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In love with my (taken) guy friend...
Hi,
I'm a 23 year old female and I met my (then) best friend in college a few years back. Right off the bat, we became super close friends. We hung out all the time, talked on the phone almost every night, and not to mention saw each other in class almost everyday. After a few months, we started becoming flirty with each other -- staring, tickling, hugging, jokes, etc. I tried not to do it so much because I knew he had a girlfriend but I still couldn't help feeling the way I did. About 6 months into our friendship, he confessed that he liked me and wanted to date me. I resisted at first because I knew he was in a relationship but he insisted that it was over and he wanted to start over with me. I ended up confessing too and agreed to go out with him. We decided to hang out at his place a few nights later and I ended up drinking too much. The next thing I know, we're making out like mad but didn't have sex. The next day, he calls me and tells me that he's back with his girlfriend and that I didn't do anything wrong, but wouldn't explain why he got back with her so quickly after being with me the previous night. I became angry and embarrassed and felt completely heartbroken. After that, our friendship completely changed. He still called me, but I ignored his calls and made excuses not to hang out with him anymore. I became mean with him and tried to pretend like he didn't exist, to try and push him away, even though we still saw each other almost everyday. As time went by, he started ignoring me too and all communication ceased. But a few months ago, we started talking again and little by little, our friendship seemed to come back to life somewhat. We don't call each other often anymore, but we do talk alot more at school and whenever we see each other around town. While this makes me happy (I have missed his friendship horribly), the confusion is returning because he has become flirty again and makes suggestions about us hooking up. He is still with his girlfriend and living with her. She knows nothing about this. I believe that I am in love with him, and I believe that he still likes me, but I do not want to be used or destroy a relationship. I actually like his girlfriend, but my feelings for him are always tempting me. I have never felt this way before and I am tired of it, because it is nothing but a struggle for me. Should I get him out of my life completely? Or just ignore his flirting and try to continue to be friends like before? Being around him makes me happy, but the constant sadness is making me miserable. Please help me.
Brokenhearted
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Hey there,
I know how that feels, and it feels really bad, and the situation really sucks.
At the start of your problem while reading it, i first thought of him that he loves you, but can't be with you cause somehow he feels committed to his girlfriend and to his life with her and its as if its too complicated for him to break up with her for good, for whatever reasons they may have.
And about what happened between you too could be feelings he had for you all along, and when he finally broke up with his girlfriend, he felt that he can finally freely let them out and share them with you, and he did.
But then along the rest of the problem, i thought differently, that he's just playing around, fooling around, having fun, that he doesn't really love you, in the meaning of being with you as a lover. He does love you as a friend, and you get along really well and share alot, but not as a lover, it sounds more like he wanted to experience the feeling of being with you, and he experienced it that day, and then the other day, he was back again with his girlfriend, which makes me feel like he never even broke up with her, but he just told you that, cause that was the only thing that would make you agree. And its not that he didn't enjoy making out with you or having that feeling of being with you and sharing your company as a lover, but its just not the way he feels about you. He does like you so much, but as a friend. And usually in life, the person we most get along with and share everything with is not the person who we end up with in a relationship or choose to be with.
Don't lead him on! You were doing fine ignoring him, why did you go back to talking to him? And a more reason that proves that he's just playing around, is that he's back doing the same thing after what happened, and after how he hurt you, and this time, when you know that he's with his girlfriend. So here is the thing, you either make it clear to him that you do not want to continue with this flirting and things, and that you are just interested in being friends, and that nothing more can happen between you because he has a girlfriend. And because between you and yourself, how can you trust him again after what he did last time. I mean, if he left you once, can't he do it again? ofcourse he can.
Second option is to just limit your friendship and contact with him ,and move on, and just talk to him diplomatically from a distance, and try to ignore him as much as you can like you use to. And i choose that option cause its better for you, because even if you remain just friends with him, there will always be this tension, or this complication, and feelings for him, and that will hurt you and make you struggle, seeing him with someone else and not being able to do anything about it.
You can't love him or be with him, its a fact, and sadly there is nothing that you can do about it, you can't change that, but you can just accept it and you can also find someone else, cause there are so many guys out there who would wish to be with you, and would belong to you, cause he doesn't belong to you, he belongs to her, to his girlfriend, so don't hurt yourself or make yourself miserable, you don't need him or her or whoever, you can have your own relationship and someone who really loves you.
Hope i helped, if you need to talk more or if you need anything else, please be free to contact me. Best of luck.
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This is a clear example of somebody enjoying keeping you in the "back pocket". It makes him feel more confident, and keeps you hanging on.
I would make a clean break, put this one in your memory book highlighting the friendship and the good times, and learn a valuable lesson from this that guys and girls CAN be friends, but the chances it will become more, even by accident, are monumental.
That being said, I have always found friendships with guys to be easier than with girls, there are no little girl "head games", guys are straight with you on just about everything, not a lot of pointless manipulation. So, don't BEWARE, just protect your heart better. :)
Good Luck, please rate!
Susie
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This is sad. I think this guy is playing games with you. I think he's the type that likes having a stable relationship but also feels safe with options on the side, just in case his relationship doesn't work out. Just step back and really think about this... if he cared for you the way you care for him, would he be with someone else? Would you? I think you've already answered this for yourself. You know this isn't healthy. As much as it will hurt you, the right thing for all involved, especially you, is to back off. You an still remain friendly in class and when you see him around, but don't bother calling or texting this guy, or hanging out. He's trouble. He may make you feel happy for a few minutes, but then you're miserable for days. That's not the sign of a good relationship. Back off of this one. You're wasting your time. Your feelings won't go away right away, but if you stay strong they will eventually disappear, and then maybe you can be open to finding a guy who truly cares for you and you only and wants nothing more than to see you happy. Good Luck!
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