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I'm outside the family loop.
I'm a single 52 year old woman from Houston. I am not included in any family doings. I don't get high or drunk and I'm a pretty nice lady. One of the problems is that my sister has a terrible life and marriage. Her husband is a drug user, herself a border alcoholic. All 3 of her young adult children are a mess. I love them and have tried many times to help them. I love them no matter what. I am a very stable person. I've lived in the same place 20 years, pay my bills on time, you know just a blissfully normal life not counting my diabetic coma and cancer. But I am on the mend. I am never invited to anything, especially when she is involved. She was always jealous of me as a kid. She whined to our mother about all sorts of stuff. She was into bad stuff, I was a nerd. I don't envy anybody. I'm just stable. She has my brothers wrapped around her finger. "Feel sorry for me" is the attitude she gives anybody and actually rolls her eyes behind peoples backs, even her own children, when they talk about their lives or problems. I want to be with the family but because I am easy to deal with, my brothers give into her and know that I will understand, and I do, but I'm tired of being alone on all the holidays, especially when I haven't been too well. If I was well enough I would just go volunteer at a mission at Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'm just tired of being alone especially for the holidays...what should I do, if anything? Thank you.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Hi, first, why aren't you offering to host rather than always wait to be invited? Do you do your share? Might it be as simple as their resentment that you don't? This coming holiday, after you consider the advice below, make sure you offer to host or do all the work at the most convenient location for others. Throw a wildly wonderful holiday and don't let anyone else do any work. If you are due to host, you are overdue to pay for it all.
Now for that issue with your sister. This must be fixed. You are not going to like my answer but it is the best advice you will get if you are serious about getting back with your family.
I admire that you've survived cancer and am sorry that you have had serious health issues. I wish you the very best of health in the future. As we get older we appreciate the value of our family more and need love around us.
Clearly you don't like or respect your sister and you blame her 100% for the family situation you are in. You judge her, her spouse, her children, her life choices, and you see her as nothing but a manipulator. If I were her, I wouldn't want to see you either. Sorry but let's be honest.
If that's obvious to me it's obvious to everyone in the family for sure.
Because you feel she was jealous of you decades ago, you must feel that is relevant. That is not the case. Maybe you see yourself as better than her (all your life) and she's sick of the attitude.
Your dislike for your sister (and her role too) has harmed everyone in the family and they had to make a choice of who to include. Short of an intervention, take their actions as a wake up call that you are not as "easy to deal with" as you think you are.
You are not being honest with yourself that you have had no role in your situation - it always takes two.
The good news is human families are programmed to be a pack. They want the whole family there but not at the risk of ruining a holiday or feeling that they are being judged and insulted.
They miss you and want you to be there even if it doesn't feel that way. Let that be your guiding light.
My advice: Unless you change your attitude, you are not ready to be back with your family. I'm sorry but you are not blissful. It's obvious. My fear for you is that you won't change your very changeable attitude to make yourself happy. You need to strive for inner peace by gaining external peace too.
It starts by letting go of your superior attitude.
Time for you to eat a lot of crow. You need to lighten up - stop taking yourself so seriously! You need to call your sister and meet for coffee (your treat). You need to check the negative attitude at the door. You need to tell her that you have a problem. You need to tell her that you have been terrible in your judging of her and her family for a long time. You need to apologize. Yes, you have a role in this whether or not you can admit it. YOu aren't revealing anything that they all don't already know or suspect. You need to sincerely suck up. Then, and only after she is accepting, you say goodbye and don't ask her for anything. If you do the apology will be insincere and taken as the reason for the meeting. (she didn't mean she was sorry, she just wants to come to thanksgiving) The apology must be sincere and isolated from anything else.
In this conversation, you will have to fight every instinct in your body to blame her for anything or explain "your" side. No one cares. If you find yourself starting a sentence with "You...(followed by what she did wrong)" then shut up. Change it to "I" followed by what you could have done to be a better sister. You will have to be truly different inside and truly want to make peace.
If you offer up your negative self and cleanse it from your body, you will be happier.
If you were the headmaster at a charm school, your behavior could not be more idolized. That is the goal. True charm, manners, and sincere love for your family no matter what their issues - along with humility of self - this is the attitude at the coffee meeting and at every function with family for the rest of your life.
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ohhhh thats very sad of her!does she not know about your illness?she soudns very selfish im sorry to say.you shouldnt wait to be invited theyr family just invite yourself along and turn up.call them up and just sooo whatr we doing these holidays and say great c u there!just ignore your sister shell never change. this is the time to be around your family so make it happen.also why dont you invite them to you?it might be good to put on the BBQ and invite them along. another thing you could do is go visit your sister and talk to her tell her that your unwell and dont want to have conflict between you two. tell her that you want to be around her and want to do things with her wether she wants to or not. ask her to just try to want to be with you. ofcourse you understand but how long are you going to let them push you around for?its not good for your health either.stand up for yourself once in awhile and tell her to stop.you dont mean any harm all you want is to spend sometime with your family..i hope i helped
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