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suicide prone >->
Well as the subject says latelty I've been thinking about suicide quite often.Now before you go off and say,"No! don't do it" or "You need serious help".Just shut up will you!!! Yes I know it's the cowardly way out of life and often missunderstood as to why anyone would want to take their own life.Okay I'm 15,female and currently a freshman.Since I turned 11 or right around 5th grade I guess,I began to get sick alot.Like with colds and such,I'd miss school alot and my parents would get stressed with me.Hell I'd stress out too,but that's not why I wanna end it.Now I'm in High School and been missing alot due to being ill.Right now I have some stupid pneumonia thing,not completely.I'm on antibiotics so yeah.But any way,like I said.I'm to much of a chicken to kill myself,yet that is.
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If I were too,Ive searched a few quick ways of doing so...."And no I'm not crazy dammit!!!"U-U
Just curious okay...The possible ways of doing so would be. Shotgun in mouth is popular,but do to my age and where I live quite difficult to pull off. *Sigh*
So the next one up was marijuana and some gas I think it was nitrogen.Marijuana I could get easy,hah! But as for gas,well it shouldn't be hard and it's painless...so they say. But not my cup of tea,to much work.So the most possible one would be,jumping in front of a train.Cliche I know,but if done right painless and instant...Were I live there's a train station a short walk away,easy right? Instead of going to school,take a detour and bam so long life.o-o
But the thing is I don't have the guts yet.I'm to much of a pussy.>->
I'm failing all my classes,alot of people dislike me,they think I'm a bad kid I guess.They think I skip school so yeah.Um my ex-best friend all of a sudden stopped speaking to me,and I'm not sure if she says things with out thinking or she does it to hurt me purposely...I'm on the verge of being kicked out of school,and my 'rents they try to encourage me to do better,like my dad says have faith in god and everything will be alright.The thing is my faith lately...I have none...I do believe in god but I'm not so sure lately.Now okay let me guess what you're going to say to me.
"You need help if you're thinking of suicide,call your local something hotline" or "Tell your parents/school teacher/counselor and get help" probably even "You searched that sh*t you're f*ckin' crazy!!! Get help!!!" so if you are just don't waste your energy on typing,thanks.
What I want is if you or if you know someone that wanted to or tried to commit suicide and failed,to beable to talk to me about your/their experience.By e-mail ofcourse so yeah...Thanks very much.
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This is probably not the answer you are looking for. You will probably not get any tips on commiting suicide here. If you are that much in denial about you not needing help, then you can stop reading now.
At first, I did think "man, she needs help". I still think that. I don't think you're "crazy", persay, but I do honostly believe you don't have a very good reason for commiting suicide. There are other ways to solve problems in life. Do you really want to end it all now? You're only 15! If you do this, you're missing out on so many great oppurtunities in life. You'll miss out on life itself! Do you really want to be remembered as you are now? With such little experiance in life and hopeless? It's like just giving up. Sure, there are other ways you could get around your problems, but you'd rather just not have to deal with them.
There are plenty of people who have it worse who find the strength to make it through and become very successful, as cliche as that sounds, it's true. Plenty of them never so much as thought about commiting suicide. If you do this, you're proving something to everyone who's ever doubted you. Everyone who's had an impact on your life. Your parents, your teachers, your peers. Everyone. You're proving that you're weak. That you can't handle life's problems, so you decided to take the easy way out.
Some people would even be angry. Some people die young without being able to protest. Think of a 7 year old girl who died of pancreatic cancer. I'm sure she would have loved to have your life. If you end your life, you're doing nothing to help anyone. Not even yourself. To help you understand imagine this:
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It's about mid-day on Monday. Your mom gets a call at work from your school. It's your principal. He says that you didn't come to school today and he didn't recieve an excuse call from your guardians. He wants to know if everything's alright. Your mother, automatically baffled by the call, leaves work early to go to the school. She'll have a lot of paperwork due tomarrow because of the early leave, but it doesn't matter now. She walks into your school and goes to talk with the principal. He claims you didn't show up at school and all of your teachers counted you absent. She shakes her head and argues that you left for school that day.
Immediately, something in her brain clicks, and she knows something happened. She races down to the police department and bursts through the doors. The policeman helping her urges her to calm down, but she's so worried, she can't stop. She needs to know where you are. The policeman leaves to run the report through the computer and you mom calls your dad and tells him that you didn't show up at school today. He races down to the station and they sit in the waiting room, both thinking the worst.
Eventually, the policeman comes back out, a sad expression hinting through his face. Your mother immediately breaks down crying when he tells her the news. Your father silently cries while holding your wailing mother. According to the report, the conducter of the train you jumped in front of reported the incident. According to his description, it was you.
The police ask your parents to come with them to attempt to identify you. Your parents drive out to the railroad tracks and see what appears to be small, ripped fragments of your skin splattered and woven between the track beams. Your blood stains the wooden beams and the ground around them. Most of you is missing, but the policeman says that the train probably still has it stuck underneath. Your mother falls to the ground sobbing and screaming for her baby to come back. Your father stands above her crying hard but trying to be strong. He begins praying and asking God to let him wake up now. He doesn't want this to be true.
After a long time, they gather your remains in a box the policeman offers. They put it in the back seat, seatbelted in and drive back home. They decide to call your family members first. These phonecalls take long because most of your family are sobbing so uncontrollably and this causes your mother to start up again. Each phone call is about an hour or two of sobbing and rememberance. After the family calls are made, she notifies the principal. After that, she calls your ex best friend. She starts crying so hard. She starts blubbering apoligies and trying to explain why she stopped talking to you and your mother also continues crying and blaming herself.
Your mother goes through everyone's number and calls almost everyone you've ever met. Everyone is devastated.
-4 weeks later-
Your mother has quit her job. She hasn't gotten any sleep since the day your suicide occured. She's on the verge of cracking and the only thing keeping her glued together is her will to be happy. She wants to be happy, but with you gone, the happiness in her life has left. Now there is nothing to live for.
Your father has become an alchoholic. He has nothing to live for now. No one to look forward to when he gets home from work. No one to show your pictures too and proudly boast "that's my girl!". He's even considering suicide himself.
Your friends are all regretting everything they've ever said to you. They spend their days mourning your death and their nights spent lying awake, blaming your suicide for every movement they've ever made. They regret treating you the way they did. Some of them will end up in counseling somewhere down the road. One of your peers even committed suicide a week after you.
The funeral is today. Your mother wanted an open casket, but there's not enough of you to even use a casket. Your parents decide to cremate your remains. You're ashes are now held in a glass jar by your mother. The preacher reads and allows anyone to come up and speak. A lot of people are at your funeral. Many people step up and speak, recalling the past, and how you were such a great person. They all say different things. A boy speaks about how he loved you and was too afraid to tell you. A girl recalls how nice you were to everyone. Your worst enemy recalls how you really were a great person and how she was wrong to treat you bad. She admits this all to the crowd. Your teachers all remember how hard you tried in school the days you showed up.
When the service is over, there is not one dry eye in the church. A few people are too distraught to stay, but more than half of the audience remains to pray for you. Your city has all heard of the news and it was in the paper. It's much attention, but you won't know about it because you're gone.
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And that's how I imagine life will go on if you do this, or at least somewhere along those lines. I urge you to get help. You could just go to the counselor's office. Though most school counselor's are older, you'd be suprised what they can help with. My 7th grade counselor helped me through what I still remember to be the darkest times in my life. Tell someone, tell your dad or mom, tell a friend, tell anyone! I'm sure you might not like this answer, but I'm pretty sure you won't like most answers since they will all say what you don't want to hear. I beg you not to do this. I myself am not suicidal, but i've known people who are. If you have any idea how much it affects everyone when a suicide occurs, you wouldn't do this. Actually, divorce rates among parents with a child who committed suicide are as much as 8 times the regular. Not only does suicide hurt everyone, it also effects them and hurts their lives also. I hope you have thought all of this through. I really, really hope you decide not too. If you want, why don't you ask to be homeschooled? Or going to a different school? You should also talk to your friend about why she is mad. Start making new friends. Just be social and live your life. Just remember, whether your peers like you or not, you are still living and existing and living life the way you want. Committing suicide only proves that you let others affect your life. Please re-think this decision.
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I had a friend who commited sucided, and i remember thinking at the time, "why do they use the word 'commited'?". And when i thought about it one thing came to mind, it's one those things you can't change, once you make the choice there is no turning back.
My friend thought alot like you. She had a weak immune system as a result of cancer treatment she had when she was young. So people thought the same things about her as they do about you. She thought the world hated her, and so i guess thats why she did it.
Junior year she hung herself. I'd never seen so many people cry, and i realized it wasn't because they knew her or were sorry for all the things she was going through, they were sad because of all the things she'll never get to do. Like graduation, or fall in love, travel, or maybe even have a kid of her own someday.
I'm not going to tell you need to get help, because it seems to me you already understand what your choice will mean. And feeling alone and helpless does not make you crazy.
But you do have a choice and don't i think you should take it lightly. The problem with skipping out on the rest of your life now is that you never know how much better it's going to get. i get that you don't really want advice and i understand that, but understand this, life's as good as we make it. People only have power over you if you give it to them. So stop listening to them, and more importantly stopping living for them. Maybe then sucide wouldn't seem like the easy way out anymore.
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