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things falling apart.
Hey darby,
its me Jess again =) the girl who asked you all the questions about that guy dean..thank you for all that its all cleared up now and im over him completely.
However recently I have a few more problems,i was going to ask theese publicly but since you gave me such good advice last time i thought id ask you hope you dont mind.
I don't even know where to start with all this so if it gets to be too long i apologise.
Okay my main problem is my bestfriend dave is treating me like crap basicly. (the one we have established has feelings for me) Him and my cousin laura who lives in a seperate county to us sort of had a thing going on whenever they would see each other,but then he started playing her against this other girl and tried to get a way with hooking up with both. he asked me not to say anything and I told him to pick one or the other.
typical male he didnt.I didnt say anything to laura because i didnt wanna be the one to make her feel like crap.and he should be man enough to do it but he didnt,so then she was talking to me about it a couple of months after she had her suspicions of another girl so i told her everything and she was so upset and mad with him.
then he got mad at me for telling even though she had a right to know and i wasnt going to lie to my own cousin he then tries to tell her that i was in on it the whole time and helped him do it!he apologised then and she forgave him but said theyd stay friends only.
so that was fine,but i invited laura down to spend this week with me because i felt bad for her being stuck at home bored(and her brothers going out with her bestfriend) and we weree going to go to this big theme park. she was really excited and said thanks she couldnt wait..then i get a text from dave saying i hear lauras staying in your house i need a favour..i need to stay in your house one of the days shes down(he rarely asks to stay in my house anymore) she says she misses me..
I text back saying..she misses you..after what you did i ask her down for a week and she misses you.
he said then have you a problem with me all of a sudden,I said i have a problem with being used yes.
he said oh so its okay for you to use me but its different when its the other way around.
i said how have i ever used you,and he said oh asking me for help with your problems with dean and whatever else..
i said you call that using?thats what friends do help each other then i told him i dont want to talk to him im tired and mad.
he said then you know what jess go to sleep for yourself i dont care anymore using you ha you make me laugh big time.
so as of now Im really mad with both of them because if she did say that to him then shes only coming down to get with him again sorry if it seems im over reacting but i dont think thats fair to me.
now onto a more serious issue that is linked to my problems with dave also (god im sorry if this is confusing you!)
a couple of weeks back at my friends 17th birthday we all went out to a nightclub and this guy basicly took advantage of my friend rachael when she was drunk he locked her in the bathroom and forced her to have sex with him.
thursday night i was out with my two older sisters and their friends and this guy started flirting with me then asked me out to the bathroom.. luckily my sister noticed and draged me away because he turned out to be the same guy.
I was really shaken after it so I text dave...he basicly made out that it was my fault.
I said oh so its my fault i went out to have a good time and some sleezebag tries to take advantage of me. he was just being so horrible.
(we are reporting the guy who did it to my friend btw)
he text me today then saying are you off with me
i replied saying :
Yes i am.dont even ask me why oh and btw the guy who tried to get me into the bathroom with him is the same guy who raped rachael but oh yea i forgot that was all my fault and you don't care anymore I really dont want to talk about shit with you now.
he replied so your off with me for no reason,i text back saying no reason?.look this is it i cant take this anymore.
his reponse whats it take what?.
so you see my problem,my best friend has changed completely this has been building up and similar stuff has happend but i kept overlooking it everyone has said not to talk to him anymore but its so hard to just abondon a friendship like ours,ive known him since I was 6.
im now 16 so thats 10years. his family and mine are super close and if we stop talking it will be so weird but I cant take the way hes being towards me anymore and he doesnt seem to think hes doing anything wrong and reverts everything back to me,he never sees where im coming from anymore or seems to be considerate of my feelings. Im just so confused. any advice would be so much aprciated and Im really very sorry for this ridiculously long bable of my dilemas.
-Jess
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hey Jess,
Okay, I'll address the issue with Dave and Laura first. I really don't blame you for being upset with them for this. It's obvious that (if she said she missed Dave) they probably talked about it and decided that he should come stay at your house when she does. It's especially obvious since, as you said, Dave hardly asks to stay at your house anymore.
That's really not fair to you because you were honest enough to tell your cousin what happened. Dave shouldn't have gotten angry that you told your cousin, I mean, she is your cousin after all. Of course you don't want to see her get dragged about like that. It only makes sense that you would tell her because she is family.
But if she's just going to automatically forgive him and run back to him, I wouldn't give her any more warnings about him. She should already know what's going on because you told her before.
If I were you, I would ask Laura if she told Dave that she misses him. If she admits to it, ask her if she's wanting Dave to spend the night at your house when she does. If she admits to that too, tell her that you think it's wrong of her and Dave to use you for a place to hook up like that, especially after the drama that happened earlier with Dave and the love triangle.
If it comes out that they really are using you just for a place to hang out, I wouldn't let either of them come stay at your place. That's just not right. Laura was supposed to come to your place to go to the theme park with you, not to ditch you for your best friend.
Next, I'm really sorry about your friend and I wish her the best. That's scary and I'm glad it didn't end up happening to you, too. Close call, huh? It's good that you guys are turning him in; he deserves it.
That was really inappropriate of Dave not to show any caring whatsoever towards you when something so bad almost happened. He definitely should have handled that situation better. It would be one thing to say, "Wow, Jess, you really need to be careful" But it's a completely different thing to blame it all on you. He should be more compassionate.
The thing with people, especially guys it seems, they don't understand things that seem like common sense a lot of times. It seems like it would be obvious that he should be more compassionate and caring for you after all this time, but he really might not see anything he's doing as 'wrong' per say. He probably knows that he should be a better friend than he's being right now, but he probably also feels like his behaviour is justified.
I think you need to talk to him about what has been going on between the two of you. I knew that the whole Dean thing upset him a lot, because we've established that he has feelings for you, as you said. But him giving advice about the Dean thing and you giving him a place to hook up with your cousin is a totally different thing.
Tell him that you don't want to throw away your friendship, since you guys have been friends for 10 years. But tell him that you think he needs to be more compassionate. Tell him specifically the things that he's been doing that have hurt your feelings. Start your sentences with something like, "It really hurt my feelings when you (insert something he's done) because I felt like you should have (insert what would have been a better choice on his part/why it hurt your feelings)"
Try to leave out things like, "This is all your fault because ...!" You have to take the blame (what little you have) for some of the things or he'll feel like he's just being attacked. There's nothing wrong with admitting that Dean definitely wasn't right for you and that Dave was right about that. If you do that, he'll at least feel like you're admitting your mistakes and he'll be more likely to own up to a few of the things that he's done.
If he doesn't take to the conversation well and just gets angry or yells, I'd say it's almost time to throw in the towel. It will be awkward because your family's are close, but you don't want him to keep treating you like that. You'll have to take action eventually.
Give him a little more time though. I don't think you're overreacting really, but you don't want to stop being friends with him without giving him a couple more weeks to start treating you better.
Once you talk to him and tell him how you're feeling and what you'd like to see him do differently, you'll know that you did what you could do to salvage your friendship. This will especially be so if you give him a couple weeks or so to straighten things out before completely dumping him as a friend.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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