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What's the best way to deal with a narcissistic, lying, manipulative man

Question Posted Saturday October 31 2009, 5:28 pm

The person i'm talking about is the father of my two kids, wich are 4 and 6. Ever since i left him, in 2006 he started stalking me, coming on my third floor balcony to spy on me and calling many times a day.

Our relationship started with a lie, he said he couldn't have children, we both got checked out for std and tests came out clean so we dropped the condom. Next thing i know i'm pregnant! Then i catch genital herpes(the ONE thing std testers don't test for unless you ask for it), wich he accused me of giving to him...i had him come with me to his family doctor to check his medical file, and guess what..he had it for 10 years already!Unfair, he has only mild and few crisis, total opposite of me! That's why i left trust anymore.
Then there was the custody battle...we got shared custody judgement, then he moved back to his mother's place in another province. I let the kids go for a summer holliday and he didn't return them to me since(been 3 months). I have to go to court on the 6th or the 13th, not sure yet what to expect from him(probably lies and some more)...
I need help dealing with him in a way that wouldn't harm the children anymore, but i feel helpless as he is able to lie under oath but i am not!I feel weak, for exemple, last week i went to the bank, with check to change, it was not my bank and i only had 1 piece of id with me, i was so scared the teller would think i'm a fraud that i started sweating and turned red, as if i was guilty, even if it was my bank card, my health care card and my checks! I'm affraid the same thing might happen in court and i won't be credible....happened in the past. He fooled many different doctors that nothing was wrong with him until he finally admitted he developped a durg addiction, i had asked the judge to order a psychiatric evaluation because i thought he had severe depression....

In court i will get to talk first, wich is bad because you don't get to comment on what the other party will say....will i look paranoid if i try to cover in advance whatever he might say like, if he says sexual or physical abuse i'm willing to have them tested once and for all, if he says i am drugged, i will offer to be tested...etc...and i'm scared i won't think of what else he could say....i just want myself and the kids to have the peace we deserve!

Anybody been there that could give advice?

Oh yeah and he hit me once, in front of the children, after the separation and my youngest complained to me to having been hit with a fly swapper and a wooden spoon...i'm so far away i can't do anything and children's aid didn't see any marks on them when i sent them, but he refused to have them examined or interviewed alone with the lady.....i feel powerless and a failure because i can't protect my children from him and everything.

At one point there was a restraining order against him and he kept coming in my street all the time...right in front of my house and staring at my windows, the cops stopped arresting him because he had moved 4 blocks away from my place so it was also his neighbourhood....even if he could easily not walk by my place for running his errands....

I know there is a lot of questions here....thanks for your help.

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Michele answered Sunday November 1 2009, 12:30 pm:
OMG, you have a long hard life ahead of you. I was married to someone just like him. Luckily we did not have any children. Because I know if we did he'd still be haunting me. You have to stay stong, You can't let him know that you are scared or nervous or doubtful. You must always stand up to him. Do you have a lawyer? I hope so, even though a lawyer can only help so much. Getting the restraining order was a good thing, and keep that up. stuff like that. If he breaks the law, if he hits you, if he hits the kids, or if he violates a restraining order, then you should call. If you can get a restraining order, then do so. The thing you did about going to the doctors office with him to prove that he was the one with Herpes and he gave it to you....that was good. That is the kind of thing that he doesn't like. It was good that you showed him you are not going to put up with his bullsh#t. You say that you both have joint custody, that means shared, but he took the kids to his mothers and hasn't returned them. He violated YOUR rights and those of the kids. You didn't violate his. He is in the wrong here and I think the court will see that. You must remain calm. Realize that this is the only way you will get the kids back. Know that you are in the right. OWN IT. OWN the feeling of being right so you can stand up for yourself and not be nervous. You have to win for the sake of your kids. You have little choice. Can you imagine how they will grow up if they don't have you as a major infludence in your life. YOu'll have to work very hard to overcome the damage that he could do to their emotional health. Just keep the future in mind. Some day they will be old enough to decide who they want to be with. If you give up and let him raise them, yes they are going to grow up hating him and not wanting to see him, but they will never understand why you abandonded them. They will never understand how hard it was for you. That they will never understand until they are in the same situation, and you wouldn't wish that on them. They need to see you fight off this jerk, and realize that it is not OK to act like a jerk. People should not get away with this type of behavior. This is America, not Afganistan. Where if you lived there and he were your husband, he could have you stoned to death. So fight for your rights and the rights of your children.
Some day he will find someone else to occupy his time and he will leave you alone. DOn't waste time and energy trying to change him or show him the error of his ways. He will NEVER listen, NEVER change. You'd be wasting your time. You may not be able to completed remove the children from his company but you CAN and WILL be able to lessen the psychological impact he could have no their minds and emotions by being strong, and pointing out to them when he is acting like a jerk. Don't bad mouth him every chance you get to the kids, even though he will sure be doing that to you. Be Patient. it will pay off in the end.
Hang in there.
Good luck to you

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