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I'm a woman. Sexually, I prefer men. I'm 24;I just finished my bachelor's degree and began my career. The problem is that I'm madly in love (for about four years now) with an old professor (and literally old--30 years older to be exact) of mine and I live in an extremely small town. Well, I never wanted to jeopardize either of our careers, so I never told him or anyone else during college. A few months after I graduated I called him (at his home--to keep it personal) to ask him out for dinner (but I never literally said that it would be a date and he dines and meets with students (on a platonic level) fairly often). Well, he said that was a tough question for him and that it was probably a better idea to keep things "business". I was a little taken aback because I never said it would be a date and I didn't think I had ever been forward with him. I have always tried to respect his space and his intentions and feelings. (The strangest thing of all is that we have shared several meals together, both with others and some alone together.) So, I apologized for creating an awkward situation and ended the call. Since then, one of my friends (an old student) and an old female professor (his close colleague and a past research partner of mine) have both stated that he told them about the phone call and seemed to boast the fact that he was "flattered". Also, he has made some efforts to try to communicate with me (whether it be in person (once) or through others (often)) to try to tell me that everything is ok and I don't have to feel awkward around him. The strange thing is that when I tell some of my friends the more intricate details of this story (and also try to dissect his words and actions to see if he is really being truthful with such statements), they all seem to wonder if the feelings are actually mutual (in other words, may the love be shared?). You see, this man has never been married or had children, and he has always been vehemently opposed to marriage and relationships (because he mainly finds them draining and emotionally painful). He has boasted about the joys of being a single man without a partner to "tell him what to do," yet on the other hand, he has expressed pain regarding his loneliness, referring to himself as "damaged goods" and telling me and a few others that failed relationships were a result of his inability to compromise, fear, etc. It is probably not surprising to you that others find his behavior incomprehensible and somewhat kooky.
I'm not sure if I really have a question or not. I just need a second opinion. All of my close friends are also either a friend or student of his, or an acquaintance of his. This town is so small and I often wonder if I am being mocked when asked about my feelings by others. I don't think they understand how someone so young could love someone so much older, but that is the least of my concerns here (as I have dated older men before and am quite open to anyone as long as a strong connection is present). And that is just the thing about all of this--this is not some simple connection. No one has ever demanded so much of my attention (in my own mind that is). I can't get my mind off of him. Perhaps I am obsessed. Perhaps I'm crazy. Perhaps I really am just the town nutso. I don't think so though, and many claim to agree that it is normal.
What do you think about all of this? Am I a weirdo? Should I give up? Or is he the crazy one?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Being attracted to an older man is, by far, strange. My husband is a good 16 years older than me and we have a terrific, healthy relationship. Many people give us strange looks but the key is the ability to make it work and to push through all of the nonsense that comes with such an age difference. Being attracted to a wiser, older man is far from being part of bad judgement.
At this point it seems that the man may have feelings for you as well but neither of us can say that in certainty. We both know that he has expressed such emotions that lead in that direction but has not specifically said you were attractive in any state for him.
That being said, you must find out if you wish to persue anything more than a friendship.
Calling someone to ask them out to lunch or dinner does not have to be a romantic evening. Call him, again, and ask to go out for a friendly evening at a local resturaunt. Let him know that his company is enjoyed and that is the reason you are calling. If you must, specifically state that there are no romantic attachments with this outing.
Have a nice dinner with the man. See about scheduling another one sometime. Talk about all of the things you two enjoy discussing during the dinner and then leave it with your question. Ask him if he might have any further interest in you.
There might be a very good reason why the man has never been married. There really might be something "damaged" about him that he has not disclosed to you. He may feel he is incapable of love, which would cause great problems in building a romantic relationship with him.
If you do not ask he probably will not tell. If he enjoys boasting about you calling him and asking about dinner then he is probably interested or feels that other people would envy him. It's highly doubtful he is making a mockery of the situation or you. It's highly doubtful he will just come out and say he is interested in you though.
So, give it another shot and pick up the phone. Keep things friendly and away from romance until the time is right at the end of the evening. Ensure he has your phone number (refresh his memory if he has forgotten without becoming irritated or disappointed) and consider calling him every so often to "just say hi!" if he seems accepting of that behavior.
If he says that he is disinterested in the idea of a romantic relationship between you two then you probably will want to leave the man alone from there (but leaving on friendly terms, of course). If your town is as small as you claim it to be then you persuing him may cause some ruckus within the community. Remember to be smart and don't push anything too far or too suddenly if he feels you two might be more compatible than previously mentioned.
Get to know him more personally during your talk(s) and try to understand his desire to be single. He may truly enjoy the single life or may be putting on a "show" for others so that they do not feel sorry for him. Keep in mind that there is a reason why his previous relationships failed before they got "too" serious and try to make some conclusions about that for your own personal good.
I don't see anything wrong with you trying to persue this at the moment, and it sounds as if he would enjoy that as well. The worst that can happen is that he says, "NO!" and that can, most definately, be dealt with at this point.
I hope things go well and he enjoys a nice dinner with you soon! :) If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me!
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