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Hurting while the world goes round.
I drive all the way to see my girlfriend for lunch and when I get there, she is pissed off that I was late and she waited on me 5-10 minutes longer than she expected. We didn't have much time together but I thought it meant a lot for me to get ready and get up. I'm so depressed I don't want to get up but I did and drove all the way over to her school so we can see eachother for 10-20 minutes. When I get there she goes off at me. Why do I even bother with her. She takes eveything for granted and can't even wait for ten more minutes. I left the house right away after I called to tell her I wanted to see her. I got stuck at a few lights and I guess that's why it took a little more time. The second she sat in my car she was bitter and not for a second she thought to enjoy the time we had together. She pouted and kept on yelling at me for being late. "Why didn't you leave your house earlier?" -I had to call her first and that took about five minutes. I made her wait before.. well she didn't check her phone to see that I couldn't come that day. I can't even recall a time when she hurried over to see me at a place other than home because I don't work or go to school. When I did work, she never came to see me. Why is the ball always in my court to give a favor and when I screw up the favor, it going totally unappreciated. Why the hell do I even get up for this girl. I did all of this for her. I got upset and started bursting into tears when I was with her and she tells me to not ever come to see her for lunch anymore. More than anything, I just want to hurt her back but I'm not going to because that's the wrong thing to do. After I dropped her off, I came home still in fits of tears and I continued for about half an hour to an hour. She triggered all these other emotions bottled up inside me. Today is the scavenger hunt for the seniors and I'm not going because I haven't had contact with the few friends I do have and my girlfriend can't make it because she has to work. She knew I was looking forward to this event since last year when the 2009 class did it. It's almost time for graduation and I'm not making any memories or partaking in any activities for the seniors. I was upset about this and she still had the nerve to make the worst of our time because I WAS LATE. I'm also upset that my parents don't comfort me when I need comforting. They're just there and good for conversation, food, supplies such as gas and shampoo, and giving me a roof over my head. I appeciate all the above but when it comes to being there for me, that's where they lack support. When I am depressed and need comfort or help, there isn't anything coming. I don't have the friends or the family for that. My family doesn't know how to deal with me so they send me to a therapist instead of trying to reach out when they see me storming with tears. They just keep to theirselves and watch me cry, probably thinking that she'll get over it or it's not real emotion. I have symptons of borderline personality disorder and sometimes I feel that my mom thinks that's why I am so upset and that I have this problem. she doesn't even bother to think that she may be the problem, too. She's also always nagging me for things I haven't done such as getting a job or finishing a soda before opening another one. I tell her I over-looked it in the refrigerator and she goes off on me and when I try to defend my side she assumes what I feel is wrong and always is wrong. She labels me as a daughter(maybe not even that- I'm adopted) who is a no-gooder and whose opinions are wrong because they don't add up the way she sees it. If I make one mistake, to her it's a million. I do make a lot of mistakes but she never accepts my apology. it means nothing to her. What's so messed up is that I don't ever know I make a mistake until I see that someone's not happy. When I make decisions, I try to consider everything and everyone but there's always something I miss. With small decisions such as finishing a soda, analyzing how I may screw this up doesn't come to mind. I just do it and before I realize it myself, I screwed up. Right now I just want to leave town or go to a club and drown away my pain with alcohal. I'm not old enough for that and I don't have even a dime to spend. I just want to get away from my life. Maybe I will and come back for graduation. I'm 18 now. Why not? Well if I leave, my parents will most likely call the police to alert them of a runaway. I'm already on probation, any more trouble would put me in jail. And I can't attempt suicide because it will most likely prevent any chances in the military and I need them to pay for my education or I will be 40,000+ in debt when I am out of school. I don't want to struggle in college with keeping a 4.0 average and also working to pay for it. Sometimes I just want to throw away all my morals like I have been doing since junior year to have a better life but I think last night I woke up and realized that I'm not being true to myself and I am hurting myself even more. I wish I could have shortcuts and a good life without partaking in activity that is untrue to who I am. I just find myself in pain and stress everyday when I go to sleep and when I wake up. Only in my dreams, I can see myself and see that I am unhappy. During the day, I go along with my day having fun and with a positive attitude. The days just keep coming and going. Eventually I'll die and will have accomplished nothing but having a dreadful life while everyone thinks that I lived happily or for the most part. Not many people know me very well anyway and I mean nothing to them or I will just mean little significance because they never saw me from the inside, they're just an observer who judges me inadequately and I live with a label that doesn't suit me and when I go out into the world and I look at people who I see look back at me with this label and I feel like I don't exist.
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I dont really know how to help that much...the two things i would sigest would be to talk to your girlfriend about her behavior and how it makes you feel. if she doesnt listen, then dump her. Also, talk to your parent about whats going on. this is really all i can say...
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