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Horrible predicament with girlfriend...
Hey everyone. 19/male here.
My girlfriend (18) and I have been going out for almost 8 months, and so far we have mostly had fun. This has been my first serious relationship and I am completely in love with her. We do fight somewhat often, but we usually manage to work it out and make up. Unfortunately, we both have different goals for both the summer and for the future... she wants to move out by the end of the summer because she can't stand her family and needs to get her own space and be her own person. She says this is a necessity and she has to do it with or without me. I originally told her I was on board, but after really thinking about that I don't know if i'm ready, or if I can take a semester off of college to work to make the money to move out. I've already told her this and she became extremely upset, and we both don't know what to do. We both love each other very much and are extremely attached but have different goals. I know if we broke up we both would be devastated severely. While I have considered it I feel like I could never do it because I care and love her so much. I guess my question is basically, what should I do....?
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Well if you guys truly love each other then you will last. It is perfectly normal for you to stay back while she moves. Your both adults and have different goals thats ok. You are just going to have to let her do what she needs to do and you need to do what you need to do. But you could both stay togeather. You guys could take turns visiting each other on the weekends. I usually don't encourage lond distance relastionships but if you guys love each other than it will survive. Try it out and see how it works. But its also normal for two people to grow apart and finally just see that its not working for you guys. That normal too you guys are just beomcing adults your finding out what real life is that. Its ok for your views and feelings to change.
Good Luck!!
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First I wanna say, True love ALWAYS finds a way.
That is tough, maybe she could help?
Rent a appartment share it- I heard from cuz appartments are the cheapest thing right now. If you do get a place try to something that could be payed maybe chick-fil-a is hiring they have VERY felixable hours maybe you and or her could work there. I'm not sure, but if she doesn't already have a job, she could get one. As for the college...
The best thing for right now, I say is hold that plan save up some funds.
Let her now that you love her and would like to move with her but you wanna wait. If she loves you she'll understand.
Good luck-
lilly
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Paying the funds to move out of the house is a big deal, and she shouldn't be expecting you to do so! If you give her some time to cool off, she will probably realize this; most likely she is having a hard time accepting a sudden change in plans, what with all of these big decisions being made.
Be there in every way you can to support her non-financially. Explain, if you haven't already, the sacrifices you would have to make to help her fund living on her own. And try to counsel her in her other options. For instance, she could always find a roommate and split the cost of rent, if she found a place, or find a friend/someone she knows who shares similar moving-out-for the summer goals.
Coming from my own experience, she is probably seriously overwhelmed by moving out, her ability to do so, and other life changes. There is a strong possibility that her becoming upset has a lot more to do with her fear of not being able to move out/the fact that you changed your mind than you not wanting to move in with her.
Once again, give her space to cool off, and by no means should you think of altering your life plans for this! As for breaking up, I wasn't sure how this entered into the equation, unless she is the one threatening this in which case she is either totally confused or a total asshole. Making a choice to give up certain things to pay to live on your own is big and not something she should expect from you (I'm reiterating here)! Even the choice to move in with someone is something that (I've heard) is big. Someone who tries to get you to do either before you are ready is not someone worth being with in the first place.
But as for you breaking up with her - relax. These are difficult decisions; it's going to be a bit intense for her sorting them through. So step back, let her be frustrated, and once this has calmed down you can go on with your relationship.
~~As a side note, if the only way she can move out is by depending on your money, she probably isn't ready to and her actions towards you start to borderline manipulative.(Once she is more calm) try to point her in the way of student loans, jobs, ect.
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You are in a tough position. But it could get worse if you let your anxiety over upsetting her, control you actions. I have been where she is. When I was 18, I left home too, and I did not have the support of a nice guy like you. My home life was horrible, and I needed to get out. But it was my problem. I had to resolve it myself, or I wouldn't have overcome the negativeness of my up bringing. Oh I would have jumped at the chance to move in with a young man like you, but it would have ended in disaster. Whenever something went wrong I would have expected him to fix it. You are only 19, you don't have the experience or the funds to fix every problem that will come up. And there will be problems. I completely understand her wishes to be free of her family. And I agree, and you probably agree too. But for her to expect you to fix it by moving in with her and providing financial support, that is not fair to you. And too much to expect at this time. You have plans for college, you need to keep those plans. That way you'll have financial security in your future. You are not the cause of her problems at home. She has to find a better way to deal with her family, or move out on her own and support herself. (Accomplishing this will give her a lot of confidence in herself and her abilities. )
She may not be able to afford to move out without your help. And that is too bad, but she will just have to be patient. Maybe she could find some girls to share a place with. That would be a good option.
In the mean time, you can be supportive emotionally and generous with your time. That is all that she should expect from you at this time.
If she cannot understand this, then she may have a controlling type of personality, and will want to control more and more of your actions in the future. If she needs to control your behavior in order to be happy.....then neither one of you will be happy.
Bottom line....while she may be upset when you tell her no, that you will not be moving out and in with her, she should come around and be understanding. If she gives you an ultimatum and threatens to break it off with you....then let it go. In time you will see that you made the right decision.
Good luck to you.
- Michele
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