|
humorist-workshop
facebook offical
Before I even begin to ask for advice on this subject I already feel childish...
I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now, and he adamantly desires that we not be facebook official. We are in our late twenties, and he is in the military and just deployed for a year. He brought it up a day or so after we started dating because he didnt want "people to be in my business". I was taken aback by the topic, but tried to be understanding, he told me that it was hard when he got divorced after an unfaithful wife and then having to answer all the "oh! what happened?!"s to people online. I really am trying to get his perspective, but I really cant see his point of view.
I havent met any of his friends, they keep mysteriously not showing up to things. I'm really feeling like he wants to hide me from everyone, and I think about it so often that I feel like there is something that I am lacking to make him proud to be with me. I have brought this up a couple times and have shown him that I am visibly upset. I dont know if it is the distance and the war getting to me and making make a bigger deal of this, but I cant let it go.
The whole privacy issue with him is becoming moot since he posts what he is doing throughout the day. but never one mention of me, not one picture of us, nothing.
Could I be wrestling with this too much, could he actually have a valid claim?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
He has a completely valid claim. Even if his reasons were no good (and I can completely understand his reasoning) he gets to decide how he uses social media and what he is comfortable revealing. Period. End of story. You can complain. You can break up over it. But in the end, he gets to decide what he posts, not you.
However, you have still have problem, a big serious problem you need to deal with, but Facebook is just a tiny little symptom of it.
You do need to talk about your feelings of being hidden from his friends. You need to able to ask about the tensions in his group of friends, and respect that divorce really fucks up your friendships, no matter who is 'at fault', no matter how firmly they are 'on his side'. You need him to be able ask him what his fears are, and for a timeline you can fairly expect to be incorporated more into his life.
Forget about Facebook. You are right: It IS childish, and it's not the problem. The problem is that he is navigating issues in his life without your input, and more importantly, without making you aware of what the issues ARE. Backing off this pointless little sticking point might help you to actually get around to having conversations you need to be having about how he is dealing with his friends, and what your role can be in his social life, and when.
Ask more questions and do more listening to what is going on his friendships. Ask what they are up too. How they are doing. What he's talked about with them. Blindly insisting on your place within his friends, without understanding what is going on, in his head, and what he is worried about in their heads, is not going to help either of you.
You are long distancing now, and focusing your frustration and insecurities on a silly issue. It makes sense: It makes sense that is scares you that he is protecting himself against a public facebook break up! However, you also need to respect his right to do that, and seek reassurance that he is invested in the relationship in other ways. Take a deep breath. Think about the real problem you are facing in the real world, not online, and talk to him about it in a calm way.
]
More Questions: |