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Foreign men
I have been dating this man from India for a year now, but he still doesnt want to be in a relationship with me so he says. We started off as friends and moved up from there, but he cant be with me because I'm white and american, and it is socialy unacceptable in his culture. Around his friends, I have to act like we are just friends. We cant hold hands around other Indians, which is ok to me because I respect that that is how it is in India. He puts flowers in my hair (which is a big deal to Indians) and does nice things for me. Im not allowed to date other people even though he said we are not in a relationship, but he wont admit he loves me. I love him. I feel like Im around for his convinience, not mine. Am I wasting my time?
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This man would have to give up absolutely everything he has come to know and love because of you if you two wanted to be together in a real relationship. This means that his family would disown him, his friends would not speak to him, he would even have to leave the country--his entire life would change in a matter of seconds if he let it out that he was courting a white American lady.
It isn't right to ask this of your guy, no matter how much you may love him or how much he may love you. He is stuck in a very hard place right now because he has feelings for you but knows he "shouldn't." He is doing what he can do to please both sides of this situation.
It isn't that you're wasting your time, it's that you would have to have him drop his entire life as he knows it. It's sort-of like YOU are wasting HIS time. Not many people are able to do such things, especially if they had good a childhood in a stable living areas and have friends and family they are relatively close with.
Please, leave this man so he is able to find a nice Indian woman that is socially acceptable. You are only bringing him heartache. He can only hide this for so long before he breaks. Please, don't make him lose his entire life because you want him to love you back as much as you feel you love him.
It isn't that he doesn't care.
It's that this is how his society works. This is what he has grown to know. This is what is socially acceptable. People have been killed in cold blood for things like this in other countries. They have been stoned to death even. There are even tales of people hunting them down when they move to another nearby city and being stabbed to death in their sleep.
If someone told you that you were NEVER allowed to wear shoes or socks because it was a sign of a bad thing, could you? Say you were born into such a society and it was made very clear at an early age that feet-covering was prohibited. What if it was in the middle of a hot, rocky place? What if it was in Antarctica? What if you could see the impact of no-shoes-no-socks made on the society--where you saw people actually losing toes because of the climate and conditions? Everyone would be going no-shoes, but the second you covered your feet it would be all over. At the best, you would be shunned from that society--simply because you wanted comfortable feet! You would be ruining their society, teaching their children "bad" things, and being a complete rule-breaker. If they didn't punish you, their children would follow your rule-breaking (and how else do you punish someone who does one of the biggest no-nos in society? Death.) It may SOUND silly, but that's how life works in other areas of the world. (There are some that, if you touch someone's head, you are pretty much shunned from the culture.)
Every society has big no-nos, including American society. We're actually a very, very slack society when it comes to the rules though.
The forbidden relationship doesn't just reflect your partner but it will reflect his entire family. That is how society works for other countries. If he does this "terrible" thing then the entire family's name will be tainted. It will be as if his parents had raised him incorrectly and that they were not a good family since he didn't go down the "right" path in choosing a mate. When someone is killed in other countries for doing things like this it is likely to be a family member that does it actually. That is how serious things can get.
Please, understand, it isn't that he doesn't care about you. It isn't that you're only there for "his convince." It is that he loves you but he knows it isn't right. It is that he's afraid because he knows what happens to people that do this.
Get out of his life immediately and find your own partner that can be with you. You are causing the man much grief. The more you pressure him to be open about it, the harder his life will become. Just courting you in private is a big deal--if ANYONE were to catch him, his entire life would be demolished.
He courts you in private because he does love you, but he knows that in public that cannot happen. He is trying to make you happy and is risking his entire life in the process. Please, leave him behind. It's only right to stop asking him to care about you. Tell him about understanding the society in India and that you know this relationship simply cannot be. Leave on a good note that maybe you two will catch up in some years and be simply friends.
Then never see him again.
It's hard but what he's been doing has been so much harder.
I wish you well. If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me! :)
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If you want a relationship based on mutal respect and honesty, probably.
If you are looking for a long-term commitment leading to marriage or co-habitation with children and a happy extended family, definately.
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