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i'm sarting to lose everything just before i start my new exams please help
WARNING! - this is really really long, but please help!!!!
i'm a 14 yr old girl.i go to a private competitive school but am one of the lowest in my year. i used to be good at maths and bad at english but since my 3 yrs at this school it has changed it to the oppisite way round. i haven't spoken to my dad for a year and he recently left our house and is living someewhere near his office, but i don't know where. my mom is in big financial trouble and she might not be able to continue paying my schol fees. i come from a sri lankan family. my aunts aren't that uptight but they wouldn't approve of my parents and my situation. my parents have always had a bad marrige but it was me who made him to leave. when i was in the middle of grade 5 i move to the city and for 3 and 1/2 yrs i moved between my mom and my dad. that was when everything was fine. then we bought his house in the city and my dad moved u here. he stopped talking to me. we had a few fights but nothing major, he just stoppped for no reason. i hated him and still do. i'd like things to be the way they were but knowing what i know now, i know things would never be the same. now my mom and i have huge fights all the time. my mom is nice and she mostly means well but she is also blaming me and taking it out on me. she is overstressed and has no problem saying mean things to me. she criticises me contantly which i cant bear, and she also still loves my dad even though he is horrible to her and that was one of the reasons why i hated him. she wants me to be nivce to my dad but i hate him. i know she need his mney to support us but i hate him so much. also, although it sounds wierd, i think my mom doesn't understand anything and i am a tiny bit smarter than her in a way because she cant see my dad is just being cruel and obviously dislikes her but she still follows him around and insists he is good man, but wat kind of father doesn't live with s for over 3 yrs doesn't talk to me for a year and leaves us? he's quiet and unlike my mom is very precise and likes things to be neat and perfect. i once tried to say sorry to him in january but i couldn't bear it. i am quite stubborn and my pride often gets in the way but i honestly belive that i have bad parents and it doesn't help. my mom doesn't get that i am a teenager and that i need space. when i get home she criticises me and sy i need to make up with my dad and his parents are sad and that my school work is crap + i need to do harder. and she keeps piling on guilt and i have enough to worry about. what she doesn't get is that i am going to graduate and leave as fast as possible. i don't want anything to do with ANY of my family. i don't care if i'm on the streets. so why does she have to control my life? why cant she leave me alone? i'm really sensible, i don't drink, do drugs, smoke or have sex yet she won't leave me alone. i have no chance to be myself and get results. she keeps sayings she wants me to get good results when she obviously says she doesn't care about me, so why does it matter? if she would just let me go to school and work by myself. and if i et good or bad results it doesn't matter to her does it? plus she keeps comparing me to my PERFECT cousins and contanly making me feel inadequate. she actually doesn't know anything about me. not even my favourite colour. she asks me why i'm not normal but how can be if i don't have a normal family i knoe there are people who have got it worse than me but still..... i should also mention that during grade 7 and 8 and still now continually, i have been suffering from derpression and minor panic attaks. i havve also been very suicidal and i do still wish i was dead. i'm sorry about how long this is, but either tell me how to survive till i finish high school or give me a sure fire method of suicide so i can finsh it quickly.... thanks
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Im sorry to say this but school is not hard. Ive had a couple moments like you have last school year. But school is just about to start this year.Here is what I would recommend. First, get to know all of your teachers well. Get organized. When you have a test coming up, study for 20-30 minutes each night. If you do these things youll ace school because all it is is listening to your teachers and reading a little.
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I know how hard it is to have your parents separate, the dad ignores you, and they make you feel like crap. The thing with adults they have trouble admitting their own faults. She is not critizing you so much but herself, she is just taking it out on you because she has no other way of doing it. Raising children alone with little help or none at all is a huge burden especially when you don't know how to pay one bill after the next.
I also understand that being a teenager means you need space to find yourself and what you want to do with the rest of your life. Time to fit in with a crowd or join a group. Let me ask you something, if she left you completely alone, never asked questions and completely ignored your presence, would respect her more that she completely didn't care or that she cares enough to pry in every part of your business. My dad and mom divorced when I was four. He treated my mother like garbage but she continued to like him because he was our father. I spent most of my life despising him but then my dad went into the hospital about a year ago. His sugar was over a thousand and he would have died if he had eaten one more meal.
I suddenly realized that I regretted all those things I did because I just proved to him I was just like him. Stubborn and had nothing to say but I hate you. I learned that it makes us feel better as a person when we face what we hate the most and conquer it. It makes us better people especially those who criticize us. It makes you feel better when you prove that you are the better person. Separation is never the child's fault, remember that, and say it to yourself once a day. As for getting through the many challenges until you graduate. Get a lock for your door, don't keep a diary or evidence of your life that your mother can read. You may not have to wait until you are 18 to move out but think about emancipation. This is a tool that is used to make yourself legally an adult before you are 18.
Don't pay any attention to the garbage that your mother tries to say about you. I know it is frustrating to hear her compare you to the others but strive to make yourself better than that. Give her a reason not to compare you to those other family members. If you are having trouble with school, I would be happy to help. I am very good at math and I am a professional writer. I have written three books, two of which you can find right online at lulu.com. Another will be in the stores by the end of next month. Go to the library and brush up on your reading. Reading alot dramatically increases your ability in writing. My email is foxychick6798@aol.com is you what to send an email, aim is foxychick6798 for aol, or send me a myspace message at www.myspace.com/darkesthourforme.
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