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I See This As Becoming More Than Friends
So, I met this guy J last month. He liked me, but I didn't like him like that.
Keep in mind, that although he's only 18, he's been forced to grow up alot. Well, he started dating this girl a few weeks ago. She's 25, and has a 2 year old child, and they're engaged. I'm 17, by the way, if that helps.
Well, he's been calling me every single day for three days in a row. He's going through alot right now, and his family has just pretty much disowned him for reasons that he doesn't even know. He needs his fiancee to keep a roof over his head, or else he's out on the street.
I feel like I can tell him anything, and me and him can talk for hours on end.
To top things off, my parents have already judged him, and they don't like him because of the situation that's going on right now.
I can see the downside to what's going to happen, and I can't do anything to stop it. Someone's going to get hurt.
There's another guy in my life. But, I'm not having much luck with him at all. I'm so afraid to call him, because last time I called him he got so high, and didn't even remember me.
Please, don't tell me to push J away. What do I do? I'm so confused.
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Christ.
Ok. So heres my perspective. If I were "J"s best friend, I would do everything humanly possible to break up his engagement.
A 25 year old girl with a 2 year old dating an 18 year old... She's feeding his ego because she wants a second provider and a father figure. More than that, she picked an 18 year old. A guy with enough ego that she can feed his inflated "I want to feel mature" mentality and control him utterly. Whether she's nice and doing this somewhat unconsciously because she found a good guy and wants to keep him, or shes basically a controlling gold digging... you get the idea, I dont know.
However, you are not his best friend. You don't even know him that well. I can't advise you to jump into the absolute shit storm of drama that that could be. Thats your own judgement call. You have feelings for him, which makes it harder. If you WERE just a friend, I'd tell you do all you can.
But theres no way you can interfere and salvage a relationship. You aren't a 25 year old cooing soothing "youre so grown up" bullshit into his ear and giving him the respect (or illusion of it) that he feels he doesnt get anywhere else. And you won't be able to subsitute that in yourself.
There is a warning you need to give him though.
Marriage is a very, very dangerous proposition in this day and age for a guy. Because the courts favor a woman, most especially if there is a child involved somehow.
Moreover, the girl is definitely going to be more loyal to the child than to him. Thats pure human instinct, our children come first 95% of the time purely because we're all built that way.
What this means, is that if the relationship/marriage go south, she WILL fuck him over as hard and as thoroughly as she possibly can in order to get everything she can out of him for the child and herself.
And I can guarantee that it will go south. He's a stupid 18 year old, probably with low self esteem, about to marry a 25 year old with a 2 year old kid.
I see one of two things happening.
1) He isnt successful, and the relationship goes south because he doesnt become the provider she wants him to be, and eventually she divorces him, takes what little they have, and leaves him with nothing.
2) He is succesful. He gains confidence in himself and becomes harder and harder for her to control because his ego is fed by his own actions rather than her words. The relationship goes south, and she rips him a new asshole in divorce court and leaves him with nothing.
I'd almost suggest you make him read my response. He needs to hear it from more than just you. Dude, if you're reading this, think about what you're doing. You're 18 and life is fucked. I've been there before myself. Ive been kicked out of my house, Ive been cut off, I've been screwed over by both friends and family in ways you don't even want to imagine.
Marrying this girl is only going to make it worse. You are screwing yourself over and putting yourself in a very vulnerable position over a girl you havent known probably more than a year. You don't need to become husband and step father at 18, I don't care how much she likes you or how much she tells you you're amazing. There will be other, less damaged women in your time.
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Boy, this is tough. Ummm. I think that the best thing which you can do for him right now is just to be there as a friend to him. I wouldn't concentrate on your boyfriend at the moment as your friend needs more help that your relationship does.
Try and find out as to why his parents disowned him for the 'reasons he doesn't even know'. It's not poking your nose into other people's business, your just concerned for J. And see whether it is a valid reason to disown him, and if it isn't then they shoudl re-consider as to letting him back. Because not only does he need th support of his friends, but the support of his family. Do the best you can. But if you don't feel able to then ask your parents to do it. I know that they don't think much of him, but if they could do it just for you then that would help.
I would also say that his girlfriend needs to help him out of this situation. BUT of if she can support him and the child for the tie being.
As for J, he needs to go and get a job. You say that he's been forced to grow up a lot? Well, this is the next stage of that, he needs to get a good, stable job which will help him keep a roof over his head, put food on the table etc.
As for you, you can do something to change the downsides and that is by trying to do what is written above. You're a caring person and you'll know what to do when something happENS.
Good luck,
triquetra
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Right now you need to help J. You know how to talk to J and that is why he calls you. Talk to him about the situation and give him some advice. He has to like his fiance for who she is, not that she gives him a place to live. He shouldn't marry her just for the house, he has to find out if he really loves her. Incourage J to talk with his family seriously. His family could realize that he needs them and they could find a way to work through this. For the other guy in your life, talk to him like you talk to J. He may realize how much you mean to him and stop whatever is making you upset with him. With your parents, explain to them that J needs you and that they need to except the fact that you can help him get through the situation he is in. Whatever you do, don't leave either of the men in your life, they both need you. Good Luck and I look forward to hearing about the turnout.
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