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Molested as a child, and just realized it
I was molested when I was between 6-8 years old. It's funny in a sick way because I can't even remember how old I actually way, I can't remember the names of the two boys, I can hardly even remember the sex. I remember the fear so vividly that my heart's racing as Im'm typing this. It's also funny because a decade passed where I didn't feel anything about what happened. I never cried about it, talked about it, I barely entertained the thought of it, not because it was painful but because it was like an errant thought. It was like losing your tooth, just a part of life. I actually feel immensely stupid now when I think of all the effects of that incident that I never recognized to have been caused by that. Until a couple days ago, I never even associated the word 'molested,' with what happened. It was just a thing. Recently, this scrawny, awkward, pathetic boy decided to 'stalk,' me. I could've broken him in two if I wanted, but he scared the life out of me and I didn't understand why. The next day I found myself on the bathroom floor crying like I'd never thought I would over something that seemed so unimportant. I wanted to cut myself and I wanted to bleed and feel pain like I'd never felt it before- that was the first time in months I ever got the urge to cut. I wanted every vice I could lay my hands on to drown myself in the ridiculious nature of my problems. I never realized that my molestation was the reason I'd be afraid of a room of men, or that I was afraid when my boyfriend (at the time) tried to hold on to me or kiss me aggresively, that I hated intimacy with people of any sort, that I hated any man who'd disrespect my body in any way. It's like someone telling you that you were asleep for 10 years and you've been woken up to a world u don't want to be in. I've been through hell and back...but molestation....can that, something I barely remember yet so vividly feel, could have really been controlling my life for so long? It hurts me in the pit of my stomach and at the back of my throat when I think about it, and now I have to deal with this thing that I've let control me for so long. I cud've dealt with it if it happened recently, but a decade ago..I don't know where to begin. I feel stupid and helpless and I don't even know what i'm trying to ask.
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Not an answer. I just wanted to say that I had the same epiphany you had . Strangely I also had the exact same experience you had (knowing but not realizing). This isnt a joke but I just really need help dealing with this situation right now. I just would want to know how you have dealt with this and if there have been any changes in your life since dealing with this such as less stress more trust in men, etc? It would be more than helpful if you helped
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well if you think that the man that you are trying to be with is aggresive, leave him alone, because he is going to remind you of molested, and i dont want to mean when i say the world can be full of idiots and you still have time to find a good guy thats going to help you forget about all those things......dont blame yourself because it is not yourself, you didnt know it
good luck, may god keep you
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You did one of the only things a small child could be expected to do. You "coped" with it by blocking it. And even though you are now suffering, and I in no way am down playing the intensity of your pain or it's justificiation, the coping your mind did was amazing. You functioned, somewhat difficultly, but nonetheless functioned for many years.
It's wonderful that you have had this epiphany regarding the origin of your anxiety and fears. This will save you lots of upstart time in therapy. Please seek the help of a counselor or trusted medical professional, or call the rape crisis line to get a referral. You might even want to google for a support group online if you cannot access one locally or afford counseling.
In the end, when all is said and done, you will need counseling to move forward. Take your time, be patient with the process, it took a long time to recall the event, it will take awhile to decipher it's affect on your life and how you can use this new information about yourself to better equip you for future, positive relationships both casual and intimate.
Please feel free to contact me anytime if you just want to talk, LPDearSusie@gmail.com.
Good luck, and remember, this is the first step to happy things... an awakening, if you will. Keep it as positive a process as possible, THIS part you can try to control and have an impact on.
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I think that you should go and talk to someone about your feelings, this is a very tramatic situation. Yes, something that you don't THINK you remember well can very much control your life. When you're body or mind goes through a tramatic physical or emotional trama it will often times repress the memories to protect itself from relieving the pain again. But subconsciously you remember everything that you felt, although you don't realize it.
You can either go to a counselor or therapist, or even just go to someone that you really trust, maybe you just need someone to listen without judgement. I think that a counselor may be a your best bet because you really seem like you are struggling with this emotionally and because it IS effecting your life so much. You should not feel ashamed of any of your feelings, you just need to sort through them, accept them, acknowledge them, and then move on. Also since you don't know how to begin sorting through your feelings a counselor would be able to help you figure out everything that you are feeling and how you can overcome those feelings.
I am truly sorry that this happened to you, but I hope that you learn from it and that it can empower you and maybe you can reach out to others and help them.
Hope I Helped :)
PS. If you have any other questions, or just want to talk you can email me at bacardii_caddy@yahoo.com.
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