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I need a man's thoughts on this one..
19/f
I'm trying to understand how my boyfriend is thinking, and even though you guys aren't him, let's just say this was you. There are a couple of things he's done in the past years and I want to know what his motives were. I've tried asking him, but like most guys, he's not the type to express how he truly feels in words to me, which makes it so much harder to understand him.
1. My boyfriend's ex tried calling him again when he and I first starting going out. They had been broken up for almost a year and I know he had been really hurt by her, but he'd always hate on her when the topic came up. Thing is, he never told me that she had tried to contact him. When I questioned him, he said he thought it wasn't a big deal, but I knew for him, it was. He wanted her back for so long, let it go when he met me, but why wouldn't he tell me?
2. His friend told him how his ex was turning into a wild party girl, did some crazy stuff at parties and did all these drugs. He got upset and said how he wanted to tell her mom. Then he wrote her an email behind my back all concerned, but she retaliated back with a "you don't even know me" attitude. I found these emails in an account he knew I didn't know about (but I found it lol). And then he didn't tell me until like a year later that she apologized to him about that email.
My question is, why does he even care? he always claimed how he hates her, so why does he give a crap? He said that it's sad to see someone become that kind of person, but what the hell? He acts like he wants to go in there and save her life.
3. I had cheated on my bf before. he found out, things got bad, but we got back together. Little did I know, he was talking to another girl behind my back. This was his way of getting back at me, but he claims that he never liked her. This girl was always chasing him, then after he found out what I did, he let her in. He never told me about this until about ONE YEAR AFTER they stopped talking. WHYYYYYY WHYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY. I know what I did was very wrong, but if I never found out about her, then he never would have told me. so how is that getting back if I never would have known?
4. He likes to throw in my face how other girls are always trying to talk to him. I think that's how he retaliates after I say mean things to him. Why the hell would he say stuff like that? He knows that a lot of guys like me and doesn't even let me talk to guys.
What I really want to know is, why does he wait so long to tell me things? I know there are lots of things that guys don't tell their girlfriends and they probably never will. Same with girls too.
I've been told from a guy friend of mine that when a guy breaks up with a girl, even if he hates her, he will always care about her. Is that really true?
And why can't he just say how he really feels?
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He didn't tell you for a long time was becasue he thought that it didn't matter anymore. What's happened has happened and you can't do anything about it. Sooner or later, you've got to tell your partner as to what happened at points in the realtionship. You both had affairs, now they're over, you're back together, what happened in the past doesn't really affect the fact tat you're together again.
He didn't involve you at the time when he was dealing with he ex becasue he had your best interests in heart and he didn't want your involvment. It was something which he had to do by himself.
It is true that we do care about our ex's because we just want to have the best for them and we hate to see them when their lives are off track. We have this...instinct to help our ex's through times of difficulty.
He cares about you a lot and considering the fact that he knew not to involve you with his ex was a good thing because really, it didn't concern you so you shouldn't burden yourself with the porbelms with those two. As for telling you that he hated her was a way to cover up the fact that he trying to help her when she came to him for help. He loves you dearly and that shows when he tries to keep you away from other boys, so that you can still be together.
I hope this helped,
triquetra
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I don't care how bad a break up is, you never stop loving someone you once loved. If you don't love someone you were with, then the love was never there to begin with, it was lust, sorrow, pity, or any number of things, combined or not.
People are taught that hate is the opposite of love, you've been taught wrong. The most intense hate you will ever have is when you hate someone you love. Hate is not the opposite of love, or like, the opposite of love is to not love. The opposite of hate is to not hate. Think about it, if love is the opposite of hate, then any one you don't love, you would hate, even strangers.
I don't know why things have to be so simple with human beings, it has to be one way or the other. You really think that something as complicated as we are, has simple cut and dry answers?
The reason he does not tell you anything like this, is he doesn't understand it. How can he explain that he loves her and hates her, to someone else that he loves and likes? How can he tell you he loves someone still, when he loves you? Love only has one degree, like has many degrees. Though he still loves her, he doesn't like her the way he likes you. Like is what keeps us bound to each other, not love.
Trust is hard, so far neither of you have shone you can trust each other. If you want to know a man or woman, they have to know they can trust you with their darkest secrets. You need to know that if you ever did break up, they're not going to see their life's secrets exposed on every bulletin board in town.
Your relationship is so destructive that I don't know why you are even asking #4 and I hate to say it, but you both may well be wasting your time here, you've blown it so badly, you may not be adult enough to ever fix this.
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i dont have answers for everything but i will tell you this much:
1. you say she TRIED to contact him, but did he ever actually talk to her? either way, he probably really didn't think it was a big deal. guys dont read into things as much as we do. if he's going out with you, and loves you, he wont care about her, even if he did want her back for so long until he met you. you say that he always hated on her even though he was really hurt by her... if so, THAT'S most like why he hates on her, bc she hurt him. also, he probably didnt mention it because he didnt want to hurt you or make you feel threatened or jealous.
2. he cares because he once loved her. your guy friend is completely right. she was once a part of him, and im sure he doesnt want to see her self-destruct, regardless of whether or not they're still together. i can relate to that, i was with my ex for a year and a half, and he REALLY hurt me too and a part of me HATES him for that, but at the same time he's still one of the people i care about most because he meant so much to me and we were so close.
3. not sure
and 4. that probably is a retaliation. its a way of making you think about what you're saying, bc at any moment he could be gone and have "one of the other girls that tries to talk to him". he sees the guys that like you and talk to you as a threat; therefore, he wants you to see the girls as a threat. however, im sure that part is just out of anger.
have you tried talking to him without getting angry? he could answer these questions better than we can. if he doesnt open, it could be alot of things, or it could just be that like doesnt like to open up. im that way and people tend to think im hiding things.
good luck girl!
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