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closed off & alone
I've had a few serious relationships in my life. Each one left me completely heartbroken. I haven't had a relationship for a few years and I never let a guy close. There have been some really great guys that have tried to start a relationship with me, but I freak out and push them away. The thing is, it's not only guys. I don't like getting close to girls, or anybody for that matter. I've lost most of my friends throughout the years and any girl who tries to be my friend or tries to hang out with me, I make excuses or blow it off. I don't know why I close everyone off. My mom always tells me "If you close off the bad, you also close off all the good". Most of the time, I enjoy being alone and being independent, going to school and spending time with family. I'm just terrified of being alone forever. I'm miserable most of the time and it is definitely my own doing! How do I open up to people? I'm so scared of putting myself out there, but also scared of never having a boyfriend or a good friend to lean on. It's the worst feeling when I want to run to a boyfriend or a best friend, and there's nobody (besides family). Is there anyway I can overcome this and let people really see me and get to know me? (20/F)
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You've become very scared of rejection. It hurts, no kidding, but I think you should put yourself out there, and if you do, you have to slowly learn to trust people this time. Just get to know people first superficially. Don't get too close until you know they have your back for sure. It does take time to know how a person really is on the inside, so wait for situations that tell whether or not they are worth having around. Seriously, you do not need people in your life that make you feel miserable. With guys, go slow. Be their friend, but only that for now. With friends, don't reveal everything about yourself at the start or wait for them to start opening up to you. It's hard, but social interaction outside of one's family can do one a lot of good. Good luck.
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Well, I'm no expert in opening up myself but I can see you're upset about this. I just wanna let you feel a bit better.
I'm quite similar to you. 4 years ago, when I was still in Hong Kong, my mum told me that we're going to immigrant to Canada. Along with that fact, she told me she's getting divorced with my dad. A year later, after a number of arguing at the middle of the night which wake me, they finally divorced. A few more months later, my dad came to Canada before me and my mum. I graduated from elementary/primary school two and a half years ago. The separation with my friends is not very easy of course, I especially treasure a friend who I'm not close with but I have been thinking of her as someone similar to me(This is a habit I still keep, finding similarities between me and others and think of them secretly, I hope it's not a creepy habit). I drop one tear when I looked at our graduation photo and realized it is really the end, I can never see her again(the first time I've ever cried for someone). Well, I didn't keep in contact with her even though we're still "MSN friend". I went to a secondary school(for grade 7-12) where none of my old friends go to in September 2007. I felt weird at first because how some people greet so happily at the first day of school. Luckily, I already had two friends I met at orientation program(Briefly, I went to scondary school, meet some friends and enjoy for 2 years, and then I leave, to somewhere so far away from them. And my mum is thinking of moving again, I'm leaving my friends again, the friends I just met for 6 months). I hang out with them and we became less close a few months later(That is normal, I assume). After that, my habit continued. It's nothing much, I just noticed a few people I find interesting(about 4 girls and 2 boys). I only hang on to 3 girls and a boy that has a lot of Math achievement like I do(he's 1 year elder than me so I can't compete with him, I did win him once at a math contest~ :P). The most important point is, one of the girls I found interesting and I feel most towards is one of the two friends I hang out with at the beginning. So I regret that I didn't keep being friend with her. This continued for 2 years, that is, until now. I cried that day I left Hong Kong and came to Toronto, no one noticed, but I cried(like I always does for her, I was thinking "how much I wanna be your friend, but at the end, I am the one that leaves"). Forgot to mention, I started doubting I might be a lesbian 1 year ago(I guess anyone would be thinking 'bout that by this point). Now, I believe I'll know if I am one or not eventually. However, I have been very lonely since I arrived in Toronto. I have a few friends, about 5. None of them is too close to me(3 are closer, but still we only talk at school), and I find it hard to be in a group when we have group activity. Normally, people either ask me to join or I tell my teacher I don't have a group. I've never date anyone, and I don't want to, I'm too tired(talking to someone, thinking of ways to make that person happy, it's a lot of work). However, when I think of my future, I feel so sad. I know if I continue to cut myself out of the world, I would be a pathetic lonely woman. And that is not what I like, after all, I like to shine, to achieve and to prove my ability, to be envied(it is a part of my personality. I better not describe myself or this paragraph would be a LOT longer ^_^"). I am trying to improve this situation(this process is always difficult but I would try not to give up), I try to be nice to my friends and stay in the conversation when they're chatting(my mind fly away very easily, I like to think, even though I think too much).
Sorry, I guess I just need a place to write them out. I believe you being able to say it all out is already a big step. I believe it was very difficult for you, to be heartbroken again and again. My suggestion might be a bit strange, to think. You know you hate to be miserable, and you feel the instinct to resist and relationship, it's confusing, but which side do you prefer is nothing other would know. Sometimes, to be alone, rest for a while and get yourself together is good, but you need to wake up when it's time for you to continue in your life, and only you know when is the time.
I hope I helped~ :)
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I know that it can really hurt to have someone you love betray you or even just fade out of your life. When this has happened it is easy to become withdrawn simply as a defense mechanism. You don't want to be hurt. Again.
If you want to be able to open up, the first thing you need to do is understand that you will be hurt. Nobody is perfect. People will make mistakes, move away, and in the end, die. Opening your heart to someone, whether a friend or a boyfriend or even just a pet, means making yourself vulnerable.
Here is a favorite quote of mine from C.S. Lewis:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
So there is the choice we all must make. Love and be vulnerable or not love at all. Once you have accepted this you will be able to see your pain in a new light. It will make you a stronger, better person who will do her best not to cause that pain in the hearts of other people. Because you have experienced this pain, you can more easily connect and sympathise with others who are hurt as well. By sharing this pain with another you can both help the other to heal and start again.
So be couragous. Begin to allow other people in. Talk to someone who has tried to reach out to you. Go do something you both enjoy. Begin to build relationships a little at a time. Be compassionate, quick to laugh, and always ready to help someone who needs it. You will find yourself surrounded by people who love you and will be by your side when you are hurting. And if you ever need to talk, send me a message. Good luck with everything,
Katie
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