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For my boyfriend, about his stubborn, hating family.
I'm 21f, my boyfriend (James) is 23m, his brother (Andrew) is almost 22, and they live with their parents. James and I have been together for about four years, and love each other very much.
But his family hates me, and we're starting to fight because I think he could fight them more on this, and he thinks he can't. He has no job and not much money, so he can't move out.
According to him, his parents think I'm not good enough for him. That makes sense, they want the best for him. They have good intentions. But they periodically tell him that he's hurting the family by seeing me, and that's just not true.
He said, "The only way they'll stop is if I break up with you, and I really don't want to."
I said, "It's your decision, they should respect it."
He said, "Yeah, well, they don't. So that's where I am."
I've tried everything from speaking candidly and honestly to his parents to writing his mom a thank-you letter (which she received, but refused to read). I've tried pretending that nothing is wrong, and I've tried playing the saint. Nothing I've done has worked. James claims to stand up for himself (and me) when they say disrespectful things, but I really have trouble believing it. They even have a problem with my CAR on their street.
Even his brother, Andrew, hates me. He invites James to do things with him, and when James tries to bring me, Andrew complains until James either says "forget it," or I tell him to go without me...but I hate doing that because I want to do fun things with them, too.
I feel left out, hated, and frustrated. Never in my life have I been the target of such discrimination. How can I help James deal with his family? How can I deal with this situation?
Any ideas/advice would be helpful.
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Your boyfriend is 23-years-old. It's time he acted like his own man and developed a backbone. He should confront his family and tell them that while they may not like you that the hostility and lack of respect must die.
He's an adult and can easily score a job and move out. Why hasn't he? It seems he's already chosen them over you. If he did move out surely there would be a way to live together.
Park your car where you want and on their lawn even to make a point that you aren't intimidated or offended by their boorish behavior. You have two choices to ignore it or tackle it head on.
Next time you encounter his family tell them that you have been nothing but respectful, kind and loving towards them and their son. Ask why they resent and hate you. They'll back pedal real fast and not mess with you if they can see you don't feel threatened by them.
Tell this boyfriend of yours to either start protecting you and your interests or go your separate ways. He needs to grow up, be a man and put an end to this shit. If he's not going to be a man than tell him you've had enough of him and his family. If you tell him that perhaps it will give him the gonads to say something or move out. You don't need this turmoil just to date a guy.
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Well, whatever you do decide to do, let it not be leaving James for this. You have a big challenge to face in your life right now. James' parents need to understand that you're not giving up. I'm sure James loves you to death but he is probably afraid of his parents. I'm sure he sticks up for you too. If his parents are intense he might just swallow his words to them because as you said, he cannot move out or basically do anything for himself. Therefore, he has to watch what he does around the house and to his parents. Don't worry about his parents, you're not in love with them, you're in love with James. And forget Andrew too, he's not yours, James is. What matters is what happens between you and James. James' parents are being ignorant and quite frankly, I don't think there's anything you can do about it. You just need to work everything out with James. :D Hope this helps.
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