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I'm Still In Love With My Ex
I'm a married woman. My husband is a great man. He is the only person I can see myself ever having children with. However, I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I constantly think about him. I dream about him. I want to see him, smell him, feel his skin against my cheek. This is all crazy because my ex is not a good man. He used to choke me whenever we got into a really bad argument. I was afraid of him...but I loved him. I moved across the country so that I could get away from him and move on with my life. There are many good things about him, but he doesn't possess "husband-like" qualities. My husband is close to perfect in my eyes, but I don't feel the same way about him as I do towards my ex. How do I stop these feelings? Am I crazy for loving a man that is not good for me?
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Hmm.
Heres a guess, off the top of my head from what I've encountered in people.
You are still "in love" with your ex because he represents something that you don't currently have in your relationship. From what you've told me, and the mention of choking, I think that you are a somewhat submissive personality and seek the excitement of a dominant male.
And your husband is probably not the commanding or forcibly compelling persona your ex is. Hence a lack of excitement.
Again, I could be completely wrong in this, but from the information provided that could well be a very accurate guess.
The way you described it, you seek the excitement. "feel his skin against my cheek" right there had a bit of a ... Id almost say breathless tone.
Your ex excites you in a way your husband doesnt.
If I'm right, the seemingly logical thing to do is find ways for your husband to generate that excitement you seem to be searching for. You repeatedly describe him as "great" and "Perfect"
Neither of those descriptions strike me with the breathless tone you used in regards to your ex.
Talk to him about what you want, that can be a good starting point.
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1. Realizing you're ex was not good for you is a step.
2. You were afraid of him
3. He didn't have husband like qualities
Those 3 things are the first step of realizing that he wasn't good enough for you. You need to realize you are much better than the way he treated you. You deserve to be happy, loved and cared for and the husband you have now is that person. You may be still having dreams maybe not only because you care for him but maybe a part of you is scared to realize that its time to move on. Realize what you have now, and what you could have in the future with you're husband. If you're ex choked you in an arguement think about what he could have done if you ever married/had children with him.
Bahaima22
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It is pretty much the definition of crazy to think that 'love' is the feeling you have for a man who is 'not good' and who you fear. There is a disconnect there between your response and your reality that actually characterizes most mental illnesses...
Although I might miss a man who slapped me around, I might lust after a man who choked me, and I might even feel affection for him… I could never love him. It's not possible for me to love someone who beats me. I respect myself too much to give my heart to someone who would break it over and over again each time he treated me like a slab of unfeeling meat he could push around.
I'm baffled that you find it possible. It really makes me concerned about your mental health and self esteem.
Please, get some counseling. There truly is something off about your perspective on love and romance if you aren't able to let go of an abuser. Feeling affection or missing him is one thing, but you really think you still love him, even more then you love the man you want to have children with, then you have some work do to on your mind. You need to talk out these feelings with a professional so you can get down to the root cause of them. They aren’t normal, and they will prevent your happiness.
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Okay, so I am only thirteen years old but I know a little about love. You sound like a nice woman, and you don't deserve a man that choked you whenever he got angry. That doesn't sound right. However it seems like you aren't in love with your current husband, maybe he is not the one for you, but I don't think your ex is for you either. I know I am young but kids are smart, we state the obvious which can sometimes be what an adult needs. You deserve the best, don't settle for anything less and don't sell yourself short to someone who doesn't appreciate you. These are my opinions, I wouldn't follow my instructions exactly but I do think you should consider them. I hope I helped.
all my love,
Katwashala
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