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Making and keeping friends as an adult
My mother never really had friends when I was a kid. She just focused on guys and ended up being married 4 times. Now than I'm an adult and married I feel like I'm headed the same way because it seems like I cannot create any sort of friendship with anyone other than my husband.
I feel like I'm behind. Most of the people I know can easily mingle with each other, or have life-long friendships they are involved in. I don't even know how to go about turning an acquaintance into a friend, or what normal friend behavior is considered to be. Can someone give me some advice? I really want to make friends...and have lasting friendships, too!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Once you have doen the things that "Orphans" said I think it would be a smart idea to try to keep up with the acquantices you enjoyed. Keeping in touch is the best way to keep a friendship.
You have to remember that if you act like a great friend, then they will want to be a great friend in return. So that would include calling them up and asking them how things are going, inviting them to other events or even to your home, and helping them when they need it.
Of course notice how they act towards your attension. If they return favors, ask for advice, invite you to other things, then you are on your way to becoming good friends. It's just that everyone you meet won't become your best friends, so if you feel like you and someone won't get any closer then you don't need to put in as much effort.
This will take some times I have had some friends that i knew for 3 years and then i finally became close to them and now i can't imagine why it took us so long to click. So be patient.
And don't forget to smile and be open minded.
Best of luck!
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This is a really great question.
My mom, like yours, didn't have any girlfriends when we were growing up - she focused on her family - six children was full time day and night. Today she is 80 and she emails with a couple of her old friends from high school.
My parents used to say if you have one true friend in your life, you have found a treasure. Lots of people have "lots" of friends. But to have a true friend - someone who'd go to the wall for you; defend you if something happened; someone you'd trust with your children if something happened to you...that kind of friend...someone who never lies to you; who is not jealous of you or vice versa; that is different...and that is someone who develops from many life experiences - some people find their "best" friend in their spouse.
So let's focus on the "lots" of friends category. These are lighter, social acquaintances based on common social denominators and interests. There are numerous ways to get these friends groups started - volunteer for something that interests you (you'll meet like-minded people); if you're athletic, sign up for the park district bowling or softball team for instance; if you have children, start a Moms group with the class moms; volunteer for a political campaign in your community; your neighborhood could be a place to start - send an invite for coffee to some of the ladies around you; ask how to get in one of the existing groups bunko groups; ...in short...take the initiative to invite people to join you - many others feel the same way you do (left out). My favorite girlfriend from my old neighborhood was just like that - not included in the stuff (I worked and didn't care about the neighborhood stuff) but we used to chat while getting our mail and one day she asked me to join her in running a charity auction. We became very good friends after that.
Look in the local paper for free events going on and ask an acquaintance to join you. "I don't know if you'd have any interest in this, but I saw our town is hosting a big farm stand this weekend, want to go?" - "There's an open house garden tour, want to go?" Or, "do you have any interest in seeing the new Gerard Butler movie?" Or, "Do you want to try out the new restaurant?" etc etc...
I hope this helps give you ideas to get started on getting friends-groups going. As for normal friend behavior, ask yourself, what do you want in a friend? You want a person to talk to who will listen and share similar views. Be yourself. Be a good listener. The more things you share in common the better. The less things you share, the more this person will be in the "circle" of friends but not a close friend.
Every group has leaders and those leaders are often the ones who follow up and do the inviting to social events. Be the leader and invite whomever you want to the social things you want to do.
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