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cutting.
Basically, when I was in fifth grade I began self mutilation. It's been on and off ever since then. I'm a sophmore now. When I was in sixth grade I was at my worst, I cut every day. I cut over everything, anything that somewhat upset me. Eventually one of my friends found out, told everyone and someone went to my school guidance office and they then called my parents and what not. My parents would try, they truly would. They put me in counseling but I just could not open up to them because I truly have no trust in those people.
In seventh grade, I barely ever cut. I think I did maybe about, 5 times at most. In the summer going into eighth grade I cut myself one time. During the school year I didn't cut a single time, but I did however get involved with smoking weed. Only on occasion however. Once or twice, not too bad I guess. During January of this year (2008) I was sent to the hospital for OD'ing. Suicide has always been in the picture, since the beginning of cutting.. I have had numerous attempts at suicide. But for the first time, my parents actually took notice and I spent the night in the hospital.
In ninth grade, I attempted to OD I believe twice, but I didn't let anyone know. I just wanted out. I'm no longer suicidal, in fact death scares the shit out of me. But I have begun cutting again.
I don't want to get help from strangers, my parents, friends or family. I want to get better myself because each time I would receive help from someone else, it did nothing. That last time I cut myself before I fell back into the habit was the summer of eighth grade, going into ninth. The last time cutting since I've fallen back in, less than an hour ago.
I can't help it, I truly don't know what to do. I need to stop, and I recognize that. Self mutilation doesn't solve anything, it makes things harder. I know the first step is to admit, blah blah blah. But that's not true. I need to stop, and I need to now. But I can guarantee if I don't get some sort of ways to not do it, it's going to keep happening.
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I admire you so much. Some people don't know when the need to stop and when they do it's to late. Doing it alone is kinda hard. I know from some of my expierinces. So what I did was wrote to myself in my journal whenever I felt it was neccasery. Not every day cause that was lame haha but after I wrote it I tore it up so that I didn't have to remmber it again.
Lillian
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I have a few friends who cut. They've shown me, but it's like they don't want help. they just want to stop, I know that you think "oh, i got myself into this situation, im going to be the only person who gets me out." but everyone needs help sometime. yuh know ? if you've tried doing it on your own, and it isn't working, maybe you should give counseling another try. I mean, I would have NEVER suspected that my friends cut, they are these "preppy" girls who seem to "have it all" but nothing is ever what it seems yuh know ? i hate the stereotypes. but anyways..
What one of my friends did to get over cutting herself was writing and drawing. she would write poems, stories, feelings and then shed draw. she's not even a good drawer, but she mostly just scribbled really hard on a pad of paper, to take the urge of cutting away. One of my other friends got a punching bag and would obviously punch the bag whenever she felt that she wanted to cut herself, she also took an eraser and placed it next to her bed so that whenever she "wanted" to cut herself, shed use the eraser on her skin instead of a blade of some sort. [i dont suggest this, because it does burn your skin if you do it too hard]
i also think that if you take a pen, and write soething encouraging on both of your wrists, or places you would cut, you'll see it before you cut, read it, and it would stop you. like maybe a saying like .. "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." or .. "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." or just a word like, "life." or "live." or "alive." or "live life." maybe even.. "Fall seven times, stand up eight." [you could switch a quote each day.] I dont know if this would work for you, but i think its worth a try. or you could draw a smiley face :] or a heart haha, anything.
You just can't lose hope. you will get through this. you just have to really focus on what you want, and obviously for you, that goal is to stop self mutilizing yourself. You can do this. maybe start playing music ? or joining clubs and stuff. Just keep your mind on different things, and remember, you. will. survive. :]
good luck ! hope i helped, you're not alone. if you ever need to vent or talk about anything, im here, just send me an inboxx. xxo.
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hmm this is tough, i have been through self mutilation before too, and its hard to stop..so i understand, now what got me to stop?..well it was by me expressing myself in different ways..maybe you dont have to talk it out with councelers or anything, maybe writing a journal or writing poetry or writing about the way you feel. because isnt the reason for self mutilation is to let your feelings out?..or to just feel numb?..or maybe i am wrong, i am so sorry if i havent helped. i have had this problem too, and worse but its all the same. therapists helped me out a lot but not everything works out for people. yeah its good that you want to do this by yourself..so maybe try one of the things that i suggested, see maybe if it works. whenever i felt sad i would take sleeping pills so i can hopefully forget once i wake up..sometimes i still do it now..but we will both get through this..nothing can tear us apart. and you have to start loving yourself, because another reason why i would do self mutilation is because i always hated myself and got angry at myself whenever i got upset, even when it wasnt even my fault...anyways i have to stop. sorry, hope i helped a little. :)
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