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I'm so lost right now...
Just a warning, this is gonna be long. There's a lot of background that I'm trying to make more concise. I'm 20/f, he's 23/m.
So...I've been in a really effed up relationship for the past three years. The worst part is that we really loved each other. He broke up with me because he was having depression problems, and that kind of emotional drowning that we were both feeling for each other was too much for him to handle. We took the titles off, but we stayed together. We tried a couple of times to actually break up but it never worked. Then we kind of regressed to a "friends with benefits" type thing because we both knew there were feelings there, but neither of us could handle having a title on our relationship at that point. He wound up living with me for a short while, and I gave him a copy of my key because I felt weird about him being at my place, then maybe leaving and leaving my place unlocked. I never asked for it back after he was able to go back home because I thought of him as my best friend. He knows me like the back of his hand, and I know him just as well. I felt totally comfortable around him, and trusted him completely. I was in a horrible car accident a couple years ago and he was the only person who was able to drive me around and not cause a panic attack.
Now...when we lived together, we didn't fight at all. We had fun, we laughed, we cuddled at night, and talked all the time. It felt like the way our real relationship should've been.
But his brother goes through periods of loving me and hating me. My guy has to deal with his brother talking shit about me all the time when he hates me, and sometimes it gets to him. Don't get me wrong, I know he's a wimp for caving, but I also get where he's coming from.
The more we're apart, the more "we" diminish. The less we see each other, the less we see each other, and the less we see each other, the more we fight. It hurts, but I've finally gotten to the point where I feel kind of...numb about the whole thing, like I don't have it in me to care anymore. At the moment, I'm avoiding him and avoiding talking to him because I feel like I can't say anything without some of this coming out, and I'm not ready for it to, I don't think.
I felt from the moment I met him that he was my soulmate, and I still feel that way, but I'm scared because I feel like I'm pushing him away and I don't know what to do about it.
I keep thinking I want to ask for my key back - and I have, but every time I've asked, he's turned the conversation away, or managed to make me forget about it in some way. I asked him point blank last time I saw him, "Are you still planning to hang onto my key?" and he said "Why not?" I didn't know what to say.
"Because we're not really friends anymore"? "Because I don't feel like I trust you"?
Both of those things are unfounded, I have no reason not to trust him - he hasn't even tried to look for another girl since we "broke up" the first time in 2006. He never cheated on me, he never lied to me. He can't lie to me, I always know. I'm the same way. I can't even convince him I'm happy when I'm not, and that's part of what I get paid to do, be happy and make people smile.
Anyone have any thoughts? I'm not really looking for specific advice, I just kinda need some new ideas, or something. I'm stuck...or maybe I just don't know what I need to do now?
Help =(
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
All I can do is share my own experience...
Once upon a time... I met this guy. And I was totally 'gaga' for him from day 1. After six months we finally got together. Two weeks later he told me that he felt like we were 'moving too fast' and needed a break. Another month and we were back together, and this time it was serious. Nine months later... He broke up with me again, because he 'needed to straighten out his life.' But he was still in love with me. (So he said.) We could still date, we could still have sex... But the title of 'boyfriend' was just too heavy a burden to bare at that time of his life. After that one... I lost count.
We would get back together... And then break up again about four more times after that. Our relationship lasted a total of 2-3 years. One time he broke up with me AGAIN. One time it was mutual. And the last two times I broke up with him because I was beginning to have serious doubts about our relationship and I was beginning to feel... Numb, as you so aptly put it. I cared... But I didn't have the energy to pursue a relationship with him anymore.
He never cheated on me either. Never really looked for another girl to replace me. There were times when he said he wanted to marry me and I believe he meant it.
But in the end... I came to this conclusion. When you're in a healthy relationship, a title isn't a burden. When you're in a healthy relationship, your partner doesn't make you feel like !@#$. When you're in a healthy relationship... You don't just break up with someone because life is hard. He and I didn't have a healthy relationship.
And... I felt like he was always waiting for someone better to come along. My suspicions were confirmed the last time I saw him.
After the last time we broke up... After not talking for two years... On a whim I sent him a text message. We texted back and forth for several days until we thought we could handle talking on the phone together. And then we decided we should meet up, just to catch up with each other. This casual meeting lead to a few dates... A conversation about how maybe we should try one more time... Then he stood me up one night and I was DONE. After that I would log onto myspace and read a blog about he had met the woman of his dreams.
But guess what... The woman of his dreams ended up dumping him. And when he was lonely he sent me a text message trying to re-establish contact. But it was too late. Instead of wasting my time pining away for him I had found a wonderful man that wanted to proudly carry the title of 'boyfriend/fiance/husband.' I realized then that I had always been just a person to fill the void for him.
So... If my situation sounds anything like yours... Do yourself a BIG favor and cut him loose once and for all. No calling, no texting, no emailing. No IM's. Nothing. A clean break, because that's the only way you're ever going to move on. Move on and find a guy that wants the benefits as well as the title.
And... Either way... Whatever you decide... Don't bother asking him for the key. Just change the lock.
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Sounds like a good idea. Best of luck ;)
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Before I start, I don't know you and this guy so I don't know for sure what exactly has happened. I can only tell you my point of view on this matter.
To me it sounds like something major happened and you, him, or both of you two decided that you two could not live being partners with each other for the rest of your lives. I say this because you say you had a great relationship after you stripped yourselves of those titles. That is not normal and it tells me that something was very, very wrong.
It also seems that the boy does not want to be with you. It sounds like he is trailing you behind him for a rainy day--as a back-up plan really. Some men and women decide that by age __ (25, 30, 40, whatever) that if they aren't married that they will settle for whoever they have around. By keeping you around, he can "settle" for you when he feels like he should have been married by then. By keeping your key he is keeping the door open to have you when he decides to settle. It's sad but many people end up doing this.
It is not normal for a couple in love to break up because one is depressed. Usually they hang onto each other, looking to the their partner for help--not seeing their partner as hurtful or troublesome. The living situations sounds like a mess--let me ask you this:
If he loved you so deeply and truly wanted things to work out then why doesn't he live with you now? Why hasn't he made every effort to make the relationship better and you happy?
When people break up but still see each other (sex, cuddling, etc.) it means that they like those parts of each other but could not deal with a true relationship with the person. In short, this means that they are keeping their options open for better things to come along.
This, to me, sounds very odd, almost like you're still considering him your partner when he, most certainly, is not:
"Both of those things are unfounded, I have no reason not to trust him - he hasn't even tried to look for another girl since we "broke up" the first time in 2006. He never cheated on me, he never lied to me."
You see, the relationship DID end. It is gone and it isn't going to magically be repaired or it would have by now. He may have not found a girl to his liking--not that he still wants to be with you simply because if he did then he would be with you.
This statement of yours shows a lot of issues you're having but the guy isn't:
"The more we're apart, the more "we" diminish. The less we see each other, the less we see each other, and the less we see each other, the more we fight. It hurts, but I've finally gotten to the point where I feel kind of...numb about the whole thing, like I don't have it in me to care anymore. At the moment, I'm avoiding him and avoiding talking to him because I feel like I can't say anything without some of this coming out, and I'm not ready for it to, I don't think."
You see, the relationship is GONE and you're going to have to realize that. The guy has already dealt with it and is fine with how his life is going or he would be trying like Hell to make things better. What you're feeling is the normal break-up feeling that you should have experienced months or years ago when the first break-up happened and you two stopped referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. You do not need to say anything to the guy about what is going on because it has already gone on with him--he does not feel the same way you do and probably never actually did.
The relationship has diminished down to nothing. There has not be a "we" in a very long time. Go through the grieving process of the break-up and move onto someone who has strong, loving feelings for you.
I asked my boyfriend what he thought about this and he pointed out one very interesting thing. He said that if someone would have approached him and said, "Are you still planning to hang onto my key?" he would take it as meaning, "Do you still like me?" That makes a lot of sense to me and so that could be why the boy answered with a very generic response.
In short, I think the guy really just can't see himself years down the road with you. Sure, you two had a decent "relationship" after you two stopped calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend, but that is not normal or acceptable. Sure, you're a fine person, and he figures that if he gets to be a certain age and hasn't move onto the married life then he will just settle for you.
The guy is just not that into you.
If he really wanted to be with you, and if he really loved you like you thought, then he would BE WITH YOU right now.
It really is that simple.
Please let him go and move on to bigger and better things.
Let this entire thing die and move on. You'll be better in a little bit of time. The more you hang onto what you felt you two had, the longer you're going to be suffering.
I hope things turn out well and you find happiness in a short while. If you have any questions please feel free to send me an inbox :)
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Well, by avoiding him, you are DEFINATELY pushing him away. If he keeps your key, that means he has a reason to want it. Good or bad, you will have to figure out. My advice would be to go after the brother, try to become his friend, dont hound him on the fact that he hates you. A family member can make or break a relationship, many people have to learn that the hard way. if his brother is whispering things in your guy's ear, he's more likely to subconsciencely listen to him because they go way back. Become the brother's best friend, and then those whisperings will be to your benefit.
also, becoming 'numb' to the thought, is not always the best thing, not only will it make you seem hostile towards your love (among others) but the pain you aren't allowing to come to focus will blow up in your face later on down the road. your mind is like a chimney, it HAS to vent. (or you are going to have a serious fire on your hands)
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