|
Stay with him for our sons sake? or leave him to find love?
I have been with this guy for five yrs now and we have a son who will be three soon.There are many things about him that have just changed in the past four years and I'm only with him now for our son.I know I love him because he is my sons father and for the time we have been together but I'm just not in love with him. he has disappointed me so much.All the promises he made...he didn't accomplish not even one. He doesn't give me enough attention or time and he's just all about himself and not even since he has no car now and a sucky job so he isn't doing anything for himself anyways the list goes on and on....i have tried leaving him plenty of times but he just won't accept it even before I got pregnant and now it doesn't feel right trying to leave the father of my son. it doesn't feel right trying to look at anyone other than him for comfort but what should I do if I'm not happy by his side anymore? should I just keep sucking it up for my sons sake or try to move on and try to find love and happiness?? would that be selfish on my part? this is something that just kills me. I'm so confused and have mixed emotions because I also feel like it would be hard starting another relatinship now that I have a son, many guys don't want anuthing serious with women that already have children. and I want to get married and not have to date around...I'm 23 he is 26.please I would love to get some different opinions and just weigh out my pros and cons to conclude this dilema. thamks to all who respond.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
What you should do, before deciding anything, is talk to your partner.
Communication is the key to making any and all relationships work. It sounds to me that this has been lacking from your current relationship. When two people do not communication clearly then nothing can be solved, plain and simple.
Your situation sounds like many here:
"I found this guy and we have been together for a long while now. Everything was okay for awhile. We went out to movies and dinner, and he seemed pretty interested in me. Well, we ended up having a baby and now it seems like my partner is all about himself. I want to leave because I'm not happy."
What you are REALLY saying is this:
"I met this man and we started dating. We went out regularly and spent a decent amount of time enjoying each other's company. It's been a few years now, we've had a baby, and things seemed to have died down. We don't go out much anymore and he is focused on other things that aren't me. I'm unhappy because I haven't told him this so he's never had the chance to "fix" this. I feel completely neglected. Things have dramatically changed and I'm unhappy now."
The main point of all of this is that your partner no longer seems interested in you. Maybe you don't quite see it that way at the moment, but it's true and in time you'll realize that is the real problem.
You say yourself:
"He doesn't give me enough attention or time and he's just all about himself..."
Sure, there are other factors in your unhappiness, but this was the first one listed. Do you know why it was the first listed? Because it's the first thing that was in your mind. It was the most bothersome thing.
You simply feel unhappy because you haven't told your partner that things have changed and that you feel he's neglecting you. You're not giving your partner the chance to change the situation.
Since you haven't expressed your concerns to your partner, you really have no clue as to what is going on with his side. If you're feeling bored, chances are he is too. Your relationship is a two-sided deal and you need to pull you weight as much as he needs to pull his.
Ask him what you can do to make him more active in your relationship, especially if he has expressed the disinterest in taking you out. Maybe he wishes you'd dress up more or would be more willing to do things he enjoys doing (or see movies he enjoys seeing or...well, you get the point). For all you know, he's been waiting on you to press him to go out together and has thought you've became uninterested in him. Whatever it is, ask him what you can do differently to liven things up!
You have to let him know what you feel is missing and what you wish would be happening. He has to know what he needs to "fix" to be able to change it and meet your needs. If you don't tell him that you feel like he's completely lost interest then he cannot tell you if he has or hasn't and has no idea that he needs to alter his current behavior.
Really express exactly what you've been feeling about the situation though. Let him know if you feel he's uninterested in you. You have to communicate with him for anything to go smoothly--he isn't a mind reader. Spill your guts to the man. Give him tips on things too--tell him what you wish would happen!
After discussing with him about what is going on between you two, make plans to go out one evening. If, for some reason, he puts it off then you need to let him know what it makes you think. For the "date" think of a couple of nice things you two can do together that you haven't done in awhile. It doesn't have to be expensive or fancy--just time out together.
You may also want to suggest to your partner about making a date-night once a week or month--or whenever you can fit that in. Again, it doesn't have to be costly and you could possibly even do this at home with some home-made popcorn, snuggling on the couch, and a rental movie.
You may be able to find a decent neighborhood babysitter for low cost if you only spend a couple of hours out each date night. Remember to screen the babysitter so you are not leaving your child with a person irresponsible.
Remember the things you use to do that he really loved. As time goes on, couples tend to forget about complimenting each other and things become so routine they don't think about it any longer. It's always the little things that really matter. Show him you're still interested in those small ways.
In the future, remember to go to your partner first about problems. He knows your relationship and he is aware of what exactly is going on with him. He may be just as lost and confused as you are if he's feeling what you're feeling and hasn't opened up to you.
When something feels wrong then TELL your partner--no matter how silly it may sound at first, he needs to know.
NO, you definately shouldn't up and leave this man because his focus has changed. You need to take initiative to fix this. Sit down with him and tell him everything--even that you've considered leaving the relationship, but realized that the real problem is that YOU haven't been TALKING to HIM.
I hope things work out well between you and your partner. If you have any more questions then please feel free to ask me :)
]
Update***
You can still maintain some individualism and keep the faith you prefer. I don't recommend that you convert to please him. Your son needs you to be yourself and a strong role model just as much as he needs an intact family. You have sacrificed a lot to make this work...just don't sacrifice your beliefs...you need to have you still.
You are both pretty young, but the youngest and most innocent here is obviously your son. Being a parent means always doing what is best for your child. Unless you are in a dangerous situation it is best to stick it out. Feelings about being in love or out of love are really irrelevant. Feelings do come and go in most every long-term relationship. You can move beyond this and develop a deeper more meaningful connection with your uh...not spouse, right? ...with your baby-daddy? Why aren't you two married? I think you both should make a commitment to your son and provide a secure and whole family structure. Ask your "guy" to make this a priority with you. Prove your love for your son with actions, not just words. You are both young, but can choose to grow up together and take real responsibility for the life you created by getting married and making your family a daily priority.
]
Hi i'm Michelle, I think you should take your son and leave him. If he doesn't treat you like you want to be treated there's no reason you should stay with him. And if he all about himself you've got to let him know that you don't agree with that. Maybe he'll change if you let him know what he needs to change. I'm sorry your son has to go threw this,
Michelle
]
My mom did that too. She stayed with my dad for 11 years for my brother and I. Frankly, I hate it when parent use that as an excuse, cause it makes you feel like, "Geeez, thanks. So it's all MY fault you were miserable all those years." I'm glad my parents divorced. My mom's happier, and my dad's a jerk. When we lived together we were ALL unhappy. If you really wanted to leave, you would have done so by now, cause no being can force you to do ANYTHING. Yet as a mother, you probably feel inclined to make your son happy first, which is good, except, he's only 2 years old. He knows nothing about nothing at this point, and what's best for you, is best for him. We all understand why you do what you do at some point. We wanna see our mothers happy too. But that's just from a daughter's perspective <3.
]
More Questions: |