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Getting more comfortable
14/f
Ok me and my bf just started going out a few days ago. I feel so nervous around him though. I just want to know how to feel more comfortable when I'm around him. When we sit next to each other or something I kind of shake but not alot. Like he can't tell I'm shaking. I'm just nervous. Can you tell me some ways I can get more comfortable? Or anything of the sort. Thanks so much!
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Although having your partner carry most of the conversation is a great idea for your nervousness, it leaves him left without any clue as to who YOU are. This being said, it isn't the greatest idea when you're trying to become closer to someone. Sure, it's great to have one person talk awhile about their likes/dislikes, but there comes a certain point where the person will feel bored with conversation.
The best thing to do is to decide upon a few things you want to talk about before you two get together. Something you enjoy. Something YOU can talk about for a few lines, at least. Something your partner can participate in somehow. You can make almost anything into a full-on discussion as long as the person is willing to talk with you.
This being said, you could even talk about make-up with the guy. Sure, guys don't like make-up, but you can bring it into a discussion of, "So, how do you feel about girls who wear a lot of make-up? I know some guys really like it and some guys don't. I understand both points but, I don't know, what goes through your head when you see a girl with tons of make-up on--or do you just not notice?" Asking a question that is a little more complex than, "Yes," or, "No," is important so you may have to lengthen a question a little bit more to get your partner involved.
If he wasn't very interested in that question and the conversation started to die you could even throw in something like, "I find it odd that guys are starting to wear make-up so frequently now. Sure, I understand they need it for movies but in real life it seems like guys are taking it way too far--don't you think?" If that STILL doesn't work then you need to relate it to something/someone you both know--like the emo kid down the road that you both aren't too fond of by saying, "Yeah, I saw Bob--that emo kid--one day and he had tons of eye make-up on. I mean, he isn't going to snag any girl that way! What in the world must he be thinking?!"
Eventually the discussion will go both ways. You'll become relaxed because you will be talking about something YOU know, something YOU are comfortable with. He won't be as bored in conversation because, although you're leading the talk, he will be actively participating. You both become closer because you both are giving and receiving information about each other.
So, take an hour or two before you two get together to decide upon a few topics you can discuss in length. It doesn't have to be complex, like I said. Very simple discussion is just fine as long as you keep asking the person for their input and view of the subject. If you need to, look up some information online on the subject you want to talk about so you have even more to say than usual. Things like, "You wouldn't believe what I read recently..." can turn into a very interesting discussion.
News is always great too, even if it's some little story like the kid named Adolf Hitler Campbell--his parents wanted a birthday cake made that read, "Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler!" Just bringing up that news story can open a whole bag of discussion. You can talk about if you would have made the cake, how the child must feel as they grow older, how the parents must be off their rockers, a good book you read about Hitler, how you think people who still follow Hitler are crazy, etc etc. Just a news story can lead into something huge :) while giving your partner an idea of who you are too.
Relax and prepare, like I said, before you meet up. It's normal to decide topics of conversation and discussion questions, believe it or not. If you leave everything one sided and only talk about what he likes then things are going to be very slow to start because:
1. You might not be interested in what he likes.
2. He gets no information out of you so he becomes bored and disinterested.
3. You may be clueless as to what he says--if you're already nervous how are you going to say, "Uh...what are you talking about?"
4. It takes longer to find common interests so it takes longer for the relationship to actually build.
Figure out what you want to talk about and go from there. It'll be easy if YOU are comfortable with the conversation. Don't let your nervousness kill off something that hasn't even started yet.
If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me! :)
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Hey, congrats on the bf! First off, I think it might calm your nerves to know that you are SUPPOSED to be nervous. You're young and in a new relationship, learning what it's all about! It's an exciting time, but also kind of a scary one. Realize that you are not going to be perfect, but he asked you out because he likes you, so don't worry about being perfect all of the time. He may be just as nervous as you are as well!
Some things you might try are asking him about his favorite subject--especially if you don't know much about it. Chances are that he'll carry the conversation, letting you get comfortable with having a conversation with him, and on top of that, he'll think you are fantastic for listening to his stories! (PS. Even if you are not fascinated, keep your attention on him, and ask him little questions along the way.) Once you are comfortable, try talking to him about something you really like that maybe he doesn't know to much about. Keep in mind though that some guys are not great listeners. Expect him to pay attention and be interested just like you did for him, but if he just isn't good at concentrating, you may want to keep the conversation short.
You guys might also go to a movie with a group. Going with a group keeps you from constantly wondering if he wants to make out (I personally think making out in movie theaters is gross anyway...), but you get the chance to sit by him for an hour or two, and just get used to it without having to carry on a conversation or anything.
Lastly, you just need to give it time. Once you get to know your boyfriend better, and he gets to know you better, you'll know how to act around him, and you'll know how he acts around you. Comfort is just something that kind of happens naturally, so let it. Most of all, remember that you are wonderful and gorgeous, and he thinks so!
Good luck and much love!
~TD
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I toooootally know that feeling. So basically when i think about it, there's a difference between guy friend and boyfriend. With a guy friend you can be comfortable around because you're not trying to impress him and make him think you're cute and whatnot. And with a boyfriend, there's that connection between you two because you like eachother, which might give you that nervous feeling because you want him to think the best of you. Which is my point. Relax because you got him! haha. I know it might seem hard and since you're so young you still have a bit to learn, but just be yourself. Just relax and be comfortable around him! He's your boyfriend :)
OH and as for ways to get comfortable, maybe try talking on the phone more? I know that helps a little. Invite him over your house, watch movies, play video games. Share your interests whether one of you think it's stupid or not. Do something silly and it will definitely help because you'll break the ice!
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