're heading for a rough time. I know its hard to give up plans when you've been looking forward to something, but he's giving you red flags everywhere. If you move forward with this plan to live together you are setting yourself up for stress and heartbreak. As for what to do in the meantime, all you can do is be a good friend to him if he needs someone. His situation will never change until he wants it to, and no amount of talking or nagging from a loving girlfriend will change that.
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