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I'm 17, female, and I am gay.
I haven't come out yet, but I recently told my close friends about a sexual experience I've had not long ago with a girl. They were interested, but strangely the question about my sexuality never came up. I think this is because I often get drunk and kiss girls, and they probably assumed that this was similar but just went further.
I have a boy friend. I know I know this sounds strange. He's 20 and we've been together for around 4 months. We've been going out on/off for almost 5 years. It's like hanging out with your best friend. I've known him since I was 8 years old and we have a laugh together. Recently he's told me he's falling in love with me again and has even told his friends that we're back together (which is a big deal to him).
I know a lot of your advice will be to break it off with my boy friend before any one gets hurt but i'm afraid that it's too late for that. I care deeply about this guy and yes, we do have sex but for me, it's like an extension of friendship. It doesn't really do anything for me. I want to continue going out with him. I am 100% in this relationship. I am committed to making him happy, and he is to me as well.
I will continue to have sexual relations with girls whilst with my boy friend. For me, this is just learning more about my sexuality and it doesn't really feel like cheating. I wouldn't have another relationship or anything like that. My boy friend knows that I am attracted to girls and we have discussed our "boundries" - he said that he doesn't mind that much about girls because his jealousy stems from insecurity about himself, and he can't compare himself to a girl.
I hope that made sense.
I would like to come out to my friends. The thing is, I haven't known I'm gay for very long at all. But I'm the kinda person who tells her friends everything. Should I wait longer? Should I not tell them because of my boyfriend? My friends have met my boyfriend and they see him occasionally at parties and stuff. They wouldn't tell him I know that for sure. I also know they would be 100% supportive and are probably expecting it.
You all think I should tell my boy friend don't you. *sigh*. Do you think he might not mind if I make clear I want to continue our relationship?
Thanks for any advice - sorry this was long!
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To me, it sounds as if you dont know that your completely gay.
i might be wrong, but it seems to me that your just experimenting with your sexuality.
but as for the boyfriend, i do think you should tell him, about hooking up with girld while being with him, and i aslo think you should tell your friends, because if you know they will suppot you, then they will also help you through this and comfort you.
well good luck! :)
*Bri*
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You do need to tell your boyfriend if you intend to sleep with others during your relationship. Period.
There is no ethical way to avoid that.
If you aren’t comfortable coming out to him, then let him know that you can’t commit to a sexually monogamous relationship, but you do want a romantically monogamous one (if you do).
To not inform your boyfriend of this choice would be betraying him, misleading him and endangering him! Eventually, you would probably have to flat our lie to him, and that is not the makings of a devoted relationship. That is the making of a disastrous mess.
There is no way he is just going to ‘not mind’. ‘Doesn’t mind much’ is very different from ‘Not minding at all’. He is still going to be a bit confused, and wounded and maybe even a bit angry. He is going to have trouble understanding why you want to be with him, but identify as a lesbian. He is still going to be insecure when you explain to him that you are not sexually attracted to men, and see sex with him as an extension of friendship.
And yeah, if you are in a ‘relationship’ with this guy, you are going to have to be that thoroughly honest. He is going to want to understand.
He might decide he can’t live with it. But that doesn’t mean you get to not tell him or lie to him or leave out the gory details. You can’t keep these kinds of secrets and say you are in a relationship. If you hide who you are from him, and your sexual choices, at the same time as not even respecting him enough to let him know you have other lovers… you are just having an affair with a sex buddy and a friend. That’s just friends who fuck, it’s not a relationship in any traditionally understood sense. So you can’t ask him to be cool with it, unless you explain your position completely and thoroughly.
Come out to your friends however and whenever you wish, but don’t fuck around behind your boyfriends back. If you do, you’re self-discovery will eventually lead you to realize that that behavior makes you kinda lousy.
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Wow. That sounds complicated. Your first step is to make sure that is really what you want. If you think this could be a phase of curiousity, then you should evaluate what is going on in your life.
Is this a recent attraction? If so, there may be something causing it that could cause you to make a mistake with your boyfriend.
If you decide you have made the right decision, you need to sit down and talk with your boyfriend about your decision. Even if your not completely sure with yourself, you should talk to him about it. Your friends would also be a great place to turn to for some help.
If you are truly gay, then you probably don't really want to be with your boyfriend and he is a security blanket. You really do need to just sit down and think it out before you do anything drastic.
Sorry that was also long and maybe a little confusing. Let me know if you need anything else. I have been there..
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