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This is more of a compliment than a question...and long.
I don't usually - er, actually, I don't ever do this, but I wanted to express to you how impressed I am with the quality of advice that you give on this site. I asked a question I already knew the answers to awhile ago, and you told me exactly what I needed to hear. In the future, if you don't mind, I'm going to come to you for advice. This is Siren_Cytherea, by the way; I have no shame in asking questions. Are you going into psychology? Because you might consider it.
Since I'm here, actually, I may as well follow up with the question I asked before. (This is the long part) I'm still 20/f, it was the 23 year old guy who had lived with me, hung onto my key, and wasn't treating me very well.
I kicked him out of my life, wrote him a goodbye letter, and wound up reading it to him. An hour later, he called me to tell me it wasn't going to be easy for him either, what a big part of his life I was, and how he didn't know what he'd do without me, to which I responded "um, thanks? I have to go, I have plans." Yes, I know, it was cold, but I had to be at that point. He's always had a very strong emotional effect on me - he threw me into a bout of depression in the past. It ended when I flipped my car >.< .
We talked on line after that, only because he found another screen name to talk to me on, and told me he had cried for over an hour and didn't know what to do," so I let him kind of work it out in his head, but I was still worried about him, as he has a history of depression and suicidal tendencies. Even so, I didn't call him. I made no effort to contact him once we agreed that the hiatus was more of a "see you later" than a "goodbye". I was kind of a wreck the first few days. Everything made me cry, and I had no energy, and the only things I could do were play guitar, go to work, and take care of my kitten.
He called me again on Monday, I almost didn't pick up the phone, but I remembered I had told him once I would always be there for him, and always reachable to him. (Big thing, since I'm his only dependable friend) So I picked up, we chatted idly for awhile, and then he said he'd been thinking about our relationship, realized what had been going on with himself he was immeasurably sorry, and asked me if we could please try again. He also promised me this fiasco wouldn't happen again, and about six other things that I asked for, including an hour to think about it, which he was reluctant about. When he said, "You can't just tell me yes or no now?" I said "If that's the case, the answer will be no. Now give me an hour." And he did.
I eventually agreed to try again, and we hung out the next day. It was...different. I was colder, as I expected, but when we went back to my apartment (I had some pills I had to give him), we wound up talking about our failure, and he actually admitted to the fact that he runs scared when we get too close. He also admitted that he's a commitmentphobe, but I have assured him that a relationship is NOT what I'm looking for. I have four jobs and a full class load - no time.
If I were reading this question, I would say it seems that the guy needs more time away from me for personal reflection, but if I were to give him time, he'd see me pushing him away and shut down.
He lives by that whole "If she doesn't want me, then I don't want her." thing.
I warned him if we were to try to be friends again, we wouldn't be as close as we were. We couldn't be, because I don't want to put myself through this again. He wasn't too happy about that, but that's okay.
I guess I'm just looking for a general where do I go from here? I love this man, I really do, but I don't want to be with him. I'm too afraid of it after everything that happened, and I just don't have time.
Help me please, in any way you can think of.
Thanks,
-Siren=)
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I do thank you very much for the kind words. I also want to note that I am not going into the psychology field; however, I was headed that direction at one point in my life. I did take some psychology courses and have received a degree in such but I definately am not in that field of work.
I think it's wonderful if you choose to come to me for advice, but please be aware it may take me a few days to respond. I am fairly busy and I get side-track easily--answering a lot of questions about STDs and pregnancy here before I remember I had an inbox question; however, I WILL get to your question in a couple of days if you are patient. I wouldn't be upset if you chose to ask it to the pool or another user either because of that.
As for your question/dilemma:
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when you love someone in a way that is greater than the love of one family member to another, then you tend to want to pursue some sort of long-lasting relationship with the person. You clearly state: "I love this man, I really do, but I don't want to be with him."
I think the problem there is that you are TELLING yourself you don't want to be with him in fear that he truly does not want to be with you. "I'm too afraid of it after everything that happened, and I just don't have time." Love does not take much time, really. Dates can be short, and, the way I see it, if you can have sex with someone then you can surely catch a movie with them every now and again or engage in a light conversation of your hopes, dreams, and desires one evening. The truth simply is that you are afraid of what has happened in the past ;)
I understand where you're coming from though. This man claimed he loved you and then suddenly went away. He trailed you along here and there and still seems to be doing this, even after you tried to put your foot down about it. You care about him deeply, the feelings haven't died down. He tells you he's interested but then says he's afraid of commitment--telling you that he likes you but doesn't see himself being with you long-term when that is what you want deep down inside. Am I right? If I'm not, please correct me, but I would place a nice bet that I've touched a lot of areas you hadn't come to yet.
You both need to sit down and open up, just as you are to me. Read this to him if you have to. Let him know that you are tired of doing this back-and-forth emotional roller-coaster. You both need to make up your minds--relationship or not? That is the real question.
He's pressing for more ("I warned him if we were to try to be friends again, we wouldn't be as close as we were. We couldn't be, because I don't want to put myself through this again. He wasn't too happy about that, but that's okay."), and I honestly believe deep inside you wish more could come of it. I'm not sure if he's looking for sex though, as some guys only want to get their jollies for a little while from who they know will let them (he may not be completely aware of this fact).
To me, the time of the relationship has come and gone. Some people can make a decently sturdy relationship after a hard break-up, but it's very difficult to do--especially when both parties are making excuses as to why it couldn't work out.
A relationship works like this:
Two people want to be together. They do what they can to make this possible. They got through tough time, but stick it out in the end.
Your relationship works like this:
Two people want to be together but keep making excuses as to why it won't work out. They do what they can to be together without labeling themselves as coupled together. Both are in denial of what they truly want so nothing will ever work out.
I understand your love for him prevents you from locking him completely out of your life, but it seems like this is a lot of drama for one past relationship. You have to draw the line somewhere. You either need to completely kill off the feelings you have for him or sit down with him and work this out COMPLETELY until you are both mentally satisfied with the outcome.
It's okay to love the guy and want a relationship but be afraid it won't work out. That's completely fine. You just need to decide what you're going to do about it--pursue him? Just be friends and hold these feelings inside even longer, pretending that everything is fine?
I can't really tell you what you should do. If I were to be in this situation then I would have cut him out of my life by now. Your feelings sound very twisted up--you LOVE the man, you do. I can only see heartache coming from this situation, but I'm not actually THERE and I am not you.
If you can somehow see this relationship blooming into something happy then you should pursue it because it seems like that is what you really want, despite your excuses. If he is what makes you happy then be happy. If you aren't happy then why are you bothering? What do you see coming of this? What is fulfilling about this situation?
Siren, what do you want from your ex-boyfriend?
A relationship is a 50/50 deal. You're going to be there for him emotionally--what is his part in your life regarding this now? What are you seeing that I'm not?
"If I were reading this question, I would say it seems that the guy needs more time away from me for personal reflection..."
I am reading this question. I say you need to take time for your own personal reflection before going further even in communicating with this man.
Please feel free to keep me posted on what's going on. I would be happy to answer what questions you have, and if I can't answer them I will give you some things to think about. I would like to know what happens with you and this man so please let me know what you come to.
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