|
I Am Afraid To Kiss Him.....
Okay...I am an 18 year old girl in high school...
This might be a little lengthy, and detailed...>.< Sorry...
Um..
Let's start in...2000..When I was in 4th grade, I met a boy, and we became good friends. I liked him, but it was a kid-crush. Well, i didn't see him again until 2005, when a mutual friend had a big get-together at her house, in my freshman year of high school. He was there, and the instant i saw him, i remembered my feelings for him. When i arrived at my friend's house, everyone was outside. I got attacked and jumped on by some of my friends, and then he came over, and asked if i remembered him. I was thinking "How could i forget you.." (because even though i had liked other guys and stuff, i had not forgotten him), but i said something else because i was feeling a bit shy. Anyway, that day, we had a good time, getting along very easily like 2 good friends who had never lost touch. After this, though we didn't go to the same high school (because, even though he lives really close to me, he went to a specialized high school that was farther away), we continued to see each other at random b-day parties and get togethers of friends. My feelings for him grew, but unlike my other friends, i couldn't simply "confess" and tell him my feelings. He was kind to me, but that doesn't mean he liked me, and rejection was one of my greatest fears. I continued to live with a painful pang of unrequited love. We would talk and joke at parties, but never hung out on our own or anything. Then, in the summer before senior year, i found great news. My crush was coming to my high school (because he got in trouble at his old one sad but...). I was so happy. On the first day, we even ran into each other, and spent the whole lunch period together. It was great. But after that day, i didn't see him again. My lunch got changed. In the second semester, it changed back. We began spending lunches together again, and really getting to know each other and chatting a lot. I was really wondering if he could possibly like me, but i kept telling myself there was no way...because i knew i was ugly, and there was nothing great about me. (i think my friend had had his heart broken in the past; experiencing unrequited love a few times the way i was at that time. Anyway) But my love for him continued to grow.
At lunch, we started meeting in a place no one really knew about. It was dark, and we couldn't really see each other, but we would just talk and i didn't feel scared. I just loved spending time with him. Sometimes i wondered what was going on; why would he want to spend time with me like that, thinking he must liked me if so. But i still was unsure. It got to a point where we would poke each other back and forth, and somehow we started holding hands. I questioned myself even more, wondering what was happening between us. At these times, there were no words, and i was too scared to ask him anything, even a simple question of "why." It just continued to go on like this.....
Then we got in trouble for being there, put into CAEP for a week long. We got out, and nothing really changed between us. We were like more than friends, but not quite a couple. I was confused, but happy.
One night, he texted me late, like 4 am, asking if i wanted to take a walk. We were together, talking and jut hanging out, until about 6, which is when i usually wake up for school.
That day at school, my friend and I both got in trouble (but he was in worse than I – he was being sent to an alternative school for about a month.). That evening, he texted me saying he was talking another walk, and I came. My mom was so angry at me for getting in trouble again; I was glad to leave the house. We just walked around, talking about what happened. It was dark by time we were coming back. Since we lived so close, I walked back to his house with him, and was going to head home alone (since I might get in more trouble for my mom for being with someone – and I never knew what to expect from her. We just sat down on his driveway for a while, kind of hugging, and just feeling sympathy for ourselves and each other. Finally, I was going to leave, and he gave me his jacket, because it was cold outside. Not quite understanding, I took off mine and said “Here! Take mine!”, and put his on – so we kind of exchanged. >.< haha.
I got up, and just went to hug him one more time, and he hugged me back tightly… then without warning, he just came closer and we kissed…I was alarmed and though I liked it, I was so scared and had no idea of what to do. I was just frozen there for about 2 seconds and then I sort of pulled back…right away I said “I’m sorry!” And I hugged him again…we just sat there because I was like emotionally distraught and he must have been feeling it too. We tried to talk about it, but everytime I tried to explain something or say how I felt, I stuttered or a weird strangled noise would escape my mouth, and all I could really say was sorry. He wanted to try again, but after that, there was no way I could. Well we took more walks in the middle of the night, which I loved….but after a while, we just stopped.
Eventually he came back to school, where we continued to hang out. Things kind of went back to normal. But nothing really happened until recently. We spent lunch inside the auditorium at school, which is pretty vacant most of the time. There was this dark hallway thing we just sit in (Ah, we both kind of like the dark >__<’’ ). So we still talk as before, and hold hands again. Just yesterday, we were getting particularly close. We sat, talked, were holding hands and just sort of...you know. When the bell rang for class, we just kind of sat there, but didn’t want to be late. He got up first, but I didn’t move (ach, I really hate math class. -_-). So he leaned down, and I thought he was going to grab my hand to help me up or something. But he surprised me by kind of laying on top of me (but I was sitting upright against a wall). I feel kind of weird having this on the Internet, but yeah….
We were just sort of holding each other for a while, and I had my face buried between his neck and shoulder, but he sort of moved my face, and I was facing him. In the dark I could see just the outline….we were frozen like that for a bit and he asked, ‘would it be ok if I kissed you?’ I kind of predicted it before it happened, and it was the same thing again. “I…uh…” The same thing happened again, just like it had about 2 months ago. I couldn’t do anything but stutter, even though I wanted it too. I buried my face into him again, and we just kind of sat like that for a bit. I apologized a bunch more times, and we went to class then. For the last 2 class periods of the day, I mentally kicked myself. I should have just done it. I’m so confused!!
The thing is, I love him so much. He is caring, considerate, nice, sweet, smart, and cute too >.< He’s a great friend. I’ve liked him for a long time, longer than I’ve ever liked anyone. Neither of us has ever had a relationship before, and when he kissed me 2 months ago, it was the first time for both of us. I feel so regretful. Our time together is running out; the last full day of school is Monday, I don’t know if I’ll get to see him during the summer, and he’s going to college 10 hours away from me. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what to do. I feel bad about letting him down. I’m still confused and it’s hard to believe that he likes me, but I guess he does. I actually wanted to kiss him back. Very much. Ever since the first time, I’ve been thinking about that, hoping it would happen again, and telling myself that if it ever did, I would be ready and I would kiss him back. But I just can’t. I messed up again! I get scared and freeze up every time. It’s hard for me to face people, and make eye contact, and even though this was in the dark, I still couldn’t do it.
I wish there was one more chance, and if we don’t see each other on Monday, there might never be. If things happened this way again, or if he asked me again, I would definitely kiss him this time. But I feel like I messed things up for good this time; I mean, it took a little more than 2 months for us to get to that point again. I love him so much. I wouldn’t care about looking or seeming stupid and not knowing what to do; I just want another chance. So what do I do? It’s not like I can just ask him now, after what happened. And I know he wont initiate things, after what I did…he’s pretty shy too.
So what should I do? Just live with this? It’s breaking my heart. I have never told anyone about this. That’s why I’m typing it here; I just need to let it out, and I want to see what people say about it. And all that background info is just to help people get an idea of the struggle I’ve gone through, and how long this has been going on; how long it took to finally reach this point.
Help!?!
Why is this so hard for me, and so easy for other people?
Have you ever had such an experience?
Um….what would you do if you were in my situation? D;
Love,
Confused, Idiotic, Shy, Stupid person. D; lol
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Before anything, don't call yourself ugly. Beauty is one of those " If a tree falls down but no one is around to hear it.... " things. As long as someone considers you pretty, you can never be ugly. It's simply impossible. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. People can only see what you allow them to see, and as long as you have the attitude and believe yourself to be beautiful, you'll always be beautiful. Your opinion of yourself is worth more than anyone else's.
That being said....
Oh god, this is too sweet! Completely worth the long, long read. I find your story to be very compelling, and very common. Of course there's others who've gone through this; are going through this right now. I don't think first kisses are naturally great for any teenager. There's always that hint of awkwardness, but you have the advantage of knowing that your guy isn't mocking you, he's feeling the same way. First kisses are hard enough without having to worry about the other person judging you.
Monday may be the last day of school, but it's not the day the world ends. There's always time. Just throwing that in there. I think you should kiss him as soon as possible, because its awful for you both to be missing out of so much happiness because you're worried about a second, not first, second kiss. You have to realize that this guy has been after you for a while, then you kiss, don't kiss for 2 months, and he's STILL crazy for another. That's GOOD. That means you got him hooked. You were obviously not as bad as you think, so you're embarrassed about nothing.
Kissing, like everything else, is something that can be perfected with practice, and who better to practice on than him? You've already kissed, you like him, and you're comfortable with him. It's perfection.
What I think you should do is text him in the middle of the night, the same way he did to you, and ask him if he'd like to go for a walk. He won't refuse. Kissing a guy can be scary if you're worrying about it, and then you look him straight in the face and lean in, because you're expecting it to happen. That's why I prefer the side approach, sort of like when he almost kissed you and your face was buried in his neck. During your walk, hug him so that you're sort of in the same position, whisper something in his ear, kiss his neck, his ears, his nose, and work your lips slowly towards his. This way, its less straightforward and more romantic. Plus, you initiated it, so you're in control. He's the one who's nervous.
There's so many things you can do, so many things you should do, but don't let him get away. Who's to say that after so many attempts, he doesn't worry about you thinking he's a terrible kisser? Do it for him, for yourself. Omg, do it for my sake! Sorry, I just get a bit excited =].
Anyway, BEST OF LUCK and please feel free to ask me anything, if you're hesitant or scared, I'm here for support. I hope all goes well, from the deepest bottom of my heart.
-Jewel <3
]
aw this is so sad. it both sounds like you really like each other. it's completely normal for you to be nervous about a first kiss or first relationship (i think you mentioned that in there correct me if i'm wrong) but you're just nervous, and that's okay. you need to shake off being nervous, he's your best friend, and from what you said here it sounds like he's crazy about you and won't judge you. if you really like him then the best advice i could give you is to find him before he leaves and tell him what you said here. tell him how much you like him and that you're just nervous. you will definetly regret it if you don't, you two have got something good, don't let it slip away like that. hope everything works out for you.
]
More Questions: |