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Boyfriend's Bad Best Friend (bit long, sorry)
Hi! (this is a bit long, sorry)
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months. My ex-boyfriend who i broke up with in very early February because of verbal abuse, disrespect, and over affection. My ex. is my current boyfriends best friend. Just great i know.
It's not like i hate my ex boyfriend. I've tried to be nice and i've had him over for movie nights with my other friends, but he always causes trouble, is disrespectful, and is mean to me or insults what movies i pick out. (actually that was only one time, because after that my mom saw how destroyed i was and wouldn't allow me to invite him over, which i was happy to hear) He was still verbally abusive until i told my parents last Tuesday, and so far we haven't really talked. He sent an apology note, and i told him i apriciated the apology, but was not ready to forgive him because i still didn't and don't trust him. He was nice when i first started dating him then because mean and abusive.
My boyfriend is having a movie night tonight and let me know he's inviting me and my ex. (which i respect letting me know that he's invited my ex, but i really wish he wouldn't do that.) I understand they are best friends and i don't think what happened between me and my ex should change their relationship, but i wish he would not invite me and my ex over at the same time AND in the same week that he sent a cruel text and it drew a line with my parents. I really love my boyfriend, but really dislike my ex. No, i've never hated my ex, i just strongly dislike him.
This is also my other problem, none of my other friends like my ex. Just my current boyfriend likes him. My other friends and I can't wait for my ex to move (at the end of the school year) We are all just polite to him. (oh all my friends are guys except for 4 of them, and we have a group of 13 people) So my real question is should i tell my boyfriend about my ex and my history or how it went from good to worse? I don't want to tell him because then i'm being mean about his best friend, but at the same time i don't think he gets what my ex put me through.
~Sky (13/f)
ps. Thank you so much for taking time to read and answer this question!
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I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like your boyfriend already has a pretty good idea how much of a jerk his best friend is. He is insulting you right in front of your boyfriend, and everyone else, so it is pretty obvious. Your boyfriend is stuck in a really sticky situation between the two of you and if I were you I would stay away when the best friend was there. I think you already know you should do that, but you don't want to because either (a) you secretly still love your ex, or (b) you are worried that you will never get to see your boyfriend because his best friend is always around. If you are strong and do stay away it will show your boyfriend that you have class and strength. At first, he may kind of rebel and pick his ex more, but I guarantee, the two of you will have some time together, and if you laugh and get along, your boyfriend will want to see you again and again. I wouldn't even go into a whole big thing with your boyfriend. I would just say, "I don't feel like hanging around because (your ex) is always talking shit." After all, it isn't about how he has treated you in the past, it's about how he is still treating you. Eventually, if you stand up for yourself, your new boyfriend will insist that your ex boyfriend treat you right.
I just want to add a little other note. Emotional abuse can be really esteem draining. Do you know why guys emotionally abuse woman? His self-esteem is so low that he only thinks you will like him and stay with him if he lowers your esteem. It is a wicked vicious cycle. I will tell you this. I was in a relationship for a long time with a person who sounds a lot like your ex. It was really hard to get away from him, but I finally ended it completely five years ago. Now, we are really great friends, both in other relationships, and all four of us hang out. So, it can be done. This kid probably emotionally abused you because he has been emotionally abused himself and he really started to care for you and couldn't process his feelings the right way. I think he might insult you and hurt your feelings when he sees you because his feelings might be hurt when he sees you with his friend (it doesn't make it right, I'm just trying you to get to understand why it's happening). How would you feel if you were to have to hang out with him hugging up on your best friend? If he does say something mean to you, think of it as him being jealous.
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Okay In my opinion I think you should explain to your boyfriend the reasons why you dislike your ex.
you say you dont want to be mean but you wont be doing that by letting him know how you feel and what happend unless you do it in a very nasty way which you wouldnt be.
In fact he should respect you for it because for 13 your handling of this situation is really mature.
tell him your not out to cause trouble between the two of them just that youd prefer not to be around him and your ex at the same time that it makes you feel uncomfortable and that you've tried to be tolerant but he just keeps being rude and abusive & nobody should have to put up with that.
maybe even your boyfriend could have word or two with him?and ask him why he is being that way.
maybe mention that its not just you that feels that way the rest of the group do too so he doesnt think you just have a grudge against him.
Just be calm and tell him exactly how you feel without being nasty and he should understand I almost garuntee you he will =)
Hope I helped in some way && I hope everything gets sorted and works out good luck!
<3
Jessiee.x
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