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How to stop it
In the past, Ive gotten my heart broken more than once and that has caused me to learn to be more defensive and just stubborn. Now im in a relationship with a great guy but I feel like I cant break some of the protective habits. Like I pick at things,sometimes get over emotional for little things and just can be so stubborn. I just noticed that I still do this and I dont think its cool. I really love my boyfriend and dont want it to end because of me...I need advice on how to just relax and let things flow instead of being so high strung.
Thank you so much for taking the time out to read this... (btw, Im 21 yr old female)
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Communication.
Sit him down, and talk to him. Be honest and open and try to explain to him whats going on in your head.
Simply put, explaining how your head is working can help him understand how you feel, and give him some background he can address you from.
You can talk together about things he can say to you to snap you out of it. Thats what my girlfriend and I have done over the years. We both understand how each other work and we each have things to say to snap the other out of a rant or a funk, ways to communicate. Often times, the hardest part is snapping yourself out of a rut in thought long enough to recover to neutral and be ok. If he can do it and you can do it, thats two people helping instead of one.
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I know exactly how you feel. I've been heart broken many of times and even though I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year, I still shut him off in some way. I will pick a fight over the littlest things and I don't even mean too. I'll get mad if he talks to a girl just because I've been cheated on before. I'll get mad if he doesn't call me when he says he will because I've been lied to before. It's normal for people to have their gaurds up when they've been hurt in the past. It does take a lot of time for all the pain to eventually heal.
Don't worry hun, it's absolutely normal. Just give yourself time.
x0*-Bryttnii
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Wow, does that sound familiar. I can't even drop my defenses enough to get to know a guy anymore, let alone date one. Lol.
My best advice is to ask him to help you. If you really feel that you want to open up to him, you need to let him know what's going on in your head. If he already knows and he's trying to help, you might need to ask him to be aware of his reactions, too - if you get overly emotional, he might respond in kind, but what you need him to do is calm you down. Not to say you two can't ever fight, because that's healthy, but it's a good idea to pick your fights...not on your significant other. =) If he really wants the relationship to work, he'll be willing to work with you.
Of course, to know what's going on in your head, you have to be in touch with your heart. For that, you could try freewriting - just type for ten minutes straight (at least) every day and see what comes out, even if it's just "I have nothing to say, I have nothing to say, this is dumb, I have nothing to say," you'll eventually tap into something new if you keep your fingers moving. You also aren't allowed to hit the delete key while you're freewriting.
Being aware of what's going on in your head is half the battle. The next step is going to be to catch yourself when you're about to pick at something and tell yourself "hey self, that's totally dumb and you don't need to think about it."
For me it was always a difficult balance between having him help me and feeling too much like he was reading my mind, but eventually I learned to love the closeness we had, and he turned into my best friend and advocate.
Another idea to help you tap into your heart is drawing, or talking to yourself - anything that gets your thoughts moving.
If you want someone to talk at who's kind of in the same boat (and the same age), feel free to IM me (SirenCytherea (just make sure you IM more than once so I don't think you're spam)). I'm online constantly.
-Siren =)
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