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abandonment issues, relationships, and fucking up
15/f
It's my first year of highschool and I’ve made many friends (mainly juniors). I've been asked out quite a few times which is, to be honest, a weird thing to experience considering I’ve spent the past nine years in a school being referred to as "the tranz" or "the ugly fuck". A little while ago, no more than a little over a month ago, I began going out "dating" my friend. He's a junior and it being that we both had just recovered or somewhat recovered from abusive relationships, well, we understood each other and could empathize completely with each other.
I'm adopted and for some reason when it comes to serious relationships or even just friendships, my abandonment issues tend to lose control and instead of being extremely clingy because I’ve become so attracted to them I do complete opposite and, for a short time, become extremely apathetic towards them . I don’t do this intentionally. It’s difficult to explain but, in short, I try my best to not show how much I depend on them and refrain from smothering them. (even though that’s actually how I feel inside) I do this because I’m afraid they’ll get freaked out and leave me. Almost every guy I’ve been remotely close with has abandoned me for either not getting with them or maybe disappointing them in some way which is natural I suppose but the way I see it is that if they really want to be with me or care about me, they’ll forgive me and stay with me. No guy has ever done that.
So I was dating my friend (like I said he’s a junior and literally has all the freshman and sophomores and even a few seniors on him) and was thrilled because we made each other so happy. But then I went through my stupid little apathy phase and I suppose he became disinterested and we stopped dating and came to the conclusion that we would better ourselves by just remaining very close friends. The feeling was mutual at the time. We dated for over a month and so during that time I actually began to really like him. I still like him and everyday tend to want to be with him more and more. (even if I don’t show it) Lately we’ve gotten closer, physically that is. We’ve held hand throughout a whole entire movie. He’s learned that I moan when I get bitten and so bites me and picks me up all the time. He bear hugs me and puts me so close to his face that my lips skip his cheeks.
A couple nights ago I told him I regret fucking up like I did and apologized for my strange behavior that took place prior to our break up and ask him if he would ever consider giving me another chance and/or if he would ever be interested in me again. His response:
“probably, but if I do I probably won’t act much on it” and “_____, we’ve already discussed this. We tried and it didn’t work out. We had an agreement remember?”
Before dating we agreed not to fuck up our friendship and to just try dating. If it didn’t work out we weren’t going to make a big deal over it. BUT another part of our agreement was that we would never do anything or would never intentionally hurt each other by misleading each other.
My question is: What am I supposed to do if every time we embrace I become closer to kissing him? What does he mean by saying he won’t act on his feelings if he ever wants to date again? He’s saying he won’t give me a second chance. Why, if he’s over it, would he suddenly be so touchy still when we agreed not to mislead each other like that? Is there possibly some way I can move past my abandonment issues? (I always have to wait and see if they’ll actually stay with me and not abandon me but unfortunately that all happened after and most likely the cause of our break up) What reasons could he possibly have to be unwilling to give me another chance?
For anyone who can lend me some advice, I greatly appreciate it and apologize for the lengthiness of this question. It’s difficult for me to articulate my problem in short terms.
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hay girl ok for one this was type long...lol but it cool cause im here to help you and from my understanding you are going through the same exact situation that I was in...and how I went about it was finding out what made me feel this
and how I can contorll it so what you need to do is find you reason why action switch up on you every time you get close to someone and learn to controll....so it best that you amd him stay until
handel what goiing on inside of you if care for him the way you do plus this can become a big effect to your personal life style in the future so yes you want to figure out the reason ASAP....before time start to make your every movement...and you be loving stray cats the rest of your life...lol joking....anyway hope everything work out
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First of all, I believe you when you talk of abandonment issues and I believe you that these issues are causing you to mess up with relationships in your life. And that is something that it would be good for you to work out with a counselor, before any more of your life goes by. You are in school. You can go to a counselor and it will be confidential and won't cost you any money. Now is a good time to take care of that....
About the relationship...it sounds as if things are progressing between the two of you. The things you mention (holding hands, bear hugs, bites, getting closer) are all signs of attraction (at least to me). I always say that actions speak much louder than words. And his actions right now sound like he likes you. Don't worry about trying to get the words out of him that you want him to say right now. I would go on with what you have. If it is meant to be, it will keep on building and pretty soon, things will be happening, no matter what words were said between the two of you. Attraction, chemistry and "like" are pretty hard things to ignore, if they are meant to be. Good luck.
Ellen
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